Irish..that's a good question..I have also wondered about this. Just from what I've read and been thru with my own sitch..I think that what you do and how you do it depends on the personality of both you and your spouse (you know him better than anyone on the planet and vice versa..and your particular sitch (ie:if there are kids involved, houses to sell, etc) ..and which stage of MLC your spouse is in. I think different techniques work for different people, different situations and different stages. So you have to try different things. The unfortunate thing is that you could try something that will just blow the whole thing into smithereens and it's harder to get back on track if you do that. Which is why I spent so long flailing around, afraid to do anything--cuz it might be the wrong thing. Which is why everyone recommends detaching and not worrying about it so much. If you can figure out how to hone in on your own stuff, and not worry about his..then that occupies your time and you won't be thinking about him so much. And no matter what happens, you will come out ahead because you will be a healthier, happier person cuz you've changed some of the stuff you didn't like about yourself. God, it took me a LONG time to see that and really believe it. And even now I slip back sometimes. I've read too, about "dropping the rope". You can only do that (IMO) when you know in your heart that you will be ok alone..no matter how scary that will be. We all get to that place in our own time..but you'll know it when you get there. And being there doesn't mean that you don't still love them and wish for it to work out..you just realize that nothing you can do will make it happen and that the only person you can change is you. I can't tell you how many times people told me this and I just didn't "get"it. And I really tried to do what they were suggesting. I started to think ahead to what I would do if we divorced. How would I live, where would I go, specifics. I started packing boxes, and preparing for the worst case scenario. I talked to a lawyer so I knew what I needed to do legally. All those things made me feel more confident and less desperate. And when I felt more confident, I also wasn't as afraid. Notice I said AS afraid..cuz I'm still afraid.
I was never able to go NC. I mean, when he moved out for those 3 months, there were times when we had NC for about a week..then I'd send him a text and say Goodnight or something..just to feel like I was connected to him in some way. And like you, I spent lots of time and energy thinking about him, the way we were, how I could fix it, how much I missed him and "us". Actually I spent almost ALL of my time and energy doing that. And it just made it all worse for me..and made me look and feel pathetic. And who would be attracted to that..who would want to come back to someone who was clingy, weepy, desperate, sad..in panic mode?
No, Irish..I know you don't want him to see you like that..and you don't want to be like that either. When you WANT something so darn bad, it makes you do some crazy things. I guess the key is to shift the want to something else for awhile just to give yourself a break if nothing else..and in doing that, you will see that it actually is better for everyone anyway. Shift the WANT..to you..but be prepared..because when you do that, you might all of a sudden realize that you want more than he can offer. And that's a whole nother ball game!!
Thanks Taylor. You sound like you have really made a turn.
I've chosen NC right now because I have to heal. Every distorted statement or piece of revised history that H is clinging to is too hurtful. We were not a "closet" family - in other words, for the most part, what you saw was what was real. I understand that he has been hurting for a while. I still can't quite figure out where he is in the process or when it started - I just know that he has heaped all of his unhappiness on me. I wasn't what he wanted, needed, etc. Then I'll pull out this beautiful card he gave me 2 weeks before he left and it reminds me of what is possibly buried somewhere in his heart. That makes me back away and pray that the love he expressed then is looming in the background and I need to be patient and become a stronger individual so that if that love ever returns there might possibly be a better future. I know that sounds sappy and overly optimistic ~ but I figure if he doesn't return I'll still be in a better place when it is all said and done. So for me, NC is the best place to be today.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I admire your resolve..I tried to do NC too. My IC actually told me to text or email him at least once a week just to say hi or that I was thinking of him..to stay connected. I didn't think about healing then..I just was thinking of how to remind him that I was still on this earth. I thought if I raised my hand once in a while and said "it's me..still here", he wouldn't forget about me while he was off banging the OW. I'm still not sure what has worked for me or worked against me..I was shooting off behaviors like firecrackers. I will say, when he's traveling for work, I can breathe easier cuz I don't feel like I have to always be "on". That's gotten better since I let go a little, tho. I am more comfortable when he's around..more like we used to be.
