Irish..I know what you're feeling when you say that you're struggling with being the root of all your Hs unhappiness. I think most of us are feeling that way or have felt that way at some point, too. My H has also told me those things..and it hurt to hear him say it. I thought we had a great relationship and I never had those kinds of feelings for him..ever. It was a stab in the heart to hear him say that about us and about me.
Now, with that said..listen to your heart..do you really believe it? Or do you think that your H is going thru some big, confusing life transition and doesn't know what he thinks/wants? Because there is a difference.
If you've read other stories about spouses that are in MLC, you can see the script, the patterns. And that is one of them. They tell you that they don't love you, they have never been happy with you, should never have married you, etc. For those of us who have been with these spouses for 20+ years( or any amount of time, for that matter)..do you really believe that? Well, I don't. It doesn't make sense that someone would stay with you if they really felt that way..nor does it make sense that they would wake up one day and come to that conculsion out of the blue. There has to be another explanation.
The biggest clue for me was the look in my husband's eyes. The blank stare, the fog, the confusion, the guilt, the hurt..you can see it all if you look. He doesn't know what he's doing..doesn't even remember things he said yesterday. And that is so not like him. He's a perfectionist about everything..including remembering.
The advice here is to leave them alone..do your own thing..GAL..work on you..don't worry about them and their stuff. I think it's actually easier to leave them alone to find their way if they come back to you a little bit. Then you don't feel so lost and desperate. But when you're in the moment and feel like you're losing them, we freak out and cling, plead, hold on with all we've got. The people who have gone thru this say it's the worst thing we can do, but it's human nature to do it and it's hard to make yourself not do it. In the end, we muddle thru the best way we can. Some things work, some things don't. Try new things Irish.
That book I have by MWD--(I think it's been re-named to be called Divorce Busting now)..but the the older version of the book is called : "A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man Without Him Even Knowing It"..if you haven't read that..please do. It gave me so much hope. She writes in a way that is fun to read and makes so much sense. She gives you REAL ideas and alot of them of them. So if one doesn't work, try another. It makes you think outside of the box, become creative. Give youself some hope. All is not lost. Even if it feels that way sometimes.
For me, the key was to let go and it helped me to let go when I started doing some of the stuff that people here suggested. It took me a long time..I started out making all the changes for him and for us..not for me. Then slowly it took on a different feel.. I would meet a friend just for fun, read a book I had been wanting to read..for fun, exercising because it felt good, laughing more, talking to my friends about stuff besides all this crap, visiting with my family and making myself NOT think about him and his problems, shopping to get myself something that looked great on me and made me happy. Make yourself happy, Irish. You deserve it.
