Yep, its teh same as Sunny right? They pick something obscure in jaded and rewritten family history and use that as ammunition to act on impulse...
It's teh same problem... neither man has found their adulthood... They haven't nutured a healthy level of impulse control in them and carry on their childhood well into their fourties.. it happens...
That's the key difference between adults and children : impulse control.
Granted adults have it in limit too, but children have a LOT LESS impulse control than most adults...
DBing is largely a lesson in impulse control too.. that's what its so healthy for you to do it.. MWD makes it a point to teach you to be paitent, control your anger, your outbursts, your name calling etc...
In short, act your age...
But these two men just don't get it and they need a LOT of WORK to get there...
The men on this forum learn impulse control when having to combat infidelity.. its necessarily nurtured in the affair buster, you NEED to control your impulses to fight effectively
These men see no need... There you have it
And arguing over wedding costs?
This sounds like some shark feeding frenzy at the candy store... pathetic... just say no and exit
This sounds like some shark feeding frenzy at the candy store... pathetic... just say no and exit
he was parroting what his parents had told him. i found that out a week later when he slipped up and said his dad wanted the money back.
he's trying to recoup a lot of this by claiming the engagement ring as his. my l said 'how old is your h? 4?'
there's a lot of history to my sitch which i will not repeat in this forum. it would be like reliving the past, looking back .. something i don't want to do.
i want to look ahead. focus on me. i am in a good place. i had to stop the intel as well. it started to make my heart race. i don't need that. i need to take care of myself.
and what if he is seeing someone? is she crazy enough to think that she can handle dead weight? one thought that i couldn't get out of my mind was .. what if he is involved with someone? and he bought a home with her .. and they are expecting their first child together? what if this was all a ploy to get me out of the picture so he can marry his pregnant mistress?
i know .. it's crazy. but .. i'm at the point where i don't really care. i am not giving up but i'm not enabling or pushing for the d. if he wants it, he can do it. i'm just going to use my time wisely. if anything, i should thank him for this separation. it gave me time to think about what i wanted.
you've given me a lot of insight. and have been very helpful in allowing me to see my sitch.
will my h ever realize his own issues? they don't think there's anything wrong with them. he refused marriage counselling but opted for ic. i don't know if he's still going to ic. but he had issues to work out. he went to ic when we were still living togther. i knew when he had an ic session because he would come home angry.
had he just put a little bit of effort into making our marriage work, we could have avoided this entire mess. i know we don't have children. but the damage isn't just between my h and i. friends and family are very hurt. when you act on impulse like that and think selfishly of the long term consequence, it's so not worth it. it really saddens me that people choose this path thinking it will lead to happiness.
he panics and he throws a temper tantrum. he starts name-calling, gets agitated, and sometimes i think he is on the verge of tears but can't cry in front of me.
she gets agitated big time. her anxiety takes over and it's like a crazy house. nobody confronts anybody in their family for fear it will cause a riff between members. his father gambled a lot of my h's money on bad stock trades. h keeps it inside and won't say anything but i know it eats away at him. his mother's germaphobic ways and anxiety disorder that makes everyone's life miserable. h and fil put up with it.
yup... well he's a male and he will learn from his father too...
BUt it sounds as if he has very little impulse control... You must have married my brother.. he behaves this same way... he's nto a germaphobe... He panics when anything's livelihood is theratened... One of his friends watched him cross check a perfect stranger into a brick wall to keep the guy from stepping on a grashopper lol
Same fits, tantrums, crying, defensiveness... all of it...
during the first few months of our ordeal, the anxiety and depression caused both of us to drop a lot of weight.
recently he went on vacation with his father and then went home to see mom and dad. they sent him home with a suitcase full of mom's homemade baking.
when we lived together, i would limit my h's intake of sweets because it wasn't good for him. he was health conscious and he was gaining weight. so i would curb his sweets intake.
now that he's on his own, his lack of impulsive control is starting to show through. he gained 30 lbs recently and it's not muscle. let's see .. indulging on sweets, beer, and eating rich food while on vacation with nobody there to watch you .. hmmmm .. geez, i wonder how you gained all that weight?
what's funny is .. he thought by staying married to me, he was going to have a heart attack and die. (in order to save himself, he had to hurt the one that he loved - by d-ing me) here i am, trying to look out for his health.
how easy/difficult is it to lose 30 lbs in a month?
i have not seen him at the squash club for over a month. the old h would have been playing every day and rigorously because he hated the treadmill. squash was his favorite cardio sport.
the thing is this .. he is getting older. your metabolism is no longer the same as it used to be. and he has health issues. heart disease runs in his family history. he cannot afford to indulge like that and then later on say "well, i can hit the gym and work this off". the doctor might test his blood pressure and say "it's off the charts, don't do anything to put added stress on your heart". he can't work out or hit the gym so now what? your plan to work off that 30 lbs is not happening. so you turn into the pilsbury dough boy? this isn't a far fetched scenario. it has happened before.
sigh .. so really, who's killing him? is it the marriage or mom's baking that he cannot stop shovelling in his mouth?
