so sorry not trying to tread on anyone's threads, I think I created my own thread now. With such little C he is not budging for counseling . I offered that and he agree to it the day before he stepped away you can read the other posts that I put explaining more detail by looking my profile up, I believe. Hope I am complying with the treads and post in order to get the best advice and replies with this forum. Thanks again, c1285
Me:25 fiance :29 together: 7years (5yrs engaged.) separated: 76 days (oddly enough same day as the oil spill so it's a constant reminder)
Dear c1285, Good to hear from you! is your post named "Need some support here"? That's the one I found. Am going to read it & I'll reply on your thread.
And, no worries about posting on my thread, truly my only concern is others on here may not see it and you could be getting many other replies not just mine. It's not a problem at all.
It took me a while to figure out how to navigate around on here too. I've heard & agree that if you stick to 1 thread, you'll have the best results. Post kind of often & people will get to know the name of your thread & check in more often. And that's what you want!
I'll pop over there & read up on your thread. I hope you have something fun planned for today, with family & friends! Holidays are hard when going through a separation. Stay strong! LFA
(((Aver))), don't apologize for having a full life! No worries, so glad you are super busy! How is your Dad? Are you having a good visit with him?
THanks as always for your supportive advice. You know I don't think of you as Miss, sorry Ms. Know it all divorce survivor! I appreciate the check ins and updates. It keeps me on track. Maybe more than my C. Probably need to work on that w her!
No, I dont' think I'll dissappear into cyberworld. I don't love it that much! And after a mo. of having no personal computer (but again, grateful to have one I can use sometimes!) I know I can "survive" with minimal online contact. RL GAL is what I need to work on, I definitely know it.
Having these several days off have been like submersion therapy. I put off, put off, put off, for a yr. really, taking time off from work. Dreading how I'd fill it without some big plans. And, guess what. The world is still turning. Yes, I had to eat a Xanax, but like the person who's afraid of water, or flying, if you just force yourself to do it sometimes it takes a lot of the fear away.
I've been walking (really with my dogs it's more running) my pups & it's true that exercise really helps clear the head. Mainly b/c I can't think of anything when I'm about ready to pass out from jogging - against my will sometimes - being pulled by one of my big knucklead boys!
Yes, I'm bummed @ the no reply & will tell L after the holiday. I have not seen any withdrawals from the savings since then. Like you, haggling over the money stuff is the worst, most stomach-turning of any of this "business" stuff. It makes me ill. But I'll deal. I think would I let some friend do this - wouldn't I say something?? Uh, yeah. Of course.
I like your suggestion to send 1 more email. I think it's incredible that some part of me thinks there is any worse he could think of me now, that I would be hesitant to press him on this. Sad, I know. Uggghhhh.
Anyway, on a brighter note, am going to aunt's later for 4th of July, family thing. A friend may stop over.
I remember how torn up I was last yr. on this day, as my aunt & that side of the family didn't know yet about my M. 4 mos. after the bomb & I still hadn't told everyone.
Well, everyone knows now, that's for sure. BTW, meetup.com - great site. That's how I found my drawing class. And I found out about it from someone on here. Yes, I'm definitely in the doing "group" things stage right now.
I am not obsessed about dating. I'm pretty much single in every way except legally. My goal is to be so busy I don't have time to be lonely! Now I've posted that, you're going to keep me to it arent' you??
I like the NYC idea. There's a train to NY from here - it takes all day but only costs $100 round trip I think. Even if it's just a couple nights, could possibly swing. I'll look into it. That would be awesome!
Have a fun rest of your 4th! I will try to hop over to your thread if bro doesn't need his computer. A few more days, & I'll have my own, Yeay! Lots of love & hugs ((((Aver)))))
Last edited by LookingFrAnswers; 07/04/1008:06 PM.
I am so gald to read that you are doing well. You sound really positive and upbeat and I can tell that you are making great strides. You are creating your happiness.
Taking time off is a huge step. It is so easy to bury yourself in work.
I am really proud of you, LFA. I can see a big difference in you. You have come a long way, baby!
I take the train from VT to NYC, too. Also about $100.00. When you get your new groovy laptop, we can meet up on FB and see if a trip to the big city is in order.
How was your 4th? Filled up the holiday time OK? Xanax for downtime anxiety is just the thing--keeps the fear down enough so you can do it--and KNOW you did it--and maybe next time take 1/2 Xanax, right?
Jeezum, every single thing we have done--every step we have taken--sort of like the Little Mermaid--every step hurts but we have to take them.
How is the D process going? I don't know anything about it, but why does it take so %^#! long? Death by a thousand cuts.
OK--tell us all your GAL weekend stuff. You know mine involved spackle, paint, and trying not to whine like a teenager at Dad.
Well friends, it's been a while since my last post. Settling in at my brothers, looking at houses, trying to figure out my next steps.
As usual, when something hits the fan, I come here for advice, wisdom and support. So, a bit of background:
In mid April, sent back my corrections to the sep. agreement.
