Lin..does imLIN stand for "I'm living in a nightmare"? Cause that's what I feel like sometimes.
I, too, had a health problem just before he left. I had a breast cancer scare and he went with me to the hospital for testing. Thank God, cause it was hell.
Can you describe what you mean about the ride being really tough once you start actually trying to work things out? in more detail, I mean. I'd like to know what to expect now that we're at that point. I think this new MC will help us somewhat. It's better than trying to figure it out all on our own, anyway. I know every relationship is different and the hurdles will be different too, but just generally speaking what were some of the issues that surfaced? I'm having a bit of a problem with the internal visual of him being with another woman..and seeing them together when I close my eyes. And the fact that he was ready to throw away all that we had for her or for some other pipe dream. I am going to have to let that go, but for now..it's front and center.
From what my H has shared with me he was not happy when he was gone but he was trying desperately to "heal" himself...of course now he knows he was going about it in the wrong way (OW, alcohol, night clubs, wrong crowd)...but never the less he felt he was doing what he needed to find happiness...and from my point of view now there was no way he could let me know he wasn't happy because that would mean he was failing, that I wasn't the problem, and he wasn't going to conceded defeat...he had to be right! I know this may not be you wanted to hear...it is hard,'t lie about that...but is it worth it?...YOU BETCHA it is!!!
imlin, Thanks for this insight. I needed it today and it hit home for me with what is in my W's head.
Sorry so much for bumping but Lin, it really seems to me that you know a lot about this lovely MLC. Was wondering if you could please look at my thread. I could really use some advice.
I have been at this for 21 months and I'm standing for my M. All of you on this thread seem to have it together more than I do. I feel like I should be way ahead of this. Any input from anyone would help me out greatly.
Please have patience with your self! This is NOT easy work. You have stood for 21 months! Are you kidding - that's AMAZING! Will read your thread ~ but my initial input is to keep coming back to who YOU are ~ why are you standing ~
I hit really low points just about every day ~ I know that I'm spending too much time reading about all of this and concentrating on it - but it helps me cope RIGHT NOW. I imagine my coping mechanisms will change as I get stronger.
I met with my IC today and really she just listens and questions me about why I think certain ways, etc. Right now I am REALLY struggling with the fact that in my H's current reality (which could be his reality for the rest of his life) I have meant nothing or I have been the root cause of all of his unhappiness. I am having a terrible time with this - primarily because I can't fix it!
Keep up your faith - keep coming back to the boards and reminding yourself about why you are standing! If it is what you believe - then it is the good fight!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Irish..I know what you're feeling when you say that you're struggling with being the root of all your Hs unhappiness. I think most of us are feeling that way or have felt that way at some point, too. My H has also told me those things..and it hurt to hear him say it. I thought we had a great relationship and I never had those kinds of feelings for him..ever. It was a stab in the heart to hear him say that about us and about me.
Now, with that said..listen to your heart..do you really believe it? Or do you think that your H is going thru some big, confusing life transition and doesn't know what he thinks/wants? Because there is a difference.
If you've read other stories about spouses that are in MLC, you can see the script, the patterns. And that is one of them. They tell you that they don't love you, they have never been happy with you, should never have married you, etc. For those of us who have been with these spouses for 20+ years( or any amount of time, for that matter)..do you really believe that? Well, I don't. It doesn't make sense that someone would stay with you if they really felt that way..nor does it make sense that they would wake up one day and come to that conculsion out of the blue. There has to be another explanation.
The biggest clue for me was the look in my husband's eyes. The blank stare, the fog, the confusion, the guilt, the hurt..you can see it all if you look. He doesn't know what he's doing..doesn't even remember things he said yesterday. And that is so not like him. He's a perfectionist about everything..including remembering.
The advice here is to leave them alone..do your own thing..GAL..work on you..don't worry about them and their stuff. I think it's actually easier to leave them alone to find their way if they come back to you a little bit. Then you don't feel so lost and desperate. But when you're in the moment and feel like you're losing them, we freak out and cling, plead, hold on with all we've got. The people who have gone thru this say it's the worst thing we can do, but it's human nature to do it and it's hard to make yourself not do it. In the end, we muddle thru the best way we can. Some things work, some things don't. Try new things Irish.
