She's pro-marriage. W felt a better connnection to her. Ultimately, she ended up saying that my W had to commit that she "wants to want to try to be in this marriage." If she says yes, we'll begin working on what she described as a long rebuilding process that will be very painful and hard. She wasn't sugar coating anything. But she did say that this would be a new M we'd be working on, and that the old one is gone regardless of what we end up doing. W didn't give an answer today because the T didn't ask for one - she told her whenever she was ready she could answer it.
So, I'm just going to lay low and not initiate any R talk, give her space, and try to 180. The thing is, my wife has specifically said in the past that she "wants to want to try". We'll see if she gives the same answer. I think that if we can get into MC with this new T we have a decent shot and making this work.
Leaving this unanswered, to me, isn't trying.
Deciding to work at a marriage is just that -- a DECISION. You don't "try" to make decisions; you MAKE them. You can "try" to get feelings back, "try" to feel romantically connected again, "try" to be more respectful and loving toward your spouse. But answering a question as to whether or not you're ready to make a commitment to "try to be in this marriage," to me anyway, is a DECISION, and leaving it unanswered leaves it as a "no, I'm not" in my book.
Then again, I always sucked at Piecing, so maybe you don't wanna go by me.
Deciding to work at a marriage is just that -- a DECISION. You don't "try" to make decisions; you MAKE them. You can "try" to get feelings back, "try" to feel romantically connected again, "try" to be more respectful and loving toward your spouse. But answering a question as to whether or not you're ready to make a commitment to "try to be in this marriage," to me anyway, is a DECISION, and leaving it unanswered leaves it as a "no, I'm not" in my book.
I wouldn't be here if the Greek wouldn't have told me she was willing to do the work and she was all in. Then I watched her read the books I read and read on DB. She worked on her issues and the concerns I had. It wasn't all fun but her actions matched her words. The commitment to our marriage and me was/is a powerful statement. I think this was a response to her seeing how hard I worked and was fighting for her and our family. I let it be her choice.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Tonight has been pretty uneventful. But, I will say that things are definitely less tense and stressful at home. We've gone a stretch of 4 days now without R talk (except MC) and I can feel the stress level lowering.
I thought more about the "cohabitating" piece. Though I somewhat agree to an extent that is what is happening, I also don't think it's necessarily a bad thing right now with where we are at. We haven't had a stress-less time together in nearly 2 months. Even if we are cohabitating, it doesn't feel like that. We're slowly becoming more comfortable with each other again, she's coming to me for affection, and I'm just DB my butt off and doing the things I should have done for my family a long time ago.
And, I quit smoking cigars. Used to have one or two every day. Haven't had one in 3 days. That's HUGE for my wife. I told her tonight as we were playing cards that it's been pretty tough to quit smoking while at work (stress relief at lunch). We've talked alot about my work lately, how stressful it's been, yada yada, and she's been supportive to me about the stupid stuff going on at work (she LOVES to hear about my work day, i think it makes her feel involved). Anyways, I can't remember how she said it, but the message was, "I'm happy you quit smoking cigars, that's a huge step, but I'm being cautious because it's only been a few days."
Also, I quit biting my nails about a 10 days ago. It's always been a nervous habit of mine, and ADD induced. I can't believe that after nearly 25 years of doing that, I just STOPPED. I decided one day I wasn't going to do that anymore. And, it stopped. Which, by the way, that habit drove my OCD wife INSANE at home. She looked at my hands tonight and said "Wow, I can't believe what a few days has done to your hands, they look great."
I almost brought up R talk tonight but narrowly escaped it. She was staring into space while playing cards at one point and I did the old John stuff, "What's going on?" Nothing, she said, but I could tell something was stressing her. I almost went into "Talk to me, I can tell you're stressed" speech, but stopped myself. Wow, nice to meet you Mr. Willpower.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
We must have been separated at birth, (except for the cigar/smoking stuff). I too bite my nails like crazy, and it's always driven my wife bonkers. I'm trying to stop, but I do it subconsciously.
It sounds like you're doing well! Baby steps, controlling the urge to "fix" her by reading her mind. Good Good Good!
I think that I have decided to take the lead on this sitch with W.
I'm not going to give her an ultimatum, but I will express my feelings as the following:
- I understand (validation) that she is confused now, and that she is trying for this marriage by staying in this home. I appreciate that. - Given all that I have read and understood throughout this sitch independent of personal sitch, I do not believe we can resolve our conflicts without MC help. - Therefore, I will take the lead on this situation, and as long as she wants to stay in this house, that means that she "wants to want this marriage." - If she is going to continue to "try" by staying in this house, which I applaud her for, then it should be productive. MC is the only way that can be productive. - Therefore, she has given an answer already, in fact two months ago to the question that the MC asked in our session on Monday. - MC is required by both of us, not to resolve our differences per say, but to understand them. If we understand them clearly without anger or resentment, it is possible that we can move past them in whatever R we may have. - I will not ask her to make concessions to anything she does not want to do. That is a new rule in our new M, if there is to be one.
After she is in MC with the new T:
- From this day forward, she will have a say in how our M operates, as will I, and they will be equal voices. We will set boundaries, and inform the other of those boundaries. - Again, she will make no concessions, and neither will I. We can make compromises, which give both parties something mutually beneficial to the R, but not concessions, which gives one party something and the other nothing.
I think those are some good thoughts. Anyone?
Last edited by john28; 08/12/1002:02 PM.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
If this is the route you want to go (and I'm still unsure as to whether or not she's really "trying"), then just DO the things you state above . . . don't SAY them.
Men who lead, lead thru ACTION ... not thru WORDS.
