I needed that. She is only beginning to see the reality here. My expectqtions are too high and/or my concept of TIME is incorrect.
I was looking for a response I got (Steady or Mishherlove, I think) where it was said that "things have been moving at warp speed (during Infidelus Interrusptus/Exposure) and now it's goona slow WAAAAAY DOWN. Gonna feel like you hit a brick wall"
I need to keep that in mind.
And continue to pursue MY GOALS and keep working on the Sep Agreement.
For the record, one more after my wife's affair was confirmed, she was DEEP into it, still DEEP into her "DECEIT" stage (lying to not only me, but to our adult daughters AND her parents about it, despite my ironclad evidence!), and I was meeting with an attorney to initiate a petition for divorce.
It was only after actually FILING for divorce, and having a major RE-CONFRONTATION with her about the deceit (with more evidence in tow), and two additional months (3 total) that she asked back into the marriage.
Puppy
Timing is everything. Having the boundary at the right time is crucial. Prior to that it will push her furthur away.
DISAGREE.
Boundaries have no more to do with "pushing away" than do with trying to attract -- they are done for YOU, irrespective of how the cheating/walkaway/MLC spouse will likely react to them. In general, however, boundaries are best laid out EARLY, for your own preservation and integrity.
I also mentally reviewed a pile of things that a lot of my "new friends' have written on this board and the one thing that I kept seeing was your mention of TIME.
It's early in the game. I need to adjust my perspective on this to be more patient with myself. I need to remember that I am rebuilding my entire life here.
This is about much more than the divorce. This is about other R's as well as this one. This is about deleting what "they did" in the R's and focusing on what I did .This is about analyzing how and why I'm in this situation. What is it about ME that led me to be in this position?
Then UNDERSTAND AND CORRECT those unhealthy views, tendencies, habits and reactions. It's gonna take more than two months to get them right.
CORRECT. Just make sure that you realistically identify when it's NOT about you, and that there are going to be things where YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
It's a fine balancing act, CD, but newbies usually make either the mistake of not seeing ANY of their own role in their marital dysfunction, or, they swing wildly the opposite direction and think they need to change EVERYTHING about themselves -- even those things that are authentically a part of who they are.
But yes, TIME. My sitch took 3 months and that is FAST. Most take 6 mos. to 2 years (although a lot of that has to do with what YOU are willing to abide).
I needed that. She is only beginning to see the reality here. My expectqtions are too high and/or my concept of TIME is incorrect.
I was looking for a response I got (Steady or Mishherlove, I think) where it was said that "things have been moving at warp speed (during Infidelus Interrusptus/Exposure) and now it's goona slow WAAAAAY DOWN. Gonna feel like you hit a brick wall"
I need to keep that in mind.
And continue to pursue MY GOALS and keep working on the Sep Agreement.
Either way, it has to be done.
Try to think of it as the "marathon" that people often reference here, CD. At the opening gun of a marathon, the best runners will usually kick out to a bit of a semi-sprint, to try to get near the front of the pack. Then, they settle into the longest (middle) phase where they pace themselves, followed by a kick at the end.
but newbies usually make either the mistake of not seeing ANY of their own role in their marital dysfunction, or, they swing wildly the opposite direction and think they need to change EVERYTHING about themselves -- even those things that are authentically a part of who they are.
Right on Pup.
This is where you are CD.
this is the rest of the journey of the LBS.
You will be tempted to take on more responsibility and that is a natural temptation when you finally open your eyes after the anger.
That is why you look at things that sting.
Pup is right... this is a marathon.
YOUR real work has just begun.
What happened in the exchange with your W is because you are not detached yet...
And you haven't yet begun to see the changes you want to make for yourself
In short you still have much of the old you working here.
They are only mistakes if you don't learn from them.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
It's a fine balancing act, CD, but newbies usually make either the mistake of not seeing ANY of their own role in their marital dysfunction, or, they swing wildly the opposite direction and think they need to change EVERYTHING about themselves -- even those things that are authentically a part of who they are.
I am certainly not in danger of not seeing my own contributions. But I will be susceptible to seeing too many things as "mine"
I found it 'interesting' that yesterday when I mentioned owning my 50% of the M to W, she said "probably not that high" She must be starting to look at it, too.
Not trying to mind read but I found a few things that stood out in the conversation yesterday. I'll try to put them on the thread later so I can "see" them farther down the road.
What happened in the exchange with your W is because you are not detached yet... And you haven't yet begun to see the changes you want to make for yourself. In short you still have much of the old you working here. They are only mistakes if you don't learn from them.
