Thanks Jeff ... 3 more busy days and then we are off to the beach.
I had a very difficult moment with my son last week. His cousin whome he adores, has been a bit hostile. He is usually a sweet boy but his parents' divorce, which he hides from people just like my son did, has affected him deeply. Imagine his parents havent spoken to each other since the day his dad moved out, his mom is constantly putting him down and is proudly calling herself a cougar(she is out of control, MLC at its worst), leaving her son (the youngest one 11yrs old) with her dad, my FiL. His dad keeps in contact as much as he can but he has told me the kid has told him he feels obliged to keep his grandparent company, which is the way/the excuse his mom uses to send him off everyday so that she can go out... (with a man the age of her oldest son, 20yrs old I think)
Anyway, my son got hurt by something his cousin told him and wanted to know how come his cousin has changed so much. I thought I should tell him what is going on and did. In the context of "he is having a hard time, be patient, dont take it personally" etc etc.
He wanted to know details and then he started sobbing uncontrollably. I tried to soothe him and asked him what he felt. He told me he was thinking of something that happened a long time ago "that is corected now and it shouldnt bother him". I asked if it was our separation and he said it was the day his father left. He told me "mommy, when I think of that day, I FEEL the rage and the grief, the desperation I felt when I was crying on the floor and dad wouldnt stay, how could he do this to me, how did he leave me when I was hurting?". Sadly, me and my son hurt with the same question... He asked me if I remembered. I told him I do and that it was very painful for me too but we are all now trying to look forward. He kept asking the same question. I told him he should discuss this with his dad, I didnt know the answer except that his dad felt he had no other choice.
His comment was :if I felt that way, I imagine how my cousin feels now, his parents had been longer together than you and dad", trying to understand and compare the pain (!!!). After that he was very sweet with his cousin.
I told H in a very nice way. His eyes filled with tears. I could see his pain/guilt. I suggested he gives our son the opportunity to discuss about it and prepare an answer that will make sense to him, at least till he is older to learn about the OW.
As far as I am concerned, as much as I want to be braver, I realised I would put up with a lot of things now, just to save my son from a similar situation again. Thankfully H seems to be returning 100% to us, for how long I cant tell. I was talking to my gf about this and she suggested some kind of ritual, just among the 4 of us, to give the kids back a sense of safety and stability. Or at least a symbolic gesture that they can remember as the end of a bad era. I will talk to H about it and see what he feels about it.
Spent a lot of time with dad last weekend. The more I did, the sweeter he became with me. I felt he was more calm when we were together. K
Hey K... wow, poor N, he kept that bottled up hey. Its a good thing that this sitch with his cousin and your SIL bought it out into the open and I think you gave him a good answer with vague details and brilliant that you said his Dad would discuss it with him.
I am glad to hear that H teared up and that you feel he is now back with you 100%. I continue to be SO happy for you that you got your H and family back, despite that its been a long, rocky, painful road to get here. A ritual, or ceremony sounds like a great idea! You could maybe exchange 'forever' gifts. Hey, maybe even renew those vows!!? xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
It is amazing how much children are hurt by this and the WAS does not seem to realize it. Kids really internalize a lot.
Glad they are able to talk because it is hard for the kids to trust as well as you, and you may feel better knowing that your kids are more trusting as well.
Hope the next few days fly by so you can get on vacation!
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
As far as I am concerned, as much as I want to be braver, I realised I would put up with a lot of things now, just to save my son from a similar situation again. Thankfully H seems to be returning 100% to us, for how long I cant tell. I was talking to my gf about this and she suggested some kind of ritual, just among the 4 of us, to give the kids back a sense of safety and stability. Or at least a symbolic gesture that they can remember as the end of a bad era. I will talk to H about it and see what he feels about it.
That was why my H and I renewed our vows. We only made it a small thing - H, myself and the children. It had great healing powers and seemed to give the children more stability. Doing it in church though, in front of God, was the right place to do it for us.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hi girls, my books arrived yesterday. Among others the new by Schnarch, Intimacy and Desire. I apsolutely LOVE his concept. His "logic" appeals to me, it makes sense. And it helps me too at this stage.
I also got from Abandoment to Healing which is a book a lot of people suggested. I got one about my mom:Rs between daughters and mothersit's type of book, an area I want to work at before it is too late. I am watching her deteriorate and it's sad to realise she is no superwoman as I always thought she was. I think my mom will collapse if she will lose my dad. Hopefully not for many years to come. Unfortunately, it looks like it will be a lot sooner. I also got the 4 principles...
H is leaving today and coming back tomorrow night. One more day at work and we are gone!!! Last night he had the day off from the newspaper and he took us out for Mexican. Like a family date. It was warm and nice. I wore a dress and high heel sandals and when he came to pick us up, he didnt say one word. Not the whole evening either, makes me sad how I am not a woman in his eyes. It is a serious blow for my ego and self confidence. Need to deal with that as well. Maybe I need to become a slut so that he notices K
Have a great vacation K...you deserve it. Try to incorporate some non healing / self help reading .... moderation grasshopper.
By the way your slut remark reminded me of a quote I once heard from one of Mick Jagger's ex wives:
<<My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.>> Jerry Hall
Ave Maria! Amazing your son can express such feelings. Have you considered that rather than not seeing you "as a woman" you H doesn't see himself "as a man" yet and maybe you have the key to this? This trip may be a good change to re-connect more, be a slut and who knows what else. I'm really not sure those self-help books have all the correct answers. But looks like its all coming together for you anyway. All the best!
Hey Maria, I wanted to call you before you went away to catch up and wish you well on your hols.. but seems you are away from..tonight?? I hope you have some healing time together..
Anyway, I agree with FB2. Wierdly, the thing that worked for me in the early days (and your R seems to have been on a go slow drip drip drip of improvements so..) was to actually shower HIM with s*xual energy and affection. Logically it felt HE should be doing that to me, to win me back, pay me attention/compliments, but I did the reverse.. in the early days it was me making all the effort with the fancy underwear, telling him how handsome he was and initiating s*x and kissing him awake etc. It restored our s*xual R very quickly so we gelled again as a couple and then the rest, as they say, is history.
It sounds counterintuitive right, but it worked. I dont know if that helps at all, or this.. dont be afraid, unconfident, dont give in to doubts and insecurities you feel when he doesnt notice your pretty dress, or listen to the negative voice that says he doesnt see you as a woman... He does notice, he just doesnt show it, trust me.
