And so it goes

[PEI]

Taylor,

PEI,

So, what you're saying is that you feel I am putting a check mark next to my skills at Validating and that I am quickly glossing over the subject of Validation..and you've come to that conclusion because of the comment I made saying that I'd read the thread recommended to me and I could see that I was doing some of those things already?

I'm not sure how you got that out of what I said. Help me to understand.

As Lance pointed out, what I said was:

Truly learning how to listen and validate is a skill that takes time to build. Really read the resources ... over and over again until they become a part of who you are and how you operate. Unfortunately, doing some things right gets 'cancelled out' very quickly by doing something wrong. Many positives can be obliterated by even a single negative sometimes ... and conversely, it can take many, many positives to override a negative. Fair? Nope. Reality? Yep.

In the beginning I thought I was giving my H space, was I? Nope. But I thought I was. I thought I was loving unconditionally, I thought I was validating, etc .... was I? NO. My intentions were good, but it takes time to understand, truly understand, the depth of some of this stuff. Now, I not saying you don't ... just that if I were you, I wouldn't be too quick to gloss over something and put a checkmark beside it - Yep, doing that!

So, it's not an accusation Taylor, it was a warning. Based on personal experience as I also explained (and I would also like to point out that your post followed Lance's (re)posting of the resource thread by approx 16 minutes). If you truly want to learn about validation and see it in action, read missherlove's thread ... he is far better at validation then I will ever be.

IMO..A little encouragement goes a long way when you're learning a new skill..or feeling like you're doing so many things the wrong way. I'd rather that someone asked me what I was thinking if they weren't sure, instead of assuming something that wasn't true.

Taylor, you've received nothing but encouragement. It just doesn't always come packaged in a way you want to hear it. Jack said to me once, and I'll repeat it here ... "I'm not your friend, I'm your support"... what I think he meant by that, was that he was here to tell me what he felt I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear.

It probably doesn't seem like it, but I really do know this is going to be a long haul. Do I want it to be over as soon as possible so we can move on with being happy and having a normal life? I'd be a glutton for pain if I said anything by YES.YES.YES!!! Am I willing to put in the work to get there? Without a shadow of a doubt.

Ok, Grit ... this ones for you ...

Taylor ... the real question is "Are you willing to put in the work even if it doesn't get you there?" Hmmmmmmmmm. That is a much tougher question to answer. I would hazard a guess that most of the posters on this board would say "Hell YEAH!" to doing the work necessary with a guarenteed outcome. But what if I told you that the real work was all about you? What if I told you that you that all the work you really need to do might not save your marriage .... would you still do it?

I would answer those questions the same whether we stay together or go our separate ways. I'm trying to think in terms of "happy life" instead of "happy marriage". It's more healthy for me.

This sounds good Taylor, now live up to what you wrote.

What I was really trying to point out was that this process is like an onion (nickle Shrek) and the layers just keep getting deeper and deeper. I'm not judging you. I'm hoping you can learn something from my experience, from Lance, from eric, from punkin ... from any of the people here on the boards ... ultimately that's why we're all here.

Peace
PEI