cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[awest1217]

NM - I am going to keep my last name so it is the same as S's, at least unless I get remarried. I also don't want to go through the hassle of changing it mid school year and changing the mail, bank, Soc, lisence, etc...just too much of a hassle.

Major questions today!!!!!!!

1. H came for S's doc appointment and asked if I would be home tomorrow or Friday. I said tomorrow I would, but Friday not, and he said ok because I am buying a refrigerator for the house. He said that he has the money and knows ours was not the greatest. I said i would have to think about it. ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!! I say if he is going to give me stuff I might as well take it because honestly I am not going to get a dime from him in the D, but on the other hand this isn't his house and I don't want him bringing this us to manipulate me. ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. H hasn't told anyone except his parents and one teacher at school that we are Ding. The funeral and viewing for Aunt are Friday and Saturday. Here is this question, how should I handle everything? No one knows yet so should I not do stuff with the family although we are Ding because a funeral is not the time to bring this up or should I just go and stay away from the family and if anyone asks just let H explain? ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!

About today, H came and everything was ok. I went to have him sign the summons, but he wanted to wait so I said ok. We drove together. He asked if that would be ok a while ago and I said yeah because it will help S with this transition to know that we are still "friends" (more just nice to each other). At the doc, I know H must have felt weird because I did all the talking. Everything was I did this or I do that, etc. H helped with S because he was fussy and showing off for daddy so not very good.

We then got S new shoes and H paid. We stopped by another store so I could pick up some things I needed while we were out there. Then we came back home. H read the papers and signed them. I again asked if this is what he wants and he said he didn't know. I was honest and said this isn't what I want. I want to stay married, but I have to stay strong and focused. I also need to do this to protect myself. I also told him I did this because he lives in a fantasy where we are a family and married, but I live in the reality. To his family and friends, we are still married and he lives here at home. Has not been the case for 16 months. Even today he said that when coworkers ask about me he says I am excited to start a new school year in a new room, but never once says we aren't together. He still is wearing his wedding ring. He is keeping this persona that he is a wonderful husband and father, when he isn't either. I told him that I want to stay married, but he would have to change a lot and talked about something I read from 10 years ago that could fit in our sitch now. I also said I don't know if it is possible with all the time that has passed. He has his life and I have mine and with all the mistrust and everything, can that be fixed? So I was honest. I don't want this divorce and will stand by that fact. I even told my L that, but it is something I have to do. I truly feel this will be the biggest mistake in H's life and he will regret it for forever, but once again he proved to me he won't try. He cries about Ding, but won't tell me he doesn't want this. He just keeps to his "I don't know". It is all so sad to me because I can see how miserable he is. The only thing he does is be with OW or be at work. I am out doing all kinds of things. Oh well...it is the life he chose and that is his problem.

He left and gave me a hug, which I allowed because honestly, one day, we will probably be friends again or more aquaintances, and I give hugs so no big deal. I am not upset or sad, just one of those days.