Well, my self esteem is doing pretty well. Everyone keeps telling me I deserve so much more than H and I know they're right. I have even noticed some cute guys at the gym lately, and since I lost my wedding ring (really, I did, 2 weeks ago, funny coincidence ) I guess maybe I'm getting noticed too. Actually, I got propositioned at a bar a couple weeks ago, but since the guy was married ("we have an open R" he says - and he's got a toddler and one on the way, can you believe that? ewwww. He showed me pics of his daughter for God's sake, what is WRONG with people? I guess only some of us take this M commitment seriously?), I politely declined. Not interested in flings at this point- or maybe I am, less messy! ;-)
Why I hung on as long as I have to this M, I don't know. I guess mostly for my D3. To tell the truth, I've been unhappy as long or longer than H, thought about how it would be to be a single mom (b/c that's what it was like anyway, since I did almost everything myself) after D was born, etc. It tore me up but I pictured this coming years ago, and it being my (regretful) choice, not his. I have questioned our M almost ever since we got married and though I think we could've made it work if both of us were committed, willing to take responsibility and do the hard work that M is, maybe this is for the best.
Our last couple's therapist told me privately that she and her partner, who both saw us, observed that H was basically nowhere NEAR me in emotional sophistication, introspection, etc.- I think that's what some people have wondered about us all along, how 2 such different people could be together- and they (the therapists- and they weren't trying to convince me to pursue a D, they were honestly stumped) couldn't understand why I was with him. They asked me and I couldn't find much to say except I loved him and he was a decent guy. I used to defend him to friends and family, saying we had intelligent talks, etc. and how smart he was, but at his core, he's still about 15, and that hasn't changed with marriage or becoming a dad. It's really sad. Plus, he's ALWAYS the victim in everything- work, personal life, M, $ issues, etc. So, basically, I don't know why I've been upset over this. I guess no one likes feeling dumped, but part of me kind of emotionally gave up on him awhile back, maybe I just couldn't admit it b/c I wanted to try to still work on things. I don't like to give up, either, especially not on a commitment I took very seriously, although I guess he didn't.
I mostly have concerns about D3 at this point. H has not even considered her in all of this, he's being very selfish. I haven't heard him bring her or her well-being up once since this all started. About custody he just says "oh, we'll figure something out." But is emphatic about wanting 50/50 time, even though unless I ask him to watch her b/c I have something to do, he's just doing whatever he feels like, which isn't being with her- playing his computer games for hours on end, etc. He won't even give her a bath unless I ask and then when I do, his first response is: "didn't she just have one?" He won't go see someone with me to help with co-parenting, so I will go alone to get advice and guidance on how to get D through this. Just like I'll read the books alone and do the work alone... again. I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm disappointed- thought he was better than that. I just hope he can be a better dad to D and put her first sometime soon so she doesn't feel like she's not worth it. I will just have to be twice the parent he is to make up for it, I guess. I know there are some of you dads out there who would like to have more time with your kids, so that makes it even worse- she deserves one like that.
Some of the dads here are amazing- really, guys, my hat is off to you and how you put your kids first and care so much about them. My dad wasn't like that, neither was H's dad, and apparently, his D doesn't come first with him, either. But that is how all of us should be, man or woman.
I had a very interesting experience this past week. My BFF and her H, who were unable to have kids on their own and have been foster parents for over a year now, finally got to legally adopt their son. I was lucky enough to be there in court as they took their oath. I didn't know you took an oath (but foster/adoptive parents are held to a MUCH higher standard across the board than the rest of us), but you do. It was beautiful, I wish I had the wording, I would post it. It was basically a lifelong, sworn commitment before the judge, family, friends and the world to take care of this little human being, always put him first, respect him, set a good example for him, take seriously the burden and privilege of guiding and raising him, etc. Everyone who is a new parent should have to make this promise before they let you go home from the hospital! It makes me so sad that H doesn't have this level of commitment to his D. I know he loves her, but it's not the same. If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, she'd be taken care of, but as long as I'm around and he doesn't have to parent 100% of the time, he doesn't.
Sigh. Well, I hope my love and caring is enough for her. I don't have any male relatives to be role models for her, just H. I hope it's enough.
) I guess maybe I'm getting noticed too. Actually, I got propositioned at a bar a couple weeks ago, but since the guy was married ("we have an open R" he says - and he's got a toddler and one on the way, can you believe that? ewwww. He showed me pics of his daughter for God's sake, what is WRONG with people? I guess only some of us take this M commitment seriously?), I politely declined. Not interested in flings at this point- or maybe I am, less messy! ;-)
