I broke a Sandi2 rule tonight, actually the last few nights.
Don't talk with friends and family about your sitch. You never know what may get back to your spouse that might upset them.
I'm not going to post my sitch because it is hindsight now, feel free to look it up if you would like.
Quick recap tho - I suffer from the hardship of a WAW that I love very much. I'm a semi-recovering Alcoholic and a very low self esteem individual. I've screwed up, like a lot of LBH's, but in a very short span of time...thanks to Robx, Gucci, TimeHeals, Sandi2, and several others...I've come to know the difference between the right way and wrong way to approach this situation. Still learning btw.
I have a long time "girl" friend, that has been like a sister to me, but has also been a close friend to my WAW. She tries hard to be both our friends, but she has been very supportive of my sitch such as someone I can open up to. Fact is I needed someone...her and her Husband both care about me and want me to be happy. They are good friends and always will be.
Well tonight I found out that my friend and my wife went to dinner last night. Long story short it was very enlightening. My wife is not happy about me and her talking, she has made several comments to support this fact. Do I care? Not really..her problem not mine. After all, I've been left behind and she has all the support of literally everyone else I know. As for me, I've been forced to let go of all "my" buddies because it's always a party atmosphere and really is not a part of my lifestyle anymore.
Anyway, as you some of you know, I've been pretty forward on supporting Robx's story here on the forums. The reason is he suffered at one point from low self esteem and he has demonstrated how it really effected his marriage. Well because of him, I realize my shortcomings in this area as well. The conversation that took place with my Wife and friend really seems enlightening to this fragile state of mind and really supports the path that Rob and Sandi2 have made known to so many of us.
Basically, from the conversation that was relayed was that my "Wife had been planning this for a lil over a year" and that "she understands that I just need time to get my thoughts together and be able to move on". Along with, "I care about him and I know how much I mean to him", "I just want him to reach out and make a connection with someone to help him".
WOAH! The last few days (since Friday Night - see my Ooops post)I've gone absolutely dark and SHE is the one blowing up my phone and emails. For the first time in 2 months, TODAY, I received joke emails and 2 or 3 texts from her. Not responding to any of them except for 1 for our dogs(my children :P)
Now when I say I'm going dark...I mean I'm detaching...I don't like any of this anymore. I'm not happy with worrying anymore, I've done every type of no-no behavior I can think of in the last month that is absolutely against every rule written about DB'ing. I'm GAL'n and I've actually really done a good job on detaching...not done, but done a good job. My point of this post is....
Do you see the message that was sent to me as a Husband? as a Man? My Wife is viewing me as fragile and insecure...it's so upsetting that I've become such a weak man, that my Wife views me as a "*ussy". I'm not the one blowing up her phone anymore and but yet she blows mine up.
Moral of the story: Set them free...Become a Man... Build your self esteem and respect...and follow Robx , Gucci, and Sandi2...it's amazing how I became the "&itch" (no offense ladies)in my relationship. I never use to be this way either, but when I read how other men fell apart to low self esteem and see how others are falling as well. It's truly amazing how just subtle changes in self esteem can change your wife's view of you. This going "dark" thing has yet to really effect her, but just the slight change in my attitude without her even knowing has already begun to change the dynamic. I'm not going to walk out of this with NO SELF RESPECT. Please offer any and all insight...but as for me after this, my motivation to become a man again has really became clear. The post's I bumped are absolute MUST READ. I truly wouldn't be to the state of mind I am with out them.
Yeah, my wife viewed/views me the same way. She mentioned the other night that when we would be out in a large group, she felt like she had to make sure I was enjoying myself, as if I was a small child at a sleepover!
Sometimes being the nice, quiet, unassuming guy is deadly to a relationship.
Tbh, it makes me angry at myself that I allowed myself to become a "Victim".
Also makes me upset that W tells friend and others about everything she did wrong, but not me.
Due to my Alcohol issues, I basically had to fully confess everything so that I could move on. Didn't want to but I did it and I no longer have anything to hide. No denials left. I had to do this for me without expectations of my W giving me an "Atta Boy".
