Hey Cat, thanks for your response. You are right in many ways..and wrong in some others. Which is perfectly understandable because no matter how much I type here, it's not the same as seeing the whole picture unfold by being here in real life. There just isn't enough time in the day to explain all of my thoughts and actions..or his or the MCs. You have only what I type to try to understand. Sometimes when I write here, it's just rambling..a way to dump the overwhelming thoughts running around my head. Other times it's to get opinions about what to do. As far as I can tell, everyone does that here. It's hard to know which is which...am I rambling..or am I stuck and asking for help? I've found myself having reactions to other people's threads where I can see that what they are doing might be detrimental or destructive to them and their M. I understand how you (me, anyone) come to conclusions based on what someone has typed out.
The other thing is..that situations and feelings seem to change from day to day with all of this. So, maybe last week I was floundering around without a clear objective, and since then I have been able to sort thru some if it to see myself and my sitch in a different light. The more I read and talk to people, the stronger I become. Of course this is a process..of course there are days when I will take more steps backwards than I do forward.. of course I will grow and by doing so, learn and become a different person.
I've come to some conclusions too..there are alot of things I need to work on in regards to myself. Some were pointed out by my H, some by you guys, some by my IC, some by my kids and close friends/family, and some I just figured out by myself. I have begun researching to learn more about how I can change those things I don't like about myself. Internet, books, and talking to people who know, and who know me. I read a book when this all started called.."My husband's affair was the best thing that ever happened to me". And I now believe that too. It sucks, and it hurts, and I wish I could have learned these things in a different way..but I've accepted that this is the way I'm going to learn them..and have begun the process of change.
Yes, control is an issue for me..something I plan to address with this new MC. And also abandonment anxiety and where that comes from. You guys have no way of knowing my family history and it's too long to type out. But just know that I'm aware of it and am dealing with it. And I could go on and on about some of the other things I have decided needed to be addressed..but you get the picture.
As for a quick fix..sure I came here hoping I could find an answer and live happily ever after..who didn't? But as this process evolved, I realized that I needed to change too, for this to work between my H and I. I still have "fear" and that is driving so much of what I do these days. That is definately something that needs to be changed. No one should live with fear. I'm not real sure, but I would guess that I have always had it, since I was a kid..but it ebbed and flowed so I couldn't really put a finger on it..until now. And yes, I have a different attitude since my H has been trying..but I don't think the answer was the LRT thing..when I told him that day that I couldn't live like this anymore, I had really come to believe that and I was ready to be done if that's what needed to happen. I can't explain all the things that led me to feel that way but it wasn't a ploy to get him to try harder. I was actually surprised when he told me he was going to try..I thought it was done. Yes, I would have been incredibly sad, and yes it would have taken me years to come to terms with it..but I just couldn't look at him anymore and want what we used to have so badly..I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I was cheating myself and him out of having a happy life. So, I'm glad that he's trying..but I hope you know that I'm not expecting some miraculous turnabout..at least not overnight. Maybe we can move forward slowly with the help of an actual MC and maybe we'll just gain some skills to use in future relationships. But at least I'm not sitting around crying, flailing around, paralyzed with fear and self doubt. "Paralyzed" being the keyword there. I'm a good, strong person and I have alot to offer the people who know and love me. And even the people who don't know me. And yes, I'm guessing some of my calm has come from the fact that he is trying..but most of it has come from just going thru the process. And it's far from over yet. Lots of work left to do. And it helps that I've lost 50 lbs and feel terrific about that!!!
Please don't ever be afraid to comment.. whether you think I'll like it or not. This is a learning process and who doesn't want to be a better person..I'll take what rings true and put the other stuff in a little room in my brain for future consideration.
