And so it goes

[ltaylor]

PEI,

So, what you're saying is that you feel I am putting a check mark next to my skills at Validating and that I am quickly glossing over the subject of Validation..and you've come to that conclusion because of the comment I made saying that I'd read the thread recommended to me and I could see that I was doing some of those things already?

I'm not sure how you got that out of what I said. Help me to understand.

[LanceSijan]

it takes time to understand, truly understand, the depth of some of this stuff.
Now, I not saying you don't ... just that if I were you, I wouldn't be too quick to gloss over something and put a checkmark beside it

This is exactly what she said, she said KEEP STUDYING! Keep learning

[punkin]

L,
I think what Pei is saying is that, and I may be wrong, but it's not like checking off a list of chores you have to complete before you get to go to the movies. Once you've put everything away, folded the clothes, washed the dishes, swept the floor, etc. "These are done now I'm through", type of stuff. They are chores that have to be repeated and refined over and over until you want to f*cking scream!

You are no different from the rest of us. At the beginning, we all wanted a date, time, hour, minute, second that this sh#t would be over and our life could get back to normal. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. I myself have not had an opportunity to do any validation, as we are NC for the most part. He's had no "real" conversation with me. But I know that if and when it comes, it will be hard work, done over and over and over again each and every day forever amen.

There are times when I think it's not worth it. There are days I'm determined and strong and couragous about it. In the end, all you can do is say "Jesus take the wheel" and drive on.

Hope I didn't ramble.

[ltaylor]

Yes, Lance..I'm studying..I'm learning. I get that this is hard stuff and takes time, patience, understanding and alot of work.
IMO..A little encouragement goes a long way when you're learning a new skill..or feeling like you're doing so many things the wrong way. I'd rather that someone asked me what I was thinking if they weren't sure, instead of assuming something that wasn't true.

In no way would I ever want to give the impression that I knew all there is to know about ANY subject. But I have met people who think they know it all. I'll just say..I'm not one of those.

[ltaylor]

Thanks Punkin. I wasn't checking Validation off the list..and I was trying to figure out how I came off looking like I was. That's all. Anyway..no big deal.

It probably doesn't seem like it, but I really do know this is going to be a long haul. Do I want it to be over as soon as possible so we can move on with being happy and having a normal life? I'd be a glutton for pain if I said anything by YES.YES.YES!!! Am I willing to put in the work to get there? Without a shadow of a doubt. Do I know what I'm doing? Still got my training wheels on...and sometimes I can keep the bike steady. And when I do..then I want to tell everyone I know so they can be happy right there beside me.

I would answer those questions the same whether we stay together or go our separate ways. I'm trying to think in terms of "happy life" instead of "happy marriage". It's more healthy for me.

[irishblessings]

Taylor,

What have you been doing lately for you? How are you carrying yourself? What schedule have you set for yourself - what boundaries have you set for yourself? Are you giving yourself space to heal and to respect your H's need for space?

Just asking for an update - to catch up!

IB

[punkin]

L,
There is so much to learn so fast, and so much to absorb that is painful. You seem so eager to learn it and accomplish it and I applaud that. Just take care of You, because sometimes by trying to absorb too much too fast, we set ourselves up for more hurt, and if there is something here that we don't need, it's us hurting ourselves.

I also like what you said about thinking in terms of Happy Life over Happy Marriage. Because win, lose or draw, we each owe it to ourselves to create as Happy a Life as Possible.

[ltaylor]

Irish,

What am I doing for me? Well..

I have been reading non-self help books..some fiction that I've been wanting to read for a long time.

I'm exercising every single day..and really working hard at it.

I have been updating my resume and checking into classes. I also plan to bring my resume to the job service tomorrow to have them help me modernize it a little.

I've done some stuff around the house that has piled up while I was "waiting for my real life to begin". That's a song I like..BTW.

I have been talking to my girlfriends about fun stuff..not about the marriage or anything having to do with problems.

I have gone shopping and bought a new outfit..actually a couple of new outfits.

I have done some home spa stuff..facials, pedicures, manicures.

I invited my D here last weekend and we visited for 2 days about fun stuff. We made plans for her upcoming wedding.

I have smoked in the house...not alot but a little. Just because I wanted to.

I have laughed alot and tried to find more positive things than negative things.

I have spent alot of time here on this forum trying to offer encouragement because I think it's important to give back.

I've gone to church and lit candles.

I've spent some quality time with my little grandson.

And most of all I have been thinking of all the blesings in my life.

Those are things that make me happy.

How about you??

[ltaylor]

Oh and Irish..I have been giving my H space..and myself too. I asked him if we could not discuss anything about the R until we went to our new MC on the 18th. It has helped us to just be comfortable and have fun with each other. We flirt with each other now, because there's not that constant pressure.

[irishblessings]

Great list Taylor!

Honestly, I have been just trying to maintain some consistency and structure at home for my S. Been enjoying my D who moved back home. Visiting my other D at college.

I really haven't been accomplishing as much as I'd like to at home - not yet. But I am doing better at work - keeping it together.

I need to do a better job with my friends and family not discussing the situation.

I also need to do a better job with diet and exercise. Getting enough rest and such.

Bottom line - I'm not there yet. But for most of the day I don't tear up any longer - for that I am proud.