Long Distance Issues.....Possible WAW

[Dazed&Confused]

Well, not a lot to report from my end. I have the parenting plan software and I have been trying to work my through it. It just sucks because it is a constant reminder that what I am going through is permanent.

I finally told a friend of mine back home about what was going on. He has gone through this with his wife, and it felt good to talk to someone who has been through this. I remember all of the things he went through, and I now seeing my self going through them. It's painful because I never really understood what he was going through. I talked to him often, saying all of the "right" things to him, but never understood.

I do now. I see myself trying to just find that magical answer as to why and how this is all happening. I remember telling him about how unimportant that was, that he had to worry about himself. I remember telling him that if he truly wanted to save his marriage, to tell his wife just to step back. Take the logical steps; counselling, sepeartaion, then divorce.

It seemed so easy, and just made sense. I remember thinking that anyone with any amount of common sense could see it. And most of all, I remember feeling grateful that I had a relationship the felt strong. That I had a wife that I knew would try anything and everything to make our marriage work before just throwing in the towel.

It's amazing the difference a year can make isn't it? I am now the one fighting just to make any amount of sense to this. The funny thing is, all of my close friends have gone through this, and only one of their sitch's made sense to me. (him and his wife were very verbally abusive to one another) Well, I don't have very many "good" friends back home, but the ones I do have, are good ones, and they have been through what I am going through.

It was a big step to me just to let one of them know. I can say that I am a proud person, and going through this is shameful to me. It honestly feels like the biggest failure of my life. But maybe me being able to tell someone, outside of immediate family, is a sign that I am ready to deal with this? Who knows right? It just mainly hurts when I first see my kids on Skype. That is when the most shame and guilt hit me. The good thing is that it only takes a couple of minutes of talking to my son before I forget.

My next goal is to stop killing myself searching for the mythical answer. I know it is doing more harm than good, it's just that I thought my W and I have been through so much that she wouldn't leave me like this. Truth be told, maybe she doesn't even have it herself. Again, who knows?

I'm trying to stay strong, I can say that I haven't broke down crying lately. I am sensitive though, and I can feel the tears right on that line sometimes. But the funny thing is, they don't get there from my sitch. They are ususally from reading someone else's or some sappy news story. Maybe I'm just more in tune with my femenine side now or something!

I just hope and pray that everything the W has promised comes to fruition. That I don't get raped on CS and that I can keep my house to raise my kids in. If that happens, then I will be as happy as a divorced man could be.