WAW says she wants to come back

[Grocerykartman]

It's just a terrible mental block. I have not given in and am not on track to do so. But I WONDER and Second Guess all the time. Mostly because, if the letter she sent me below is sincere enough on her part, is it sensible for me to try to work on things instead of throwing in the towel? Is it close enough to try to keep OM out of my daughter's life?, which is a huge issue for me. It is like there is a fork in the road here, and I am taking the one that esnures my family is split and there is free reign for the OM to influence my daughter. I could pursue full custody-but I don't beleive that's the right thing to do for my daughter's sake. WAW and I get along remarkably well separated, and we have 50/50 custody. That would add a lot of problems to an amicable situation. My question really is, is she on the right track with this letter or is she still way out there? I maintain she's still way out there, but I have been bull headed and tunnel visioned before and don't want to make a big mistake if anyone can see something I don't. Names have of course been changed to protect the innocent.

Hi Grocerykartman,

"Maybe this is a better way to communicate anyway considering you feel more comfortable with written word and we are not drained from our hard days at work.....to allow us to both be more clear and level headed. I on the other hand do not feel as confident that I can get my points across in writing...but I will try.
First and foremost.....this is not me being scared of DUH-DUH-DUN....the (approaching day in court).
I have been praying a lot....even falling asleep while praying at night. I praying for forgiveness, guidance, and for our families well being. I have been trying to give all of my anxieties to God and trust in Him and HIS plan. I was growing wearying because I felt like I was not "hearing Him" ...until I thought recently that maybe I just have to listen with my heart. Isn't that where Jesus is supposed to live?? Just makes sense...
My heart tells me I belong with my family.....and not just my family...but YOU. I could not honestly say that 6 months ago. I know you don't understand why I couldn't realize that back then and make the appropriate changes....I just couldn't see it. I am sorry. You know how they say, you can't make a person loose weight or quit smoking until they are ready?? I guess it similar to that. I understand that in a relationship....it may be too late because in the time one takes in getting "ready"/or to the right place, it may have hurt the other beyond repair. That is another aspect that I see crystal clear now....how much I have hurt you. I honestly was so immersed in my own hurt, disappointment, and self hatred that I did not think I was doing anything wrong....or hurtful. Sounds crazy but it's true. It has been hitting me rather hard....how poorly and unfairly I have treated you. I see that now. I am sorry. It was not intentional...
I also do see that your 1-2-2-1 thing

[INTERJECTING HERE TO EXPLAIN, I told her basically, ok, so I did a lot of neglectful things in the marriage, and I'll take MORE of the blame than you for how bad things got, so that's act 1. You respond by essentially bringing a gun to a knife fight by getting involved with OM, so that's act 2. I need you to give up act 2 before I can start to fix what was wrong with act 1. She, though, has seemed to think I needed to show her something that would make her believe things would be different-in other words, fix act 1 before she would give up act 2. In short, I see it as Act 1 happened, act 2 happened, so act 2 needs to go away so I can fix act 1. She wants 1-2-1-2.]

(I know that is wrong...but I honestly never understood what you were saying...just heard 1's and 2's LOL....buy I get the jist of it) was right. I still think that you down play what I went through with you....please consider that. To me, my hurt and disappointment was a 2.....actually it felt/feels like a 10. I know you can't understand that but it is very much true. I think the sooner you can understand, believe, and feel that...the better we will be.
I guess the real question is....what do you want? I can only tell you what I want. I think it goes without saying that neither of us want things to go back to how they were. We BOTH have a lot of changes to make and things to work through. I blamed you for not wanting me but I gave you no reason to. I see and believe that. I will change that. I will do what ever it takes to make you want me. You know, one of the biggest issues that have plagued us from the very beginning is that I never felt like you choose me....I was just there. I fully realize now that if you we commit to making things work this time.....you will have chosen me! I can foresee myself being able to let that old thought go because of that.
Try not to think back on the times that we have failed miserably at connecting (like late last year). I was checked out by then....there was no hope at that time. I felt better saying I gave it one last chance ......but did I/we really?
You often said in the beginning of our problems that my actions spoke volumes to you about what/who I wanted. What do my actions speak to you now? I always want to be with you....even when I have D3. I want us to be a happy family and have siblings for D3. I thought maybe I didn't want to before, but that was because I was so unhappy with our relationship. I realize that is VERY important to me.
So here is where you won't be able to get the full range or emotion I am trying to express....I am crying so hard right now that I can't see the screen. I don't even care who sees me....
I know that none of this matters if you don't feel confident that I have given OM up. Grocerykartman, I have spoken with OM about this...he understands. I can and will give him up.....DONE. I could certainly be with him if I wanted to now. Again....goes back to my actions. IF this was all about him.....would I want to come back to a broken marriage that will require a lot of work? Wouldn't I just move on with him? This has been extremely hard on me because (despite what you think of him) he is a good person. I have hurt him too. When did I become such a monster....hurt everyone in my path??
So, is this enough to make you want to talk to me further? There is so much to say.....I have 100 thoughts rolling around in my head and I am finding it hard to put them down in an articulate format.
Please don't feel bad if you have to write me or tell me that you don't feel the same way....if you are done and want out...just tell me. I can and will be okay with that...at some point. We will work thru it just as we have been (I have been very proud of us in that respect).
I love you Grocerykartman.

If anyone would be so kind as to share their opinion on this, I would definitely appreciate it. Thank you.