May 20, H's L sends a letter with 5 points or demands, you could say. 1 was H wants the credit card debt split 50/50. Some here may recall I did a painstaking, and painFUL, analysis to carefully exclude any of H's post-leaving expenses i.e. those which were not shared, oh say bar & restaurant charges.
On June 10 my L sent a letter to H's L agreeing to all but 2 of their requests, 1 being something about standard language needing to stay in & the other not agreeing to the 50/50.
(thanks to all who weighed in then with their advice on that)!
So yesterday, almost 2 months later, I get an email from my L, with a dreaded attachment. I was very busy at work so I allowed myself not to open til today. Oh boy, here goes:
Basically, it states that H feels the cr. card division is fair, after all he's taking on the home equity line of credit with the house (his choice I might add) and he's not taking half the savings account, which is actually my inheritance from my Mom of which he's well aware.
OK. But here's the kicker. (also the tone is very snippy!) H is "becoming frustrated". "He feels he keeps giving and your client keeps asking for more". Huh??
Then a friendly reminder that a court would split our assets 50/50, less favorable than my cr. card calculation.
Drumroll, and here's the bomb: "We will give her 10 days to change the changes requested or it would just be cheaper to file for divorce". Yes, it's actually worded that way.
Now we are talking about $500 frigging difference! Somehow, someway, H has this idea in his head I am dragging my feet. Truly I am not! I was, last year, but this has me totally scratching my head.
I have been thinking the past 2 months that I think I'm ready to be the initiator, to tell my L, just do whatever you have to do to finish this. Avermont said it best: Death by a 1,000 cuts. That is what this is.
Meanwhile, H has not separated the car or life insurance, & I just got his license sticker renewal in the mail (his car is in my name). So who's dragging their feet here?
Never mind that I let him stay on my health insur. last year (yes we were separated) from June - Nov. b/c he lost his job.
Friends, I am so much more detached than I've been before. I haven't even cried - yet - after getting this email. I am so tired. I am sad, but I feel like I'm ready to end this. I am so very sad, and so tired. And I'm not even that worked up about the cr. card any more.
Sorry - this post is about as long as War & Peace now! Any thoughts, words, smacks? Thanks friends for reading. Thanks for everything you all have given me. Hugs to all (((( ))))
Last edited by LookingFrAnswers; 08/10/1008:12 PM.
Have your lawyer wait as long as your lawyer feels you legally can (without being in contempt), and then respond with "My client is willing to take her chances that the family court judge won't look too kindly upon the credit card charges in question, and your client's squandering of marital assets."
That's what I would do. But I'm pretty defiant that way.
Thanks Puppy! Wow, you really drive a hard bargain! I like that - squandering marital assets. Pretty sure H doesn't see it that way.
I am guessing that since he never admitted an A, he thinks I dont' know & therefore should just sit back & divvy up everything 50/50. Which pretty much I have. I don't have the stomach for fighting over money or crap. But I admire those who have such kahunas!
Thanks for the idea. I don't have the raging anger I had over it Dec. I am betting H would deny up & down he had an A, squandered anything, and it was for work. And since OW was his boss, it could technically be true.
I'll search my soul tonight to see if I have the fight left in me. As of right now it's not there
I really respect your opinion, so you've given me something to consider Puppy! Thanks! ((((hugs))))
I want to send H an email. I know I shouldn't right? Everything is through the lawyers. I haven't spoken to his since Nov. And my last email sent in June went unanswered.
So I may need a smack upside the head. But I just want to say:
[color:#3333FF]Dear H, I read the letter from OW's sister, I mean your L. May I remind you that after you left in March 2009:
I continued to pay the majority of the mortgage, through your unemployment which I think was June - August.
I agreed to keep you on my health insurance when you were out of work during that time and up through November.
I am fine with signing the house over to you although I'm taking a huge loss as its value dropped to $104K this year from $119K last year. Lucky for you but bad for me.
Even though I moved out and pay rent to live elsewhere, I continue to pay 1/2 the mortgage & put 1/2 my paycheck in the joint checking to cover utilities & house expenses.
I left you pretty much half of the china, crystal, and other stuff.
I dont' care about stuff. And I don't really care about money. If you recall from our marriage. Especially I don't want to fight over these things as we end our marriage.
But I went through the credit card bills from March through Dec. & highlighted your charges for moving, new furniture, restaurants and bars in X City, which were not for joint expenses.
I did not include my charges of $300 and $600 for counseling, those are mine and I will pay for them.
The only reason I am not willing to split the credit card 50/50 is because you made choices which is your right. But you made choices that didn't include me so I have to make choices for me.[/color]
Thoughts, comments welcome. Thanks friends for reading. I wish everyone a happy and productive day.
My goal is to not let my day be ruined by this development. Thanks to the words and support of you all, I am learning how to make choices for me. I want to be a positive, happy force in the world, not a bitter, unhappy negative force.
Thank you all for recognize and showing how to do this. I am definitely not there yet but at least I see some great examples. (((((hugs))))))
