I'm now healing and moving forward

[ericmsant2]

All

It has been a tough few weeks for me and I wanted to share with everyone what is going on in my life, my mind, my heart and what I am planning and hoping for. This post may be a bit rambling.

The past few weeks/days have been somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster for me. I have been up, I have been down, I have cried, I have laughed and more importantly I have accepted. I have accepted that many things in life our outside of our control.

Yesterday I began packing some of my personal belongings away. I cleaned out my desk, packed up some of the winter cloths and packed away pictures of the kids, pictures of what was once a very happy family. I packed away my weeding picture, etc. It was f’in heart breaking and I am not ashamed to say – I cried.

Some of you may be wondering why I am packing. I have decided that for my mental health I can no longer live the same house with my W. The house is no longer home for me. I will no longer allow the fear of the unknown, the fear of loneness, the fear of failure, the fear of can I afford to maintain two household; hold me back from what my heart tells me I must do, which is leave. My decision to leave is not a ploy or some tactic to elicit some response from my W. It is what I need to do for ME - period.

As some of you know, I have lived in the house with my wife for 11 months post bomb. During this time I have made the traditional LBS mistakes. During this time I have also grown.
For the first several months post bomb, I slept in the same bed with someone who is totally emotionally detached – someone who has decided that the M was over. It a decision that right, wrong or indifferent I have come to accept. I deserve better now and I know it. I have finally gotten through my big head that regardless of reason, regardless of what WE want, regardless of circumstances, regardless of children, regardless of the word “commitment” – my partner has decided to severe the R. In short, I finally understand how important it is to really let go. Let go not just for me but also for my W.

I now understand that the true test for all of us is ……how you let go. I believe we have two options:

1) Let go with anger and resentment or
2) Let go with love, understanding and compassion

I have decided to let go with love, understanding and compassion.

Does that mean that I do not hurt? On the contrary, the pain can be extreme at times.

Does that mean that I do not have hope? Nope – I hope and wish for the best for everyone.

Does that mean that I agree with my W decision to move forward with a D? No – I do however; understand her need to move forward.

Ya know, often we the LBS’s come here and bi*ch and moan about how we have been wronged. Many of the stories are true. Many of us have been wronged. What I do not see often, is the remorse or acknowledgment of our faults and issues and role in the break up. Yeah we all admit we were controlling or had our own issues BUT then we turn our attention away from our own issues and direct them at our spouses. We often, pay lip service to our issues. Now this is not said to offend anyone. When we get here we are in pain. We are a mess BUT I believe with all of my heart that if and when we can really focus on fixing us, that life get a little better.

Turning our attention on us….Have we all considered what our spouses endured? Have we all really started to change or kill those faults of ours? IMO, the only way that you can do this is to truly let go.

Yesterday, my D asked me…daddy are you and mommy getting divorced? IT BROKE MY F’in HEART. So I responded…”well honey, I am not sure…we are not divorced yet”. My DD’s response….”daddy I want things to go back to normal they way the use to be – I want you to sleep with mommy in the bed – I want us to be a happy family again”. Nothing and I mean nothing can prepare you for this conversation. My response – “DD, you know that what mommy are going through has nothing to do with you. We both love you very much”. Then my DD said “daddy I don’t want to have to choose” – my response “honey let’s see what happens, god willing you will spend time with both of us, maybe half with me and half with mommy but whatever happen honey…I will always love you and will also be your dad. You honey can always count on me. You just call me and I will see you. I love you DD”. Then I went outside and cried.

On Sept 9th I have a scheduled sit down with me, my wife and our L’s to see if we can reach an agreement on the D. I have to say that I am nervous. I am. What I am confident in though is this….I will do what I believe is right. I will not do anything in anger. I will do what is right and just and do the best that I can. That is all that I can ask of myself.

In my sitch, 3 children are involved (9, 14 and 16), which make things a bit more complicated and emotional. I find myself reminding myself to check my ego at the door. I find that I keep telling myself the same thing over and over….”Eric, do what is right by them – not what you want Eric…what is right by them”. It is not easy my friends. No easy at all.

