Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

So update from the last few days, so first, we just hired a new girl at work, which is great for me long term to take off some of this overload, but training her right now is so cumbersome. She is a super nice girl, but just fresh out of college, so there's definitely a lot of teaching to do. I spend most of the day training her, but then there's still other work that I need to do, so I end up working late, finally picking up S, eating, and crashing.

In fun news tho, last night, MIL and I went shopping after work and got all of the party items/decorations for S's party in a few weeks. We ended up going with the Disney's Cars theme. S is completely in love with that movie right now! I wasn't going to do a party this year b/c it gets expensive b/c H's family is so huge, but FIL insisted that S should have one and said he would pay for it. So yes, party time it is now! Lucky S to have such loving grandparents.

So now the update on H - always interesting of course. So I left off that I blew him off on Sunday from coming over. Later that day, I ran accross this awesome travel deal. After H's big speal a couple of weeks ago about wanting to take me on vacation, I forwarded him the email and joked "Where we gonna go? =P". He comes back totally serious about how he totally needs a vacation and we should totally go. In my brain, I'm thinking that time together to figure things could be really good. So sunday, he's super excited about it. Monday we end up meeting up for lunch. We're talking about it again and H is saying how much he wants to go, but then says he needs to check with his dad to see what the timeline is on the new place (which I agree). Then it goes to well maybe since football season is starting up here, we should just wait until january (I guess that's the sport month lull). Two thoughts go thru my head. 1) Uh, if you wait til January, we could be D'd by then 2) Does this at all ring a bell from last year. It's different but it brought up those awful memories from last fall where H told me he wanted to take me to Vegas for us just to "get away" but then backed out b/c they were "too busy b/c of football season" but then ended up going to Vegas with OW2 two weeks later. Obviously things are different from a year ago, but those are not pleasant memories. So now, I'm kind of on a whatever point. I did some research on the different places we were looking at & set those ideas in motion, but now, if he wants this time with me, he needs to make it happen. Of course it would be nice to have a short vacation, but I can't continue to be the only one to push this and our R along, so he needs to step up. So we'll see what happens with this, if anything...

Next interesting thing. I've continued my distant but pleasant mode. I rarely if ever initiate texts and respond to H in complete responses but don't really push the conversation (which like I said before, makes me a little nervious, b/c if he doesn't have me to chat with then who's he going to find to chat with - OW3, right? I hope not, but I don't know). But I think it's working - somewhat. H texted last night to ask how my night was and then adds "You know you can text me sometimes too". Oh, so he noticed. Good! =P I ignored that part of it then just responded about S's and my night. I threw him a little bone tonight and texted first about something silly S did tonight. He responded but then it just died from there and I felt no need to keep the conversation going. Tomorrow night we are "supposed" to have dinner after i "penciled" him in after last weeks dinner miss. He hasn't said anything about it since, so I don't know if it's still hapenning or not. I want to ask about it so I can plan, but I don't really feel like intiating it either, so we'll see what happens.

Overall, I'm still very confused and don't know what to make of it all. Bottom line, I still don't trust him. I'm having trouble still not letting my mind wander. Is OW3 still in the picture and if she is, is H with her tonight for nice night off (which I have no evidence they were ever hanging out in the first place b/c they spent so much time texting, when would they have had time to hang out?) So I don't know. I just really don't. I don't want him to play me for the fool and I think I have my defensives up for that. It's weird like last night when H texted me about not texting him, I felt no need or desire to text him before that. Before I wouldn't text him b/c that was part of my techinque, but I had the biggest inner struggle not to. I feel like I'm learning to distance/detach myself a little from H to protect myself from the potential hurt. I think that's good, but like I said, I still just really don't know what to do to finally get this to a turning point...it just seems like it's going to keep going...and going...and going...