Right now I'm looking into fear and how to deal with that..since it's such a large part of what I'm feeling. These things take hours..literally. They are all not in one place, as I'm sure you know.
Patience is going to be key. Reconciling a M is not easy and takes time. You seem to be in a rush and trust me I can understand; however, time is really on your side. Rushing things will not resolve all of the issues, which must be addressed. So for now IMO, slow down a bit. Stop trying to figure everything out and find the one bullet that will make it all go back to normal. IMO, you are setting yourself up for failure. Your M may be restored and will probably look and feel different, which is what you want. The look and feel will take time. I am sure that you guys did not date for a month of two and then get married. So really...sit back...breath and just let God do his work.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I used to think I was the most patient person on the planet..this has been a big lesson in patience for me. I realize that I'm not so patient as I thought..as Jack has so eloquently pointed out..many times.
And yes, I would like to wake up tomorrow and have it all just be good..but I'm realistic and know that's not going to happen. My H is into the slow recovery..it's just frustrating for me, I guess. He's not the one who's gone for a year and a half with no intimacy whatsoever. I'm getting better..at least it's making more sense to me now. And I can live without touching him for a little while longer..if I have to. That was kind of a joke..kinda sorta.
ok..looked at the validating link. It makes sense and I was surprised to see that I have done alot of it already. Of course, I've done alot of other stuff that hasn't been all that great but it's nice to see that I'm doing some of the right things! yaaaaayyyyy!!!
hey Taylor, I don't want to be the party pooper ... but ....
Truly learning how to listen and validate is a skill that takes time to build. Really read the resources ... over and over again until they become a part of who you are and how you operate. Unfortunately, doing some things right gets 'cancelled out' very quickly by doing something wrong. Many positives can be obliterated by even a single negative sometimes ... and conversely, it can take many, many positives to override a negative. Fair? Nope. Reality? Yep.
In the beginning I thought I was giving my H space, was I? Nope. But I thought I was. I thought I was loving unconditionally, I thought I was validating, etc .... was I? NO. My intentions were good, but it takes time to understand, truly understand, the depth of some of this stuff. Now, I not saying you don't ... just that if I were you, I wouldn't be too quick to gloss over something and put a checkmark beside it - Yep, doing that!
I wish the best for you, but frankly, I share a lot of Cat's concerns. Keep doing the work, keep digging, keep reading ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Taylor not to hit you with a 2x4 but the link I gave you for the validation is the second time it was given to you. Cadet gave you some excellent links at the start of your first thread. It was in the link with the stages of the LBS. Thats how I went to go find it. There is lots of information in all these links. I have spent hours(really weeks) reading them all. The whole thread with all the comments, and all the additional links that they take you to. Some of this information is not what you need now but you must be able to go back to it and re-read it when you need it.
I've read them for months and still haven't retained all the info. I still learn something each day. I'm trying to learn how not to let my emotions control my words now.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
I still learn something each day. I'm trying to learn how not to let my emotions control my words now.
Did either of you learn how to ride a bike? I assume yes...do you remember that experience? I would bet yes (neither of you are that old LOL).
Detachment, DBing, validating – learning these things take time. You will feel like you have detached and then all of sudden get dragged back in. So back to the bike analogy...
So like bike riding…you will fall a few times…..just pick yourself up and get back on the bike and keep going.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You will feel like you have detached and then all of sudden get dragged back in.
100% right.
I felt I was detached from Oct-March. I was GAL, I was feeling good. But my way of GAL, going out on Fri or Sat nites with my GF's got him pissed, made him feel insecure, made him think I had another man. He moved out....
Now I'm back to the drawing board, I'm not detached, I begged pursued, cried. B/c it was different. I was detached when I knew we were in the same house and knew each others' plans and daily events. Now he's 2 hrs away and my head is spinning and I don't feel in control at all.
Now b/c I backslid all the way to the begging and crying, he's more done with our marriage than he ever was, and I'm not sure anything can fix it at all. He already has his appt set with a L to begin the D. Now I see no hope in sight.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