As the days go by I can see my W happier and happier. It hurts like hell. I have to be honest and say that still wonder…how someone can disconnect so fast, so profoundly BUT then I realize, my W is now making decisions for her. She has grown, grown in a different direction than I. She has grown as a person. A person, who is no longer a concerned about how I feel. That is when I have to remind myself that she is responsible for her actions, that she (in her defense) allowed me to make mistake in our M, which is a testament to just how much she loved me. Shouldn’t I understand that she will make her own mistakes. Hey…are they really mistakes or rather just not what I want. This is where unconditional love comes to my mind. It is when I realize that she loved me so much and for so many years that she did the best she could, we did the best we could. It was not all bad. It is when I realize that damn…I have changed. For this I thank her.

Anywhoo….what are my plans? Well I have several areas that I would like to focus on.

1) Outline my parenting plan
2) Continue to heal
3) Continue to strive to be the best that I can be
4) Continue to be the best dad that I can be
5) Continue to do what is right
6) Outline a plan to maintain and support myself and my children

A good friend of mine who shall remain nameless asked me what my I wanted for my parenting plan. My friend I will send this post to your email.

First off, as many of you may know already, my W does not agree with a 50/50 split of the children. Believe it or not, I can understand. She was a stay at home mom for years and so the thought of “loosing” her children must be painful. I have also accepted that although I feel the same pain (of losing my children) – she cannot understand that. It is what it is. So, I have given this a lot of thought and being guided by one core principal “to do what is right”….I will do what is in the best interest of the children. This means that I have accepted that a full blow fight in court is not in the best interest of the kids. Someone will need to bend more than the other – I will be the one willing to bend more. I do so ONLY for my kids. They may never understand but it is the actions that I take that I hope that one day they will remember.

So what is right for the kids?

1) They should remain in the schools that they are currently in. This should help ease the amount of change that they experience. For my teenage boys I believe that this is important. My sons have a lot of friends and although they can make new ones I do not think it best for them to move them to another school.

2) They should remain in house that they have been raised in. Once again, this should help ease the amount of change that they experience. Having said this – I do not want to control what and where my W lives. It is only my opinion and one that I would suggest.

3) Responsibilities that me and my W have assumed in the past few months should remain in place For example, I am normally the one that takes the kids for haircuts, cloth shopping and back to school shopping. I would like to see this remain.

In terms of a schedule, here is what I think works best for the kids. I also think that this work for my wife as well, that is if she still is of the opinion that their father should play a major role in their lives.

The standard parenting plan in the state that I live in has the non custodial parent having one day during the week and overnight visits every other weekend. My thoughts for a schedule are:

On the weeks where I do not have them for the weekend I would like to pick up the kids after school on Monday and Thursday. I would return the children home at 9pm.

On the weeks that I have them for the weekend, I would like to weekends to begin on Thursday after school. I would have the kids, Thursday night, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I would return the kids home on Sunday at 8pm.

In addition, I would like to one additional weekend a month; however, that weekend would be a Saturday overnight.

Finally, yesterday was such an emotional day. It was capped off by a call from my brother, whom for those of you who know my story; know that he and I have not been close for years. I have not spoken to my brother in probably 3 years. So…he called yesterday to say this….

Brother - Eric how are you?
Me – I’m okay. How are you?
B – Fine. I was calling to ask you if you had mom’s number.
Me – Yes I do. Do you have a piece of paper?
B – Yeah. BTW Eric – I want you to know that I am sorry. (I knew what he meant by this)
M – It’s okay man – don’t sweat it.
B – You know Eric…you have always been there for me. You have been there for me my entire life.
M – Don’t worry about man. I love you and you are my brother.
B – Eric – I am sorry. You have always been a good man. You have always been a great dad. I am sorry.

We spoke a bit more…nothing too deep. I hung up with him and I cried again.

I guess the purpose of this little story is this……

I have waited to hear those words from my brother since I can remember. God has a funny way of answering prayer…as the saying goes…God is never late. He answers prayers in His time NOT ours. So…for those of you who remain steadfast in your belief….God will answer. You don’t know when, you don’t know how..and maybe the answer is not what you want or in the form that you wanted but he is right on time.

God Bless,
Eric