YOu actually paid the interest because he wasted his money all year?
This story sounds like the turtle and teh hare tale perfectly... He wastes the year while you work diligently and plan ahead and at the end of the year, he isnt' prepared and you cross teh finish line...
But he expects you to bail him out like his parents do...
I think it would be healthy to work on finances together, but If your H is that unrelaible I can understand why you would want to save separately...
I think if you had given him access to all the finances thy would likley be gone and you WOULD be accusing him of financial infidelity...
WOrking together on finances is healthy for a marriage, but if your spouse isnt' responsible with fiannces its best to do what you can to motivate him to learn to be responsbile and to protect yoruself as you have done
He cited that one of the reasons for dropping the d-bomb was because I was a saver and he wasn't. I thought "isn't that a good thing? I'm not the kind of woman who is spending your money.".
I saved because I saw his spending pattern. We can't both spend that way or we would go broke. I thought I was doing a good thing. And no I wasn't going to coddle him like his parents. I wanted to lead by example.
Sweetheart, I've done told ya.....once a mamma's boy, always a mamma's boy. That is your problem. No matter what else he may or may not be doing (and you are still trying to find something else)he's still a mamma's boy. He chooses his mother over his own wife! That's not normal. I have never seen a true mamma's boy change. I think you need to move forward for your own sake. If anything was to ever nudge him to save his R with you, that would be it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
YOu actually paid the interest because he wasted his money all year?
This story sounds like the turtle and teh hare tale perfectly... He wastes the year while you work diligently and plan ahead and at the end of the year, he isnt' prepared and you cross teh finish line...
But he expects you to bail him out like his parents do...
I think it would be healthy to work on finances together, but If your H is that unrelaible I can understand why you would want to save separately...
i know this is petty .. but sometimes i wonder why i didn't drop the d-bomb.
i found out after marriage how financially irresponsible he was. i couldn't believe what i got myself into. so i saved separately. i refused to have a joint account.
i was very lucky that i didn't lend him money for his 401k. had i done that, i would be homeless now. but i protected myself.
No matter what else he may or may not be doing (and you are still trying to find something else)he's still a mamma's boy. He chooses his mother over his own wife! That's not normal.
i was looking for something else because gucci and pdt have said in my early threads that they don't believe my h left me for his parents. but they gave me no answer. if it's not that, then what is it? and i get no answer. ok .. so now i'm going to find out on my own.
i understand that he's a momma's boy. and i don't know how many people have told him that he needs to side with his wife. but he's only listening to his parents. he has isolated himself from his friends. he put himself in a really bad position.
but i'm having a great time with friends. i smile a lot. you couldn't tell that i was going through a breakup. am i going to be okay? i think so. this board made me see that i was a strong woman with a good head on her shoulders. i have my quirks and issues that i'm working through but nobody's perfect.
Yep... He sided with himself.. He isnt' leaving you for his parents.. he's just not grown up yet my dear...
THe question is how much coddling and dead weight are you willing to take into a marriage?
I am not saying give up on him, but I would stay separate untli you can see he can self-manage...
Right now he's still a child... He never let go of his parents, he never learned to self-manage.. He runs to them whenever he's in crisis... Children do that... not adults
Yep... He sided with himself.. He isnt' leaving you for his parents.. he's just not grown up yet my dear...
i never thought of it that way - he sided with himself.
here i was .. on the infidelity boards because i've heard from many that most LBS here have a WAS who is involved in an EA/PA. many who don't think so are in denial or have their heads buried in the sand. so i asked myself, is my head buried in the sand? could i be in denial? and that's how this thread got started. you helped me a lot.
never in our marriage did i ever tell him to grow up. but when he dropped the d-bomb, i told him that he was running away from the issues rather than being a man and trying to fix it. finally, i told him he needed to grow up. his comeback? "right back at you". very mature. i rolled my eyes.
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I am not saying give up on him, but I would stay separate untli you can see he can self-manage...
i don't want to give up on him. but i think i can help him but not coddle him. and yeah, i would stay separated. but my goodness, he couldn't even pack his portion of the home himself. his mommy flew in and packed for him. he didn't need to lift a finger. me? i'm the turtle who planned and prepared, right? life will throw things at me and there is no time to cry. you have to hit the ground running and that's what i did.
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Right now he's still a child... He never let go of his parents, he never learned to self-manage.. He runs to them whenever he's in crisis... Children do that... not adults
i hope he read this thread. cuz you don't know how many times i heard that one.
The thing is... He hasn't grown up so he doen'st want to hear it...
Children learn this stuff when they are TEN... he's not there yet and telling him to "grow up" isn't going to sink in.
It may make you feel better, but it will drive him further away.
YOu can't tel him to grow up and expect it to happen anymore than telling that to a ten year old...
They need time, they need quality guidance from an authority and education... lots of it
If you can't get him to walk that line then why would you WANT him?
That's the point, you invite him to work with you, you offer him the ticket to the movie and you GO on your own.. if he shows up then great, if he doen'st then you enjoy the movie while he stays at home to hide.
He will always choose himself until he learns to share... Does he have siblings?
I don't recall if you mentioned him having any?
Anyhow... He needs time to grow up.. it takes a LOT of time...
You can watch some great films that show you this...
Kramer vs Kramer is a classic
Beautiful Girls is also one of my favourites
Stepmom again a great film about people of all ages growing up... probably one of the best
You watch this tehn you make yourself available and then move on... no time to wait for the rabbit to catch up... life is a race and right now he's slowing you down...
If he calls you in a year, he's all cleaned up, self-managing etc and you want to work with him that's great, but you need to make sure that YEAR COUNTS... don't waste a DAY waiting on him.
YOu don't need to file for divorce to enjoy your life.. go live it... if he jions you that's great, if he won't thats' great too
They need time, they need quality guidance from an authority and education... lots of it
If you can't get him to walk that line then why would you WANT him?
i should have seen this coming. it just brings back all those times when he's whined about things. it's really sad.
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He will always choose himself until he learns to share... Does he have siblings?
he has an older sister who has isolated herself from the family. she was engaging in some questionable behaviour and her parents highly disapproved of the people she was associated with. the parents have also been financially supporting her - she could not hold down a job. and they decided to cut her off financially. she removed herself from the family for the last 5 years. she has been on meds for anxiety, depression, pms, you name it. the parents have heard from others what she's been up to and because they are getting old, they are wanting to reconcile by providing financial support again. they found out she was missing car payments and going to the food bank. the father wanted to make her car payments for her.
and the reason why mil is always telling my h that she cannot live without him and that he's all she has .. is because she no longer has a daughter. i think the parents are afraid that if they cut my h off financially, they will lose him too.
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If he calls you in a year, he's all cleaned up, self-managing etc and you want to work with him that's great, but you need to make sure that YEAR COUNTS... don't waste a DAY waiting on him.
YOu don't need to file for divorce to enjoy your life.. go live it... if he jions you that's great, if he won't thats' great too
i've grown a lot over the last few months. i discovered that i was a lot stronger than i thought. i'm wiser. i think i'd make a great partner in crime. i wanted my h to see that.
i almost wanted to file for divorce. i was tired of playing these games. you know, in my separation agreement .. he claimed my engagement ring, jewellery, wedding ring, and a handbag. it was ridiculous. all items given to me before marriage. my l couldn't stop laughing at it.
i was sad to watch him like this. he looked at me and said "i can see the gears turning in your head, you just want to win". and all i can think of was .. no, we're both going to lose. you have no idea, do you?
