Hey Cat, thanks for your response. You are right in many ways..and wrong in some others. Which is perfectly understandable because no matter how much I type here, it's not the same as seeing the whole picture unfold by being here in real life. There just isn't enough time in the day to explain all of my thoughts and actions..or his or the MCs. You have only what I type to try to understand. Sometimes when I write here, it's just rambling..a way to dump the overwhelming thoughts running around my head. Other times it's to get opinions about what to do. As far as I can tell, everyone does that here. It's hard to know which is which...am I rambling..or am I stuck and asking for help? I've found myself having reactions to other people's threads where I can see that what they are doing might be detrimental or destructive to them and their M. I understand how you (me, anyone) come to conclusions based on what someone has typed out.
The other thing is..that situations and feelings seem to change from day to day with all of this. So, maybe last week I was floundering around without a clear objective, and since then I have been able to sort thru some if it to see myself and my sitch in a different light. The more I read and talk to people, the stronger I become. Of course this is a process..of course there are days when I will take more steps backwards than I do forward.. of course I will grow and by doing so, learn and become a different person.
I've come to some conclusions too..there are alot of things I need to work on in regards to myself. Some were pointed out by my H, some by you guys, some by my IC, some by my kids and close friends/family, and some I just figured out by myself. I have begun researching to learn more about how I can change those things I don't like about myself. Internet, books, and talking to people who know, and who know me. I read a book when this all started called.."My husband's affair was the best thing that ever happened to me". And I now believe that too. It sucks, and it hurts, and I wish I could have learned these things in a different way..but I've accepted that this is the way I'm going to learn them..and have begun the process of change.
Yes, control is an issue for me..something I plan to address with this new MC. And also abandonment anxiety and where that comes from. You guys have no way of knowing my family history and it's too long to type out. But just know that I'm aware of it and am dealing with it. And I could go on and on about some of the other things I have decided needed to be addressed..but you get the picture.
As for a quick fix..sure I came here hoping I could find an answer and live happily ever after..who didn't? But as this process evolved, I realized that I needed to change too, for this to work between my H and I. I still have "fear" and that is driving so much of what I do these days. That is definately something that needs to be changed. No one should live with fear. I'm not real sure, but I would guess that I have always had it, since I was a kid..but it ebbed and flowed so I couldn't really put a finger on it..until now. And yes, I have a different attitude since my H has been trying..but I don't think the answer was the LRT thing..when I told him that day that I couldn't live like this anymore, I had really come to believe that and I was ready to be done if that's what needed to happen. I can't explain all the things that led me to feel that way but it wasn't a ploy to get him to try harder. I was actually surprised when he told me he was going to try..I thought it was done. Yes, I would have been incredibly sad, and yes it would have taken me years to come to terms with it..but I just couldn't look at him anymore and want what we used to have so badly..I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I was cheating myself and him out of having a happy life. So, I'm glad that he's trying..but I hope you know that I'm not expecting some miraculous turnabout..at least not overnight. Maybe we can move forward slowly with the help of an actual MC and maybe we'll just gain some skills to use in future relationships. But at least I'm not sitting around crying, flailing around, paralyzed with fear and self doubt. "Paralyzed" being the keyword there. I'm a good, strong person and I have alot to offer the people who know and love me. And even the people who don't know me. And yes, I'm guessing some of my calm has come from the fact that he is trying..but most of it has come from just going thru the process. And it's far from over yet. Lots of work left to do. And it helps that I've lost 50 lbs and feel terrific about that!!!
Please don't ever be afraid to comment.. whether you think I'll like it or not. This is a learning process and who doesn't want to be a better person..I'll take what rings true and put the other stuff in a little room in my brain for future consideration.
I am a worrier..not really a big complainer..but I do worry about things..most of them are things that are out of my control so it's futile anyway. But it's always been a big part of my overall personality. Again..family history..but like the AA creed says..I just need to accept the things I cannot change..and figuring out how to do that is hard hard hard. Now if I could just figure out how NOT to analyze things to death. Worry and microscope analysis are a bad combo.
Daddy..I agree that a microscope is good to use to change things that I can change..but if you spend so much time analyzing every little nuance, then you're not really living life..you're studying it. Both my H and I do that. Always wondering why the other person is doing this or that..what is the hidden meaning..instead of just accepting it and letting the other be who they are..mayeb asking why they did something that you don't understand. But we spend way too much time trying to figure out why they did it and really never know for sure anyway. It's better to ask and get the real answer and then move on to something else.
Perception is a big thing too..my H and I are both having "mis"perceptions and letting that drive our behavior.
BTW..I'm not trying to be Miss Psychologist know it all..these are things that were pointed out by our new MC last week. He actually opened my eyes to alot of things in just the two hours we were there. Made alot of sense to both of us.
Daddy..I agree that a microscope is good to use to change things that I can change..but if you spend so much time analyzing every little nuance, then you're not really living life..you're studying it. Both my H and I do that. Always wondering why the other person is doing this or that..what is the hidden meaning..instead of just accepting it and letting the other be who they are..mayeb asking why they did something that you don't understand. But we spend way too much time trying to figure out why they did it and really never know for sure anyway. It's better to ask and get the real answer and then move on to something else.
Perception is a big thing too..my H and I are both having "mis"perceptions and letting that drive our behavior.
I can use the microscope on myself. Many of us did "mind reading" and applied the microscope to others, and it did nothing but drive us crazy. We probably did get to be able to guess it right alot of times, but that is a lot of time and energy.
If there is something new I need to forge about myself, soimething that requires a new process or some changes. I did find it was a good thing to use the microscope on myself while building up this new capacity or adjusting it.
ya, mind reading isn't really what it's cracked up to be..unless you're Sookie Stackhouse and can do it for real..and even then you probably won't know the reason behind the thought..which is the important thing anyway. It all goes back to that thing..we can't change anyone but ourselves.
Perceptions play such a big role in how we interact with others. A good for-instance was when I thought that my H was searching dating websites for a younger woman to have kids with him. I thought this because I found a cookie in the temporary history files on my computer that said "dating.com". Now, I'm not saying he didn't maybe press enter on one of the dating resources from a drop down menu on his MSN home page..but the leap from maybe doing that to believing that he had signed up for Eharmony or one of those things was a pretty big leap. And once I jumped, I imagined all sorts of weird things..him sneaking around, acting all guilty when he came home later than he said he would, etc. And then I started acting different too..based on my perception. All the more reason why detaching is such a better idea than getting hung up on what "they" are doing and why. Because in the end..it doesn't really matter anyway. If he had joined a dating club or whatever you call it, there wasn't anything I could have done about it. He'd just find better ways to hide his behavior. And then it becomes a game to see who can outsmart who..who can play the game better. Yuck. who wants to live like that. That's actually why I threw in the towel that day..cuz I didn't want to live like that. And when I talked to him about it, he ADAMENTLY told me that he did not, would not EVER join a dating club. He could find women on his own, he didn't need to pay to do it. Of course he had to add that he has PLENTY of opportunity to be with women if he wants because they make themselves available to him..gag..but he hasn't done it, except for that one A. I believed him and we talked about it like two adults and then decided to keep muddling thu this thing..just like a big muddy bog..muddling..slow..exhausting..you get lost sometimes and have to ask for help..but there is that little light off in the distance.
