New here but learning slowly. Advice appreciated

[braveheart]

Sorry to hijack, Glam. did you ever get a divorce?

[Albuquerque]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I think you're probably right. No point in going down that road. It's his lie not mine. If asked, I'll say I know. But otherwise, it's in his ball court. The NC is not possible since he's still quite involved with D13. Not nearly as much as he was and he has been forgetful about some of her events, but that's MLC for you. In fact, he's been watching her for the last few days while I'm away working out of town. Unlike many that I read about in MLC, he's always been good with D and has been cordial/nice to me. Sure he ripped my heart out initially and described all my faults while simultaneously saying he knew the problem was him not me...but you still have too many faults etc etc. Other than a blowout yelling argument we had prior to my realizing him MLC and reading DB, we've never argued and he's never been anything but nice and cordial. I'm thankful for that.
Just finished an odd conversation with him too. He'd texted me and asked me to call him when I had time to discuss some stuff. I took my time, ate dinner, got comfortable, and THEN called. We're prepping a house we own for new renters and he was planning on going down tomorrow to work on it. Since I've been doing most of the work, he wanted to get the run down on what remained. I kept it on topic and went over what was needed. I briefly asked about D13 but felt that was still on topic. He asked me how it was going for me and I was vague and said it was all good. Going by DB rules, I determined that all the information necessary had been transferred and wished him a good day tomorrow. He told me he'd probably text or call with questions and I said that was fine. Then when I was exiting the call and actually had said, I'll talk to you tomorrow, he asks me to call him later tonight if I'm not doing anything. I was so stunned by the request that I just blurted out, yeah sure I will.
So that was really weird. It's 830pm my time and I won't be busy later so I'll probably call him back in a few hours since I said I would. I know he was there with D13 and he probably wanted more privacy. Whatever the reason may be, I'm sure it won't be good. Perhaps splitting finances, perhaps confessing OW, something worse? I was planning on enjoying my evening reading, now I've got my stomach in knots. I'm still working on detachment. Gotta work hard in the next few hours. Detach detach.. detach...Where's that book......

[Albuquerque]

Well I guess that was a false alarm. I could've sworn he said "call me". So I texted him before I was going to bed and said "Did you want me to call you?" He texted back and said "Call Emmy" (our D). So maybe he DID say "call Emmy" later. But I'm not sure. Seems kind of weird. Seems like if he wanted me to talk to D, he could have given her the phone after our first conversation.
Ah well. That was a good practice for detaching. Managed to read and enjoy my evening without it worrying me too much after all. Woke up to find several emails from him. One concerned the rental house and his modified plans to go up there. The second was just him sharing a weird conversation he had with his sister. I guess OW doesn't have enough history to understand his issues with his "admittedly weird" family.

[LanceSijan]

He probably did say call him back, but by the time you called he forgot that he said it. Confusion = MLC.
The mask that he is wearing right now is not letting you see his pain. He can put on a happy face and you think that all is wonderful in his fantasy land.

You must keep living your life and let him realize that you are not the cause of his pain.

The second e-mail shows you that he still "needs" you.
Continue to validate and detach.

Just another day in the neighborhood of MLC.

[Albuquerque]

So just got an email from H about going forward with "legal separation". I'm not sure whether he means "legal separation" or D since he hasn't ever once uttered the D word. But since he talks about not wanting to fight over stuff, that sounds more like D to me. He tells me that legalzoom has a packet and stuff. Not sure quite how to respond to that. I will not be moving one step forward on that front and will leave it to him.
He also mentioned again the need to formalize the finances. I agree with him there. He's kind of been transferring what he can over to our joint account and I do agree that should be formalized. I'll be going through finances and figuring out what should work on that front.
But the separation thing is admittedly upsetting although not surprising. He's been cordial and friendly but firm minded about not looking back. Maybe this is what he was ACTUALLY wanting to talk about on the phone and then chickened out or something. Frankly I'm a little surprised by my emotions. My heart did a flip when I read it and crying crossed my mind, but I haven't. I know this is not about me or my failures. It just saddens me for my daughter's sake. I suppose in response, I'll just say, "do what you need to do". How does that sound?

[punkin]

Alb,

It sounds heart wrenching and sad, but probably exactly what you need to do. As you'll hear over and over on these boards, You didn't break him, You can't fix him. I notice you say OW probably. Guilt, even over a one night stand, often drives our H's over the edge. They decide the D was coming and what they did had nothing to do with it.