If you think about this logically..and you are logical..I can tell by what you say in your posts..a rational, healthy happy person does not wake up one day and decide that you are the cause of all of his problems. That's just kooky. My H said all those things to me too..and more..some of them were really really hurtful, cutting critisisms. He told me that he never really ever wanted to marry me. So that wonderful day is forever tarnished in my mind now. I'll never think of it the same. He told me the OW was alot like me. Yuck. I know that when someone is doing something that they know is wrong..they will come up with reasons to justify why they are doing it. They will look at all the negative stuff and forget all the positive stuff. Maybe it would help to keep reminding him of all the positive stuff..in a loving way. One of the things our first C did was to tell us to go home and look at old pictures of us together, videos, home movies, cards,letters, etc. We did and it was nice..it didn't pull him out of his fog, but it did help him to remember that I wasn't the awful person he was trying to make himself believe I was. I sent him texts of good memories..and they were long and descriptive. I don't know if he read them all, but he must have read some, cause he commented on them. Remember the time we...and then we laughed so hard..or the time that we...that was such a wonderful moment..etc.
You know in your heart that he is thinking of you. It sounds like he has detached emotionally from you and that's why he's able to act the way he is. The key is to figure out if they can get back that emotional attachment. NC lets them miss you and start thinking about what they're doing. My H told me that when we hadn't talked for a week or so, he started to miss me and wanted to call me or come home. Trouble is, I couldn't let it go long enough for him to get there on his own..I always tried to "help" him miss me. So it actually ended up taking longer than it should have if I would've just left him alone in the first place. It's hard, isn't it?
As I've said before, NC is the way to go, but right now, my H won't leave me the Hell alone. l, I don't know if you've read the 180 yet, but trying to remind him of little things and fond memories is a definite NoNo. I've given my H no help to miss me, and he's done a damn fine job of not showing he has, at all. Oh, well
Yes it's hard. I still romanticize that he is with a beauty queen ~ with money ~ and they are always happy and having fun. That I am not enough - but then I remember the love, support and acceptance I have given him over the years. The smiles I have brought to his face - daily - laughs I've provided. True love that I guarantee no one else could provide him. For that, I am proud.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Yep...reminding of them of better days is like calling them a liar at this point...and it feels like controling to them too.
I know the NC is very hard...my H went dark on me and the family (mind you our son was only 9 when he left)for upto 5 months at a time...no replies, no texts, no phone calls...even missed son's first school play!
From what my H has shared with me he was not happy when he was gone but he was trying desperately to "heal" himself...of course now he knows he was going about it in the wrong way (OW, alcohol, night clubs, wrong crowd)...but never the less he felt he was doing what he needed to find happiness...and from my point of view now there was no way he could let me know he wasn't happy because that would mean he was failing, that I wasn't the problem, and he wasn't going to conceded defeat...he had to be right!
Also, the letter I posted was for us...because to send it to a WAS would just add fuel to the fire, again, they don't want to be reminded that they might be making a HUGE mistake. I went through health issues, even faced a possible surgery and was scared to death...I begged H to be with me, to help me through it...he was cold as ice and told me that I had friends or my family!
Again, their actions and the appearance of happiness really mean nothing in trying to determine the future...I had no HINT of anything changing until just a few weeks before it changed...
You may see a window, like I did...H was down for a visit and decided to go to my neighborhood watch meeting...now mind you by this time I no longer "needed" him...he could see that...we were walking to meeting and just talking...he seemed more himself then he had in a long time...so I asked him if he ever "thought about us"...he said, "sometimes"...this was HUGE, before he would even say he tried NOT to think about us because it was all bad!...now mind you, this is not where the picture just turns around and everything comes into focus and we live happily ever after...if you thought the departure was hard...GAL...180's...changes...hold on to your boot straps cause the ride gets really rough when you actually start trying to work things out...it took along time for H to really start thinking like himself again...I walked on eggshells a lot...but I did have boundries and I did stand up for myself...at one point I even told H to leave because he wasn't working with me the way I thought...to my suprise he said, "NO"...it was hard...it was over a year without an "I love you"...it was making sacrafices but making sure that I didn't allow myself to be consumed by his every need and want...I made sure I kept my own life on track...did things I wanted that didn't include him...it was important that I continued with my own self-healing journey...
I know this may not be you wanted to hear...it is hard, I won't lie about that...but is it worth it?...YOU BETCHA it is!!!