That book I have by MWD--(I think it's been re-named to be called Divorce Busting now)..but the the older version of the book is called : "A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man Without Him Even Knowing It"..if you haven't read that..please do. It gave me so much hope. She writes in a way that is fun to read and makes so much sense. She gives you REAL ideas and alot of them of them. So if one doesn't work, try another. It makes you think outside of the box, become creative. Give youself some hope. All is not lost. Even if it feels that way sometimes.
For me, the key was to let go and it helped me to let go when I started doing some of the stuff that people here suggested. It took me a long time..I started out making all the changes for him and for us..not for me. Then slowly it took on a different feel.. I would meet a friend just for fun, read a book I had been wanting to read..for fun, exercising because it felt good, laughing more, talking to my friends about stuff besides all this crap, visiting with my family and making myself NOT think about him and his problems, shopping to get myself something that looked great on me and made me happy. Make yourself happy, Irish. You deserve it.
I just read Eric's post and his determination to let go with love and compassion instead of anger and resentment. I myself am just now reaching that stage. I still want for my H to be the man I married, still want to remain married, but realize that may not be God's plan for the moment. I know you've followed my post, and today was a breakthrough of sorts for me. I sent into the same restaurant as my H with nary a butterfly in my stomach. Never looked at him one time. Saw him from the back get up and leave. And you know what, I didn't feel anything. Strange but true. Then reading Eric's post made me feel maybe that was a goal to reach for. No anger.
Tomorrow of course, I may be hormonal and blow up his truck. Today my mantra is peace and tranquility.
Punkin - so glad your day went well. What a wonderful personal victory!
I am really trying to come to terms with the NC and whether or not I am doing more harm than good to the relationship. NC has been just over 2 weeks and this is the longest we have had no contact in 28 years! He has texted 3 times but I have not seen it as an "emergency" to respond. What my IC and MC have said is that I have to find a break from "re-traumatization" - and his pure emotional and physical detachment is traumatizing. Additionally, his lack of recognition of the pain and harm to me and the kids is often unbearable. Therefore, NC is helping me to gain some strength (at least I hope so).
I know that I may be projecting ~ but how does reconnection occur? Who initiates? In my heart, I feel like the darker I stay the better ~ because if he reconnects then it will be of his own volition. By saying this, I'm not saying I expect him to do so, I just think after all that has happened, he has to to make the steps to indicate he wants to be with me. Not in a "prove yourself way" ~ more so in a "I want a happy, healthy relationship and am willing to do the work necessary to make it happen." The counselors keep telling me to keep a compassionate distance - do you think NC is doing that?
My daughter asked me a question the other day. She said "Mom, we kids see that over the past couple of years you have really made changes - less stressed, less overreactive, more calm. What has Dad ever changed for you or for the family?" I couldn't answer her. I've spent so much time trying to please and failing on just about every level. I have wondered if H finds someone else and possibly eventually remarries will 10 years down the road he be happier than if we made sincere efforts to overcome our issues and ended up together 10 years later? I want to believe the latter - but it takes 2 to believe it.
Thanks for listening!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I just want to be there to give you a big hug. It sounds like you think you need to keep doing the NC to keep from being hurt by him..but that you question whether or not it's the right thing to do. I don't have enough experience with NC to even offer an opinion. Keep asking..someone with experience will help.
As for the re-connection..I'd tell you how ours happened..but it isn't what everyone here would recommend and might end up hurting you more even if it worked. It is true that you want him to come back to you of his own free will..because he wants to be with you and because he wants the relationship to work and is willing to put in the work.
How does your C define Compassionate Distance? That's kind of an oxymoron isn't it? I guess it depends on how it's defined.
I'm a plan ahead type of gal myself, but projecting into the future and "what if's" are not good for people like you and I at this time.
When/If reconnections occurs, you'll know. And at that moment, somewhere deep inside you'll know whether or not what is right for You.
When I think of how long some of us LBS's have been waiting, I think of the old song "Delta Dawn" Do you remember it? About a girl that believes a man loves her and waits and waits until her entire life passes her by. I refuse to be that woman, for any man. That's not love, or standing. That's obsession.
Having kids makes N/C difficult, I understand, but you can still do a good job of being so dim he can't see his hand before his face.