In fact, you probably drove him to it. Yes! That's it! It's all her fault!

He has to work through all these emotions, and believe me, pointing them out to him is a no no.

You try to keep your mind on you and your daughter. Keep going foward for the two of you. Easier said than done, God I know, but it's the most effective way for you to get through this.


(((HUGS)))

[Albuquerque]

Journaling

So I emailed H back. He had many points on his email, some about R stuff (like separating) and then some neutral stuff about D. I answered all his points in a calm way and did say "do what you need to do" about the separation stuff. I've been a little surprised (disturbed) about my ability to detach from it all. I manged to work the rest of the day without dwelling on it too much. I finally returned back from out of town last night and met H and D at our home. I was chipper and friendly and acted as if it were just another day. He didn't mention the email at all and hung around and chatted a bit about a bunch of stuff. As usual, I did more listening than anything else. Asked a few questions as it pertained to what he was saying but offered up nothing about myself, my last few days away etc.
Today he and D drove up to rental house to do some painting. He texted me numerous times and I ended up needing to call him a few times about problems they were having. I could sense that he was becoming very frustrated with the whole thing and at one point, he kind of insinuated that I could have solved some of the problems had I made some different decisions with the house (not necessarily incorrect). The normal me would have gotten huffy and responded accordingly. Instead, I was calm and just suggested he come back to town and I would take care of the problems over the weekend (which would require cancelling some of my previously made plans). You see, we have the renters moving in next Monday so everything HAS to be done this week.

When he arrived home, he seemed in better spirits. He HAS been taking on a lot with my D the last few days I've been gone while juggling his work and trying to get the rental house in order. I told him so and said I'd take care of stuff over the weekend. Especially (and I knew what I was ACTUALLY saying) since I knew he'd be flying out of town at the end of the week and knew that would make him even more behind on work stuff. See, I know he's got OW and I know she lives out of town. He's flying out Thursday. And while he will be doing some legitimate contract work, I know that's not the main point of his visit. So basically I'll be giving up my weekend to finish up stuff he couldn't finish and can't help with since I know he'll be going up to visit secret OW. I could kind of tell that my logic was disturbing him but he couldn't say anything since he doesn't know I know about OW. Does this even make sense to anyone? Sometimes I feel like I'm playing such ridiculous games. And more and more, I find myself viewing H as a science experiment more than anything. Not that I'm EXPERIMENTING necessarily but that I'm finding his symptoms and MLC so intriguing. That they can all act the same way despite coming from such varied backgrounds and marriages is just fascinating. Disturbing and painful. But fascinating.

[irishblessings]

You make perfect sense. However, I think (as I've been told a million times on this board) that you are concentrating too much on him and not enough on you. You still find yourself "flinching" - which is completely understandable - but not desirable for you to get on with the business of YOU.

I know how crazy it is that you'll be tending to the work at home while he's off doing his MLC thing / but as hard as this is - it's really not about what he is doing - he moved out - he has the issue - it's not about you.

I've also been told - and it seems like you are recognizing this too - you have to own up to the things that "sting" you / what he says that hits a little too close to home. Take this time to figure through these things. Definitely disturbing, definitely painful - me, I'm not so fascinated by this - I'm more taken aback with the complete lack of moral grounding that accompanies MLC. I never knew...

[Albuquerque]

IB

Thanks for your good advice. I never knew about this either. But the more I learn, the more I find a morbid fascination about it. Not in an awe inspiring way (don't get me wrong). Just that what we LBS view as so bizarre and unexpected is, in essence, fairly well defined and predictable. As a result, I've gotten some great advice from reading this board and from books. I keep repeating to myself "believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does". That's hard to do since he's previously been my best friend and confidante and I had mostly complete trust in him. But when I stand back and look at his behavior lately, the advice rings true. He says a lot of things that I KNOW are either not true, or he says he'll do things that he doesn't do. Learning to make that my expectations helps prevent me from being disappointed.
The detaching is hard. I DO still think too much about him. Trying to get over that but it's hard. IB, both you and I have been at this for about the same time and I think we've both made strides. Unfortunately, in MLC time, we're still babies and have a long journey ahead. May we stay strong together.

[punkin]

Alb -

You are doing great. I know how hard it is in the beginning to sort through all your feelings and index. I can look back now, like most LBS' and see that it started way before his actually walking out the door. I was as self-deluded as he is now.

Makes you think there should be a mental institution where MLC patients go to wait this out without harming themselves or their families.