Irish..that's a good question..I have also wondered about this. Just from what I've read and been thru with my own sitch..I think that what you do and how you do it depends on the personality of both you and your spouse (you know him better than anyone on the planet and vice versa..and your particular sitch (ie:if there are kids involved, houses to sell, etc) ..and which stage of MLC your spouse is in. I think different techniques work for different people, different situations and different stages. So you have to try different things. The unfortunate thing is that you could try something that will just blow the whole thing into smithereens and it's harder to get back on track if you do that. Which is why I spent so long flailing around, afraid to do anything--cuz it might be the wrong thing. Which is why everyone recommends detaching and not worrying about it so much. If you can figure out how to hone in on your own stuff, and not worry about his..then that occupies your time and you won't be thinking about him so much. And no matter what happens, you will come out ahead because you will be a healthier, happier person cuz you've changed some of the stuff you didn't like about yourself. God, it took me a LONG time to see that and really believe it. And even now I slip back sometimes. I've read too, about "dropping the rope". You can only do that (IMO) when you know in your heart that you will be ok alone..no matter how scary that will be. We all get to that place in our own time..but you'll know it when you get there. And being there doesn't mean that you don't still love them and wish for it to work out..you just realize that nothing you can do will make it happen and that the only person you can change is you. I can't tell you how many times people told me this and I just didn't "get"it. And I really tried to do what they were suggesting. I started to think ahead to what I would do if we divorced. How would I live, where would I go, specifics. I started packing boxes, and preparing for the worst case scenario. I talked to a lawyer so I knew what I needed to do legally. All those things made me feel more confident and less desperate. And when I felt more confident, I also wasn't as afraid. Notice I said AS afraid..cuz I'm still afraid.
I was never able to go NC. I mean, when he moved out for those 3 months, there were times when we had NC for about a week..then I'd send him a text and say Goodnight or something..just to feel like I was connected to him in some way. And like you, I spent lots of time and energy thinking about him, the way we were, how I could fix it, how much I missed him and "us". Actually I spent almost ALL of my time and energy doing that. And it just made it all worse for me..and made me look and feel pathetic. And who would be attracted to that..who would want to come back to someone who was clingy, weepy, desperate, sad..in panic mode?
No, Irish..I know you don't want him to see you like that..and you don't want to be like that either. When you WANT something so darn bad, it makes you do some crazy things. I guess the key is to shift the want to something else for awhile just to give yourself a break if nothing else..and in doing that, you will see that it actually is better for everyone anyway. Shift the WANT..to you..but be prepared..because when you do that, you might all of a sudden realize that you want more than he can offer. And that's a whole nother ball game!!
