And so it goes

[ericmsant2]

PEI

Spot on girly..and thank you for your response on my thread.

ITay - You know I have been where you are...I have and so have many others that post here.

- You see a glimmer of hope, that's good.
- You feel good, that's good.
- The crisis appears to be over, that is good.

Honey, I will keep telling you over and over...slow down...take it slow...

From your post it appears that you are WORKING SO HARD to “get it right”… working so hard to get back what you had. Man do I know what that's like.

You know, sometimes...doing nothing...is doing a lot.

This may be semantics...but one of your posts stood out to me. It made reference to learning a "new skill". I don't know what you meant by this and so I will give you my take from my PERSONAL experience.

When i arrived I did exactly some of the same things that it appears you are doing..I read and read so more. I thought I could "learn the tricks and apply the tactic" to get my W back - then I realized that tactics don't work. Tricks don't work.

Wanna know how I learned them….I learned by rushing and then making things worse when I pushed. I learned by trying to turn things around in my timeline and then getting frustrated when it didn’t happen. I learned this by using tactic to push, control and (sorry you may not like this) subtly manipulate my W in the hope that she would have seen that I have changed. Then something profound happened. I realized that honestly I had not made some of the major changes that I really did want to make. Then I realized that holly chit these change really do take time. Then sweetie…I realized the biggest gift that I have ever received…that DBing is not a tactic…it is not a trick…it really is a way of life.

You are working so hard to save your H, to give him time so that he can snap out of it. You are doing this because you love your H. Consider this….

To love something so much that you will do anything to keep it, is a sign that really what you may be dealing with is not love but rather codependence. To love something so much that all you want is what you want is usually a sign of an unhealthy R.

Now…..to love something so much that you will wait…that you will sit back, live your life, that you will do what you really want to do, that you will let it go and let what God wants to happen, happen in His time, to truly love it even when it decided to do something that YOU do not agree with…well IMO – that is Love.

And that love take time to rebuild, regrow, to allow the seed to blossom into a flower.

Itay, I soooo want your M to work…man if I could only look you in the eyes you’d see it. Trust me. Please honey….take a look at YOU…and I mean really take a look at YOU.

Everytime you are going to do something for YOU I want you to stop for one second and ask yourself….this one simple question….

Is this really for me or am I really doing this because I think this will help get my H back. If the honest answer to yourself is….for ME – then go for it. If the answer, is really I don’t “think or feel” like I want to do this but it may get my H back.. Then you are taking the wrong approach.

I am not a book, I am not a video tape…I am only a guys that has been through hell and I just want to make sure that you do not repeat the mistakes that I have made.

Time, patience’s, love, understanding, communication, peace – read all you want about them, true change comes from within – comes from a commitment that we make to our self – true change is really what DB is about – not tactics.

God Bless,
Eric