It's your H that has to initiate reconnection. He disconnected because he thought that's what he needed to do to find himself, or for his happiness, or for ... MLCers are selfish. Until your H starts to 'wake up' he will not fully reconnect. You may see some peeks out of the tunnel but those will be touch and goes.
Keep your expectations at zero to avoid false hopes because so many times after these encounters the MLCer will dash back into the tunnel for a while. That's because those feelings are overwhelming for them and the tunnel is a safe place in which to process them.
Compassionate distance I believe is another way to say detach. Detachment is something you do for you. You still love and care about your S but you step back from what they're doing to protect yourself from being hurt over and over.
I liken detachment to being a shield. I can see through it, but it's a barrier that allows the things H does to bounce off before they get to me. It's taking me a while to build it but I keep working on it. It also allows me to work on myself because instead of worrying what H is going to do next that will hurt, I can put the focus where it belongs, on me and the kids.
As I've learned that I will really be OK no matter what, the shield gets bigger and stronger.
I realize the shield will have to be dismantled if/when H returns. That will be the hardest part in learning to trust again. Anything that we do will have consequences whether it's good or bad.
Dismantling the shield I'm sure will happen the same way it was built, a bit at a time. No illusions though, that will definitely be the hardest part in all of this whether it's with H or someone new.
