Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

love having this place to put my thoughts. i know how sick of it people in my life can get!

first "vacation" that i have taken the kids on together since he left. strange and good all wrapped up in one.

have gotten to spend good tine with s21. see hurt him that start POST the bomb. x moved us to nc in the middle of his sophmore year of high school... too much to put on here. but it was a very hard transition for him. THEN x bails in the middle of his senior year. just ..well concerned for my son... but i am also a mom who worries too much!

hope everyone is having a good fourth. we are at the beach... and fireworks have been going off this evenning... hmm wonder what tomorrow will be like!!

[TRUSTING]

have a great vacation....

[cagzmom]

feel myself slipping backwards.
t- tried emailing you but my computer is being stupid. actually my email account is! ugh!

anyways- just called my c and left a message. its been a long time since i have done that.

just spent time with him..
he is the same he has always been
he has false guilt/shame/ whatever you call it
he was tearful - as always - depressed as always

my x is the same.. nothing better nothing worse.

and me?? i am still in love with him. yep - no not standing -

feeling low and sad. he doesn't want me - obviously.
yes i feel like a stupid high school girl who wants the guy who doesn't see her.

i loved him -with all of who i am.

i dont want to be with anyone else.
i dont want someone elses baggage -cause we all have it.

i dont see anything today but what i lost - and my future is me and me alone.

that is ok. it just makes me sad. but it is ok.

at least with him i knew what i was getting - i knew teh depression and stuff.

i dont want to deal with someone else who may come in all "hands on deck" and end up being a mess... i dont want baggage. and i dont expect anyone to deal with mine.

i am lonely - i dont want to pour myself out to my friends anymore. it isn't fair to them.

i should be done.


i asked my c about it. i said "this isn't normal is it? me still lving x" he smiled and said.. "well it isn't average." ha.. i am not average.

i just want to look at him and not want him in my life.
i want to say "ok so for better or worse really didn't mean that.."

i just want to stop. but i dont and i cant.

[Upside]

Hi cagz-
I just wanted to let you know that I am there with you going through at least some of the same things.

I'm not sure I have any advice for you however I am finding that distance is good. It helps me keep an even keel and helps me from being sucked back into his drama.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will be fine. Remind yourself that you are a strong, proud woman who know she deserves more than this in life...and who knows what tomorrow will bring but for today you are fine being on your own...if fact, being alone can have some benefits!

(((HUGS)))

[cagzmom]

Thanks UPSIDE. Quite a journey isn't it.

[cagzmom]

i actually need this weekend off..

[cagzmom]

Getting ready for the next phase of my life.

[cagzmom]

strange silence

[cagzmom]

more effects of this stupid thing called divorce!

oh the world says "the kids adjust" i dont know!??! What i do know is selfish people hurt their kids. it doesn't matter if you are married or divorced. SELFISH MOTIVES!!

my son is hurting. i am so freaking angry. but the anger is different then it has been... just need to do what is best for him.

stupid x - doesnt have a clue

[glamgirl]

And he may never get a clue! This is all very confusing and difficult.

I think though it's all very confusing for the MLCer too! The fog will keep them from seeing the truth!