I have a question that you may choose not to answer, Bob. I have sensed a very subtle edge of anger in some of your posts. Probably has to do with your calling Cindy 'the ex' and X-W (of course, technically she is your ex). Is that anger keeping you from her? Does she sense that?
Just a thought... maybe totally off target...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Morning coffee and time to reflect on more positives.
1. She called last night to just say hi and I think to check on me. It seems that lately every time I am over at her place and start to head home she ask me to call when I get home to let her know I got home safely. Well last night she knew that after work I had to go pick up Grandson from his wrestling practice at school and take him home and last night we had some very bad rain storms, it was a very bad night to be out. When she called she did comment on that and said she was glad I got home ok. 2. We had some nice IM through the day yesterday and when she started to IM right after lunch, I just picked up phone and gave her a call and we talked for about 10 minutes. 3. Her attitude seems a lot better yesterday than Monday and even better last night than yesterday. (These are the times that try men’s souls)
Holding on -
I think you are hitting the nail on the head. She has said from the day she dropped the bomb, that she has wanted to stay friends. Just after the bomb once, when we were talking, she said she was going to be dating after the D and that some of her dates she would ML with, and then she asked if she did that if we could stay friends. She also commented that she wanted to keep parts of our M but wanted to dump parts of it. Last weekend I reminded her of that statement and told her that it had made me feel like she was tearing me into little pieces and just keeping the good parts. She has said since the D that maybe she should have not rushed the divorce but just separated for a time.
Last weekend at the B&B though, when we were talking with the other guest, she and I, both separately and together gave them the impression that we were still married. Later in talking about that, she said that it did not bother her to give them that impression and she and I both admitted that while close family and friends know about the D, when we talk with our other acquaintances who knew we were married, do not mention the D but rather continue to refer to each other as our spouse.
I also think you are right on point with both of us being down the next day after the B&B weekend. It was a lot and real soon but I feel that it was positively a good thing to do. And I agree, patience is the key. And while I have let her initiate most of our contacts since then, I have been kind, loving and supportive. I believe that this has had some part in her feeling more positive yesterday and last night.
Opt -
You are also right on target - I am very angry and hurt that she rushed it and she does knows that. I have not tried to keep that a secrete. However I have been trying to keep that attitude in check. I have told her that while I know she has lots of issues to resolve with me, that I too have some issues that need to be resolved and that I am, however, working on my issues myself, but that neither of us are ready to discuss them until we are both more committed to rebuilding our R. I did tell her, though, that I felt certain that my issues could be and would be resolved, but for now I just wanted her to know of my commitment to us.
I have let her know, however, that I am not a puppet on her string and that while I am committed to working on us and rebuilding our R, that I will not wait forever. She has said that if we do not get back together and each start dating other people, she wants us to always be friends. I have told her, however, that while I would try to stay friends in that situation, being close friends with an ex could really dampen the development of that new relationship, and I would not let a friendship with an ex-wife get in the way of moving on. While we have mentioned this some, it has not been discussed at length. But I do feel that she does need to know that she could loose me, and that might even be completely, even as friends.
Well this post has taken awhile to compose and I really want to say more but it is late and I have to get to work so I had better go for now.
I got to work and when getting ready for court she initiated IM this morning - just chit chat but I am noticing that she usually does initiate alot of them.
Also I remembered something from Sunday night after we got back to her house from the B&B. She was showing me some places in her hall where her kids had hit the wall and made some dents and where the nail heads were raised some and was asking me how to fix them and that she was going to try but that if she got into some trouble she would call me to bail her out. (before our M, she helped me fix my basement. We insulated, hung drywall, did the mud and tape thing and painted. So she really knows how to do what she asked) Don't know if she is saying she is now on her own and can do home repairs herself or what? Maybe she was just making conversation?
basically just to keep on with what works. (if it isn't broke then don't fix it) be patient, give her her space as she needs it. Just general DBing stuff.
But the telephone coaching does really give me encouragement. I do not believe I could have done what I have without Laurie and my friends here on the BB. (And like Deb, I also do have a silent partner)
positives - she initiated IM yesterday morning - only chitchat and I had to leave for court so only brief contact, and by the time I got back to the office she was out of her office seeing clients so no more IM. No phone call last night either. I did not call her so she could have her space - Did do a phone consult with Laurie and it seems that a letdown after a big positive is very common and it my sit it seems that every positive has been followed by a down swing. Usually the next positive was even better so my next positive is to look forward to my next upswing. It should be great. in the meantime I will just DB my heart out.
Odga Your doing a great job. It has always been my experience that a letdown always followed something nice. My problem is that I never understood this until recently. So for the past 2 months I have DB'ed my butt off with my ExW. There have been some good things to happen. She asked me to go to Tunica to the casinos, she initiated this, she asked me over for Thanksgiving dinner with son. I wish she would show some affection like she did in June and July, but that is when my jealousy and expectations where running high. So in a nutshell you and I both are really trying to build new R's with our ex's. Its a long row to hoe, but it will be worth it in the end.
I just had a very big positive - Cindy just sent an IM that simply said "Hi" I was not at my computer and missed it for about 30 minutes but did respond that I was sorry I was away and did not respond right away. She replied that she said it like she use to.
When I first met her she had a way of saying "HI" or "Hi-There" that just made any one that heard it bubble with joy. one of my goals was for her to say Hi that way again. Well in the chit chat that followed she asked me out to dinner.
So tonight it will be one of her favorites "Wings" at Zaxbys near my apt. - --==-- she is driving over to my place. WOW - She said she actually feels more human again. (she has been sick with slight fever and sore throat for almost 2 months)
