FYI, family dinners seemed to help soften up my H. The first couple, I focused mainly on my child (it was easier for me) and was polite to him but not overly friendly. It wasn't until I took him to his favorite restaurant and had felt the ice thaw a bit that I pursued him, which for me was a 180.
I found out yesterday my H opened a separate acct over a year ago - long before we closed on the house. So he's been thinking about this for a long time which is just his style.
Be prepared for anything and take care of getting YOU to a better place. The Y sounds great.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Dinner was rough - but not because of us, just because the 3 year old was being... three. She actually hit me at the table. Her behavior was just too much so I just sat there and tried to focus on my food. The situation with the H seems to have zapped all my patience for everything, including the kids.
I'm dreading the end of this week when the Board exams are over and I think he might bring up me and the kids going back 'home' for a few weeks so he can 'take a break' and think about things. I just drove the 9 hour trip (each way) with them and our dog 2 weeks ago. Given that the little one vomits every time I drive that long, I'm not really up to doing it again so soon.
Or worse he will say that he (alone) wants to go up and see friends, including the OW like he mentioned before.
How do I handle that one?
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
So I left my phone in the bottom of the diaper bag and didn't see that he texted me until much later - just updating me that he booked a room for the night before his board exams (he has to take them in another state). I never responded at all. He came home and dinner was on the table. I was done eating so I did dishes while he ate with the kids. Then he realized he had no beer (oh, the horror) and he went out to get more while I bathed and put the kids to bed.
So sitting down here now feeling a little stronger, I had a bit of an epiphany..... this EA basically started right around the time I conceived our second child. That is when I started making comments about the OW and he claimed she was his 'best friend' and how dare me deny him of his one and only friend. At that time he also said not to make him choose between me and her because he would choose her. Obviously that was a red flag, but here I was pregnant with my second child and my first was only about 15-16 months old at the time.
Another thought I had is why am *I* the one walking on eggshells moping around? Because he is the one that said he wanted the D? Ok, maybe. But HE is the one that turned outside our marriage for basically half of our married life to another person. I'm still committed to the marriage and want it to work if he does, but if he wants to get on the D train I will not stop him. I cannot force him to want me or to work on things, I am basically awaiting my fate but using this time that we are living in a new place, I am a SAHM, and everything financially is ok, to work on myself. It's borrowed time to make myself stronger either for the future work that we will do to our marriage, or for a new partner down the road in the future.
If anyone would like to chime in I would still love to know how to handle the situation if he says he wants to go back to our home state to visit friends - and he specifically mentioned her before. I have not brought it up since and this first came up last Monday.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
You're not going to get anywhere until he stops contacting the OW. You need to set clear boundaries here. Either he stops it, or he moves out immidiately. You should phrase it like this:
I have decided that I will not share my husband in this house with another woman, be it emotionally, physically, or otherwise. You have clearly crossed the line with OW. This is damaging our relationship, and our children. At this time, for the sake of our marriage, I am asking you to stop all contact with OW. If you will not, you need to move out immidiately.
And wait for your answer.
Then if he decides NC, you can begin DB.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Last time we talked about her he said she is the only good thing in his life right now and he can't give that up. When I said that WE cannot work on our connection while he is still connected to HER, he replied that he doesn't think she is the issue. He thinks we had problems long before her and he doesn't think that removing her will fix anything.
Maybe it won't for him, but she is my main problem. We still are not talking about any of this - and I think I'm waiting for him to approach me about it rather than being the one to bring it up. It just sucks that I'm in this new house in a new town, I have no friends here and the only adult contact I do have is him. The idea of us moving him out (I'd have to physically help him move the stuff since neither of us has any other friends here) sucks, but so does the situation. I guess I can't do anything but hold tight until he bring up the R? Or am I supposed to give him an ultimatum about cutting off contact or moving out? (Even though we are in a holding pattern and not talking about things currently.)
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
I've been thinking about this and trying to get up the courage to give the ultimatum of giving up the OW and having no contact or moving out. I don't expect him to even try to talk to me until the weekend (the board exams are Thursday in another state). I'm very nervous about it though, but I'm clear that this current situation is not good for me, for our marriage, or for my daughters to grow up and think is acceptable.
Still wrapping my head around the idea of moving his stuff out of the family house, but I guess I have to do what has to be done. We'll see what he says when it comes up.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
I've been thinking about this and trying to get up the courage to give the ultimatum of giving up the OW and having no contact or moving out.
It's not a ultimatum, it's a boundary - his behavior which is unacceptable to you. When he joins a practice will he be OK with one of the partners spending time, money, energy and emotion with a competing group?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I concur: "I will not live in an open marriage" is a boundary.
How do you enforce the boundary? You ask him to leave if he doesn't end it now, and if that doesn't get him to either move or end it, then you hire an attorney and start making things legal.
Assert your boundary. If the boundary is overstepped, execute the consequences: asking him to move out, hiring a family law attorney, etc. You don't threaten the action. The action is a consequence for not observing your boundaries.
Boundaries are about protecting yourself from harmful behavior of others, not trying to change others.
His behavior and choices are his. You aren't trying to change him. You are asserting your boundaries and letting him choose to either observe them or deal with the consequences of not observing them.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/10/1004:45 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
He came down and said he was going back to our hometown this weekend. Again I asked why and who he was going to see. He said anyone that would be willing to hang out and OW. I said I think if you go and see her this weekend that we should find you alternate living arrangements when you get back (said it calmly, I know I was supposed to say 'it makes me feel....' but I was caught off guard). So his response was 'really? because I was going to tell her things were over and not to contact me, but now I'm not so sure' and he walks away.
I followed him upstairs and said -geez I can't remember exactly what came first - but I did say the things about boundaries and how while he feels this has been only inappropriate for 2 months, I have felt it has for 2.5 years... since he told me if I made him choose between her and I he'd choose her. I said I know you don't think she is the main problem in our marriage but for half of our marriage I have felt second to her. That is a huge issue to me. That affects how I react to you which in turn affects how you react back to me, so yes, this has been an issue for half of our marriage.
He said she aggravates him just as much as I do so there is no difference (I guess this is his rational for telling her no contact). I said there is a huge difference. We have a 14 year history, a marriage, and two children. She is someone you worked with for 4 years and will never live in the same city again.
I asked again what is your intention this weekend? How do you think that makes me feel when you admitted you love someone else and you are going to drive back to see them? Then I asked where he was staying. He said he doesn't know, maybe with her because she has an extra room. I just said what? You really think that is ok? Do you think that it is ok for a married man to go stay in the same home as the woman that he claims he loves and his wife is supposed to be ok with that? You better think hard before you decide to do that, you better really think about that... and then I left the house and went for a drive. I came home and his room is dark - I guess he's trying to sleep.
I know I didn't handle that well or how I wanted. I wanted to say less and be firm, but I am proud of myself for being firm, not emotional, and standing up for myself. I am not sure how my marriage slipped this far in this direction but clearly I have been enabling them to continue contact and that part has ended.
Advice please? I am not sure what to do with myself this weekend. I'm in a new town with one friend (who is 9 years younger than me and has a child the same age as my D2). I'm debating going back home and staying up there (with my family) longer than he is there since he has to be back here for work Monday. But I'm not sure.
I do know thanks to this site and the book I am not a weepy sobbing mess like I normally would have been. I am angry and I want more respect than I am receiving. He needs to make a decision about her soon.
Advice please????
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
