Are you sure your H has shown true remorse for these two affairs?
My worry right now is that he's just playing a game with you here becuase you have set a presedent of forgiving him.
If he cheats and you take him back... twice, then HE argues with you about how to participate safely in a marriage I really have a worry about his long term intentions and maturity level.
Glass' gauge of the viability of the marriage after infidelity is the amount of remorse and willingness to repair the damage the WS shows...
Your H has not cheated once but twice and instead of repairing the damage he's ARGUING with you that YOU don't know what YOU are talking about?
1. A happy marriage is not a vaccine against infidelity.
2. The person having the affair may not be giving enough at home rather than not getting enough.
3. It is normal to be attracted to another person, but fantasizing about what it would be like to be with that other person is a danger sign.
4. Flirting is crossing the line because it is an invitation that indicates receptivity.
5. Infidelity is not only about love or sex -- It's about maintaining appropriate boundaries with others and being open and honest in your committed relationship.
6. You do not have to have sexual intercourse to be unfaithful. Passionate kissing or oral sex is a violation of your commitment to your partner.
7. Emotional affairs are characterized by secrecy, emotional intimacy, and sexual chemistry. Emotional affairs can be more threatening than brief sexual flings.
Seven Tips for Preventing Infidelity 1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.
2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a coworker, meet in public rooms, not in a room with a bed.
3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of the marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.
5. Deep old flames from reigniting. If a former lover is coming to the class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with an old flame.
6. Don't go over the line when you're on-line with Internet friends. Discuss your on-line friendships with your partner and show him or her your e-mail if her or she is interested. Invite your partner to join in your correspondence so your Internet friend won't get any wrong ideas. Don't exchange sexual fantasies on-line.
7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don't believe in fooling around.
Critical Elements for Healing the Trauma of Infidelity
a. Recovery requires reversing the walls and windows in the extra-marital triangle to place the betrayed partner inside and the affair partner outside.
b. Healing cannot begin without safety. The first step in establishing safety is to stop all contact with the affair partner.
c. Rebuilding trust after deception and lying is achieved by complete honesty about the infidelity. Voluntarily sharing all unavoidable encounters with the affair partner is an essential trust builder.
d. Discussing the story of the affair is crucial for understanding the meaning of the infidelity.
I have typed out a lot here, but the real test is on pp 280 - 81.
There is a short quiz there (third of three in the text)
Your H would likely fail that test miserably right now. Photo copy that test or type it out and have him take it before reading the text if you want...
THAT will give HIM and YOU the answer about how serious he should be taking your concerns...
I also agree. It's so easy to want to jump right back in because you're anxious to be out of pain and back to feeling secure. However, without the proper work done on the stuff Allen has mentioned, you can't be secure.
DH and I just returned from our vacation. We had a very nice time, and it was good to get away (at least for me -- I really needed a relaxing break).
However, we had a therapy session yesterday. The result was basically the "revelation" that we have a parent/child dynamic going on (with him being the "rebellious teenager" and me being the parent.) Our therapist believes that DH may truly want to be with me (and she believes we are, in many ways, deeply compatible and "it's clear why we're together"), but that DH is not psychologically grown up enough to be an adult in a marriage. She suggested to him that while I approach our relationship like a "marriage", he isn't really there yet -- that I have been the one to "drive" the relationship over the years, and he's just sort of followed my lead. But the issues we're having stem from his pushing back against my "authority" in an attempt to "figure out who he is" and to grow up.
Sadly, I wasn't able to get an answer from our therapist about what the heck I'm supposed to do about that. I feel like I can either A) wait around for him to "grow up" and start acting like a husband (and not just some guy I'm "dating"), while he potentially continues to hurt me and do stupid things; or B) refuse to be married to a "child" by walking away, while also giving him a full opportunity to grow up and "experience the world" (but it would likely be without me for good... because I don't know if I could get past watching him do things that would otherwise be considered a betrayal to a marriage, in order to "find himself" or whatever). But part of me feels like maybe I'm missing a third and better option... I just don't know how to get what I want/need (which is to be married to a man who is my equal and partner, and who willingly and fully conducts himself as a married person), without doing something myself. I feel like all I can do is to keep working on my own issues -- but fixing those things aren't going to fix him or our marriage.
He hasn't really been reading "Not Just Friends", which I guess doesn't surprise me (he's not a reader, even of books he wants to read on his own). He keeps saying he will though. It seems useless to keep giving him materials and resources. And besides, it seems like that's basically just "more of the same" from me anyway -- and it obviously hasn't worked all that well in the past. He's not the kind of person who seeks out such advice/knowledge on his own (unless he's asking friends/family, who inevitably are biased and full of really bad advice). So I don't know any other way to "reach" him. Or if I should even be trying (and if I'm not supposed to try, then my fear is "how will he ever learn" and "how long am I supposed to wait for him to figure it out without me"?)
Me: 29 Him: 30 Married: 2 years Together: 13 years No kids Bomb: 6/4/10 Started MC: 7/16/10
Do you think you could get him to go away for a weekend marriage retreat thing? The one I went on with H was incredible!!! It takes the place of MONTHS of counseling, even though it isn't counseling. I truly think that where you are in this relationship, it would be extremely beneficial to you.
I am so slammed right now, I don't have the time until next week, but I want to post a lot about the weekend. Your H doesn't have to WANT to go, he only has to be willing to go - even if for the wrong reasons and even if it is with the worst attitude in the world.
Children that aren't parented end up like your H... and Sunny's H and everyone else's husband
He needs boundaries and education... a FT can provide that...
And no you aren't supposed to sit around in panic ... you should feel emotionally and physically safe in your marriage and your home.
The boundaries are there to protect that.
Honesty and transparency solidify those boundaries... Otherwise they are just hollow words with no force behind them.
Parents do thsi with children. There's no reason why adults shouldn't do this with each other.. YOU need boundaries too... make it something you both setup and agree to follow that will keep your H from getting defensive
