Yep...reminding of them of better days is like calling them a liar at this point...and it feels like controling to them too.
I know the NC is very hard...my H went dark on me and the family (mind you our son was only 9 when he left)for upto 5 months at a time...no replies, no texts, no phone calls...even missed son's first school play!
From what my H has shared with me he was not happy when he was gone but he was trying desperately to "heal" himself...of course now he knows he was going about it in the wrong way (OW, alcohol, night clubs, wrong crowd)...but never the less he felt he was doing what he needed to find happiness...and from my point of view now there was no way he could let me know he wasn't happy because that would mean he was failing, that I wasn't the problem, and he wasn't going to conceded defeat...he had to be right!
Also, the letter I posted was for us...because to send it to a WAS would just add fuel to the fire, again, they don't want to be reminded that they might be making a HUGE mistake. I went through health issues, even faced a possible surgery and was scared to death...I begged H to be with me, to help me through it...he was cold as ice and told me that I had friends or my family!
Again, their actions and the appearance of happiness really mean nothing in trying to determine the future...I had no HINT of anything changing until just a few weeks before it changed...
You may see a window, like I did...H was down for a visit and decided to go to my neighborhood watch meeting...now mind you by this time I no longer "needed" him...he could see that...we were walking to meeting and just talking...he seemed more himself then he had in a long time...so I asked him if he ever "thought about us"...he said, "sometimes"...this was HUGE, before he would even say he tried NOT to think about us because it was all bad!...now mind you, this is not where the picture just turns around and everything comes into focus and we live happily ever after...if you thought the departure was hard...GAL...180's...changes...hold on to your boot straps cause the ride gets really rough when you actually start trying to work things out...it took along time for H to really start thinking like himself again...I walked on eggshells a lot...but I did have boundries and I did stand up for myself...at one point I even told H to leave because he wasn't working with me the way I thought...to my suprise he said, "NO"...it was hard...it was over a year without an "I love you"...it was making sacrafices but making sure that I didn't allow myself to be consumed by his every need and want...I made sure I kept my own life on track...did things I wanted that didn't include him...it was important that I continued with my own self-healing journey...
I know this may not be you wanted to hear...it is hard, I won't lie about that...but is it worth it?...YOU BETCHA it is!!!
