I had the first consultation yesterday for S5's counselor. It was just an intro for the parents. xW decided to be about twenty minutes late showing up.
I was a little annoyed at first that she decided to be tardy, but it turned out to be sort of a good thing in the end. It gave me and the C a chance to speak together without xW's interference. In retrospect I guess I was quite a bit more loquacious with the C than after xW finally arrived -- and I think it was enough that the C noticed.
We had been talking about the interaction between S9 and S5. And I was offering my observations that S5 has been exhibiting behaviors that are likely the result of his frustrations with his older sibling, who has Asperger's. S5 is trying to cope with a very controlling and demanding older brother; and while they do love each other very much, it causes S5 a lot of stress. So he has shown a penchant for alone time, and seems to relish one-on-one time with either of his parents. Time in which S5 gets to be his own person without the heavy often overbearing influence of S9. S9 thinks that he is in complete charge of S5 and his well being, he often fails to understand that his little brother is his own person with his own individual personality.
S5 has learned, through his interactions with S9, to deal with people who violate his personal boundaries by taking forceful actions (pushing, shoving, seeking revenge, etc.) While this usually doesn't bother S9 all that much and there is no diminishment of their love for each other, this is not a constructive remedy for any other situation and is counterproductive for handling social situations outside the home. The behavioral incidents that spurred the observations by S5's Pre-K teachers were the very reason we were seeking C'ing services for him.
I was relating my observations to the C when xW showed up. I gave xW a chance at that point to add to what we had been discussing. Looking back I tried to be magnanimous and to give xW the chance to contribute her own perspectives to describing the issues with our S -- which xW most certainly did. Not unexpectedly, xW attempted to demonstrate her "superior" knowlwedge as a parent and as a lay-expert on Asperger's Syndrome (AS), especially regarding our S's. While much of xW's words confirmed or supported my own statements, some of them were contradictory, and some of xW's assertions were painfully self-serving. I held my tongue and decided it would be counterproductive for me to voice a contrary opinion or to be confrontational. But I realize that I was becoming more and more silent, and the C could obviously note the difference. In fact there was a point where the C made a comment that was subtly directed at me, and I gathered that the C was offering me the opportunity to add some more of my own input. The funny thing is, I thought I was contributing as necessary.
It was then that I realized that I was barely breathing.
In my head I was calm and trying to absorb some of the information xW was offering. She was going on about "consistency" in raising the boys, and how she felt her approach was the one having positive results. She contradicted a number of points I had raised before she had arrived, and took credit for things she most certainly had nothing to do with. I said nothing because it would have merely devolved into a he-said-she-said argument. I didn't think it was worth it given our purpose there was to help S5.
As a result the C suggested that she have separate sessions with the each of us, myself and xW, prior to her seeing S5. She identified that her reason was that she felt she would get a more complete picture from us individually than if we were both present. I nodded my head in agreement, but inside I was enthusiastically in support of separate sessions. I was realizing just how repressed and oppressed I had been feeling with this former spouse around. I look at how I have reacted and now think this is not me -- how did I get here? I have been walking on eggshells for so many years now, that I now feel a sense of freedom when she leaves and I am suddenly away from her. She has become a person who I just do not want to be around anymore.
Driving back from the appointment, it hit me -- I realized that to a large degree I was very much like S5 in our M and xW was more like S9. She always wanted control of the situation -- our family, our finances, our decisions -- everything to do with our MR -- and I was foolish enough to yield so much to her. It was not so healthy a R as I had always assumed. And while I figured out the control-freak nature of xW through the MC's help, I am now figuring out the parallels in the dynamics between our S's and those of the MR.
I can't see the forest for the trees sometimes.
Now, having said that, I am acutely concerned that this dynamic between my S's does not also eventually lead to animosity between them. I can already see that S5 is becoming more and more resistant to having his brother dictate to him. And while some of that is the natural friction between siblings in general, whatever their neurological conditions, I am more sensitive now to the potential problems this may lead to. Fortunately they will never be able to D from each other in that sense, but it has the potential to lead to a similar schism some day when they are older. That would be a terrible shame.
At the same time I am earnestly seeking help and solutions to aid my S's cope with their situations and to help then grow into well-adjusted adults. S5 needs to learn to handle the challenges with which he is faced, including an Aspie for a brother and the rigors of socializing with his peers.
