I'm curious as to others opinions as what to do. It appears as of lately my WAW is at a stage where she's trying to convince/reassure herself she's made the right decision of leaving. I had plans to try to see if I could get out of this grey stage( only communication is about bills) but after starting to sense that, would this be a good time to try, or continue to wait and hope she'll make the first move? I mainly ask because As it stands I feel I'm getting further away caring if we recoincile or not but if we have a chance I really don't want to screw it up, if that makes sense. Don't remember exactly who's said it first but definetly understanding " why would you want to be with someone when they don't want to be with you"
Sorry you are here Joeli. This is not a good place to be, but it CAN help you. These boards have helped me tremendously.
I'm still fairly new here, but from what I have learned, I would say that you need to wait. many times it is only after the point that you don't really care anymore that any progress is made. I have seen too many guys try to reconnect, even in the slightest way, only to get rebuffed. It happened to me many times and my wife filed for D anyway.
I think I may FINALLY be to the point where I really DO NOT care anymore. Only then will there be any chance, IF ANY exists at all. You can wait for someone else tomorrow morning, but that is my 2 cents.
By trying to convince herself that what she is doing is right, she is showing you that she is not really sure of it. If you leave her with her thoughts on this, she may decide she isn't right. If you pursue her AT ALL, you will just reinforce thefact that she has to GET AWAY from you. Just stand back and let her run with her own feelings andher own conscience. Nothing you can say or do at this point will sway her. This is a decision she has to make for herself. Let her struggle with it and wait for her to talk about the R FIRST. You should not bring it up.
I know that this is almost impossible to do. For me, it actually WAS impossible. My W told me not to do all of the things that I was doing. She was actually TELLING ME to DB her, but I couldn't help myself. I was distraught. Be stronger than I was and don't make the same mistakes.
Joeli, I don't have a lot of time this morning but I want to say this to you. I don't know how long you have been without work, but I believe it places a stress factor in the M when the W is working and the H doesn't seem concerned about the bills (as you said you use to be). When she came home and saw you be a man of leisure, it problably planted a seed of resentment (even if she never let on about it). At some point, she begins to feel that you have stepped down as the leader & protector of the family and she must fill that spot. So, she did--but not without a price. Now, she feels more like your mother instead of your W.
Now here's the thing--when she told you she wanted a divorce and you seem to go along with how she felt, etc. The 180's were good but where you tried to open up conversation and do those emotional things that she once craved and needed from you...now seems to make you appear more weak than strong.
You really messed up over the ring thing. She wants a divorce, man. You except her to keep wearing a wedding ring after she declares the M to be over? Get over the ring.
You cannot change her mind by talking about the R. It drives her farther away. Your actions is the only thing that will make a difference.
As weird as it sounds, you have to stop thinking of her as your W and treat her as if she was your cousin.
You've got to work out two different bank accounts so that you don't have to run to her with every cent you need.
Has she moved in with her Mother or is she going to stay with you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, I've actually always had work, for a time it was day labor but your points are something I do completely agree with. For reasons you listed and how I communicated with her she lost the roll of wife and felt she was a mother. Money wise for me has been not caring if I have it or not(as long as the bills get paid I had no interest), but I understand that it showed me as being financially unstable and irresponsible.
I really am over the ring issue, that really was a blessing in disguise. I came to realize its not the fact she decided to not wear it, as it was the fact of how she responded to me and how belittling and stupid she was making me feel which provoked my reactions. However, had that not happened I really don't know if I'd be where I am emotionally and mentally in my life.
We do have different accounts, just how the bills were split( her decision to be fair to me since she's getting an almost free ride) Confirmation numbers on the lease and mortgage are mainly all we discuss. This helped tremendously from being so dependent on her.
Yes, she has been at her Mothers since June. While I understand she's no longer my wife, I really don't want the "old" wife back without change from her as well. If she stays the same I honestly feel I wouldn't want to try getting back together, I don't know if that's understandable or worded right. I'd like to see if something could transpire from us one day but I want to find out slowly and correctly.
I wasn't debating coming out of gray for a "r" talk. I was debating coming out to actually try to have general conversations and going from their. I don't want to appear to be pursuing which was why I came here for more insight instead of going blindly. Theirs people who've worn her shoes and others that can see things from a better angle than me and provide different ideas than those I have. If it appears that me trying to start communication would be pursuing for her at this time then I'd agree to stay gray. I do feel though their has to be a really fine line between her feeling pursued and me doing the same old(not communicating).
Well my update, After last weekend and my wifes childish same old behavior, and me telling her she hasn't been my wife in months( incident with her car and me deciding I would give her a number to a mechanic and not fix it myself) I decided it was time to listen to her and grant her wish. I informed her I was filing and before I did I'd like to discuss the things she'd like so I can make this cheap and as easy for the both of us. Did that open one hell of a can of worms, when I laid out all the details of how this and that could be handled all I got was Attitude from her. I Informed her that if she couldn't listen to my thoughts an ideas and respect them I'd be forced to do it through an attorney. Apperently she thought it was as simple as signing one paper and everything magically disappeared. Even though I don't want a divorce I know I won't be happy with who she's become and the things she doesn't want to change so I'm making the choice of giving her a divorce and hope shell be happy with it as I know I will be fine