When I did this I did not expect anything from her and never really thought about it til now. Just find it disturbing that she can communicate to everyone except me.
I'm trying to refuse to keep over thinking this and will just keep following the DB techniques for ME. There is definitely a momentum shift right now. It's gonna get better day by day and accelerate becoming a man again.
Anyone care to give me a 2x4? Or maybe an adjustment to my thought process?
I'm seriously overwhelmed with all the changes I need to do and I find myself dreading hearing from her. It's like I feel "just leave me alone" right now. Is this good? Normal?
I mean I love her, but right now I need to love myself again.
Pick one change at a time. Start with an easy one, so you build up your confidence. For me it was losing weight (haha, easy one on the Devastation Diet), and getting into better shape. I also took care of a whole bunch of medical stuff that I had delayed.
"just leave me alone" is good. You need time to become centered with YOU. Just be positive around her.
Made up my mind that I'm not going to talk to anyone that knows her and I anymore. Told our mutual friend that it's not right and don't want to know when W and her hang out or any details of anything. I'll just come here and vent if needed.
Went to church tonight and when I got home W was in the house. LOL She was drunk. She made a comment about trying to be gone by the time I got home. Yeah Right. She's been curious as to why I'm not talking to her. LOL
She flat out asked if I talked with our friend after the dinner they had and I said yes. Told her that I'm glad she had a good time and that I'm not involving her in this any longer, so told her to quit worrying about what I'm up to or talking about what she thinks I need to do. Remind you she's pretty lit and repeating herself constantly and not making much sense. But I have to say we had a good laugh on a few things.
Outta nowhere she decides to tell me she's having bad nightmares and having to sleep with the light on. Kinda creeped me out and drew the "fixer" in me out. Told her she should go get therapy LOL and told her that it's her conscience bothering her. She was drunk so I knew I could get away with it.
Then all of a sudden she pulled out her phone to text someone and told her if she's gonna text in front of me she better take off. She was not happy and did not say goodbye. Really hate to see her drive intoxicated, but it's not my problem anymore.
It's really funny how all the things she hated that I did...and she's doing it now. I really think she's kinda lost it a little bit and I'm kinda happy that she's not around to effect me.
This going dark has seriously shifted the momentum. Now I just need to keep pushing forward.
Made up my mind that I'm not going to talk to anyone that knows her and I anymore. Told our mutual friend that it's not right and don't want to know when W and her hang out or any details of anything. I'll just come here and vent if needed.
I made the mistake of reaching out to too many friends and family. I know that sounds odd, but my W is now hyper aware of who knows what's going on. We took our Ds to the children's zoo, and I saw a friend we had both known for 13 years. I was speaking to her while W was watching the girls, and she didn't notice our friend. Then when she did, the first thing she asked me was "What did you say to her?" I replied "I said Hi..."
It's hard when you rely on your network of friends for support. My W doesn't, she's keeping most of this to herself and bottled up. Her choice.
Made up my mind that I'm not going to talk to anyone that knows her and I anymore. Told our mutual friend that it's not right and don't want to know when W and her hang out or any details of anything. I'll just come here and vent if needed.
I made the mistake of reaching out to too many friends and family. I know that sounds odd, but my W is now hyper aware of who knows what's going on. We took our Ds to the children's zoo, and I saw a friend we had both known for 13 years. I was speaking to her while W was watching the girls, and she didn't notice our friend. Then when she did, the first thing she asked me was "What did you say to her?" I replied "I said Hi..."
It's hard when you rely on your network of friends for support. My W doesn't, she's keeping most of this to herself and bottled up. Her choice.
What I found funny, was other than our opening pleasantries, it was the first question out of her mouth. If she hadn't been drinking, I don't think she would have said or asked anything. Not going to mind read on this one, but I'm pretty sure I made the right move by taking our friend out of the equation.
I'm not trying to be mean at all, but I have to make it that if she wants to talk to me or hear about me, she's going to have to do it. No grapevine or word of mouth medium. I think this protects me as well, less I hear/see the easier it is to focus on me and also helps me to curb over analyzing/mind reading crap.(which btw is THE hardest thing for me to control)
