Lead your family in everything. Don't let her control situations, don't act on your emotions.
Taking back your bed was a very big first step, and I'm proud of you. It's really easy to avoid conflict during your sitch; but conflict is going to be there no matter what. Now it's all about acting calm, confident, and respecting yourself.
So you say this: W, I will not live in an open M. I will not tolerate your involvement w/AM. I am committed to this family and our child. If you wish to S/D, then you are free to go. In the interim, I am not going to leave my marital bed, as I am not the one choosing to leave this M. You are welcome to sleep alongside me, or if you feel uncomfortable w/that, you may sleep on the couch. Excuse me, I am tired and retiring for the night. Good night.
BINGO.
Ranger, you've got to LOSE THE FEAR. Until you do that, you'll never even get to Step One.
I just received an apology text from the W for her ouburst last night. She realized that she told me to take care of myself and getting enough sleep is a big part of that. I want to answer her but I won't.
Just going to be confident, assertive and lead my family, a complete 180 for me.
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
If you do nothing, you're going to lose them anyway. It's just going to take longer. She's trying to intimidate you right now, and it's working.
That being said, back to Step 1...
Move back into your bed.
She won't have it? You won't have a W that goes outside the M to cheat with another man. (See, you can do it, too...)
She doesn't like it, she can sleep somewhere else. You need to start DB'ing somewhere... start here.
If you back down now, you're just going to have a harder time regaining her respect later.
Ranger, this is perfect advice. ^
Look, you don't know me. Before I was Puppy Dog Tails, I was Chocolateeyes, and I've been on these forums for almost 7 years and almost 20,000 posts. During that time I've studied literally THOUSANDS of affairs.
You are making CLASSIC MISTAKES here, and making excuses for the good advice you are getting from both veterans and newer folks alike. You can do what you want -- it's obviously your sitch, your marriage, and your life -- but your way will NOT work, and you WILL regret that you took such a passive, fearful, doormat approach.
I just received an apology text from the W for her ouburst last night. She realized that she told me to take care of myself and getting enough sleep is a big part of that. I want to answer her but I won't.
Just going to be confident, assertive and lead my family, a complete 180 for me.
See? W apologized. That is a step in the right direction.
Your W lacks respect for you right now. This small victory is the first step in gaining back her respect.
Wife tried to intimidate you, you stood firm and W backed down. Keep up the good work.
It's hard, I know, but you can do it!
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Although it may go against what your feeling, listen to the advice given.
Post here with any important decisions.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I will set the boundry about our sleeping arrangements tonight. I will be sleeping in OUR bed and if she so chooses she can sleep there to. It's her choice.
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
What a day yesterday was. We won a 3.5 million dollar contract at work. Ignored all texts from the W except 1 pertaining to the kids. Vounteered to be a referee at the local church hockey league (I will coach when my kids are old enought to play). Went home and celebrated my brother's birthday with pizza and cake (The W was sleeping). Then gave the kids baths and hung out on the couch until they fell asleep in my arms.
Then this morning came and the W looked pissed. She started talking about the past and our current R and trying to get my blood going. I calmly but assertively told her that the past is the past and there is nothing I could do about it. I'm just concentrating on the future and that's all I can do. I did tell her that this is not what I want but I don't want to be in the same marriage we had. I realized I was just as unhappy as she was. I told her we deserve to have better lives. She agreed and hinted she doedn't want this either. How do I take that?
I ended the conversation and left for work. We do have plans to go to dinner and then to the local carnival tonight which is always a great time.
All in all I'm starting to feel better about myself. I have lost close to 30 pounds since the new year and am almost down to my married weight of 155.
I am also realizing that I never really processed my mother dying. Even though I was putting on a brave face in front of my family it was killing me inside and therfore affecting the family. I need to get these feelings out and will be a major focus in therapy.
I did slip up though. After I put the kids to bed I took a sleeping pill and sat on the couch to watch the baseball game and fell asleep. I've been so exhausted from the lack of sleep the last couple of nights that I didn't move until I woke up this morning. I know I should have went straight to the bed.
And from what I can tell there has been no contact with EA for 36 hours.
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
