My husband's emotional affair

[justpeachy]

It's been a few weeks...

DH and I just returned from our vacation. We had a very nice time, and it was good to get away (at least for me -- I really needed a relaxing break).

However, we had a therapy session yesterday. The result was basically the "revelation" that we have a parent/child dynamic going on (with him being the "rebellious teenager" and me being the parent.) Our therapist believes that DH may truly want to be with me (and she believes we are, in many ways, deeply compatible and "it's clear why we're together"), but that DH is not psychologically grown up enough to be an adult in a marriage. She suggested to him that while I approach our relationship like a "marriage", he isn't really there yet -- that I have been the one to "drive" the relationship over the years, and he's just sort of followed my lead. But the issues we're having stem from his pushing back against my "authority" in an attempt to "figure out who he is" and to grow up.

Sadly, I wasn't able to get an answer from our therapist about what the heck I'm supposed to do about that. I feel like I can either A) wait around for him to "grow up" and start acting like a husband (and not just some guy I'm "dating"), while he potentially continues to hurt me and do stupid things; or B) refuse to be married to a "child" by walking away, while also giving him a full opportunity to grow up and "experience the world" (but it would likely be without me for good... because I don't know if I could get past watching him do things that would otherwise be considered a betrayal to a marriage, in order to "find himself" or whatever). But part of me feels like maybe I'm missing a third and better option... I just don't know how to get what I want/need (which is to be married to a man who is my equal and partner, and who willingly and fully conducts himself as a married person), without doing something myself. I feel like all I can do is to keep working on my own issues -- but fixing those things aren't going to fix him or our marriage.

He hasn't really been reading "Not Just Friends", which I guess doesn't surprise me (he's not a reader, even of books he wants to read on his own). He keeps saying he will though. It seems useless to keep giving him materials and resources. And besides, it seems like that's basically just "more of the same" from me anyway -- and it obviously hasn't worked all that well in the past. He's not the kind of person who seeks out such advice/knowledge on his own (unless he's asking friends/family, who inevitably are biased and full of really bad advice). So I don't know any other way to "reach" him. Or if I should even be trying (and if I'm not supposed to try, then my fear is "how will he ever learn" and "how long am I supposed to wait for him to figure it out without me"?)