After she finished reading she said she was going to nap. I told her it wasn't a good idea to nap at 8:30 at night, that she would be up late, and that was a bad choice for our child tomorrow.
John, are you her father or her husband? This kind of paternal behavior kills attraction!
John, I've been there done that. I harped on the evils of tanning and asked if W was eating right, blah blah!
I finally got off my paternal behavior when I realized when my wife and I are divorced I will have NO idea what she does. She could tan until she is a charcoal briquette or starve herself for a week. I won't know about it or have a say. Like I really did have a say anyway? My W is a 40 year old adult who can/will do what she wants.
Same with your W. If she wants to run with scissors or jump in a pool without waiting 30 minutes or nap after eating or nap late it is her life.
You can only control you and no one else. That is the lesson I had to learn. BTW, once that lesson started to take hold, I have a more relaxed feeling since it is time consuming and exhausting always to be worried about someone else. Plus it always feels like you are giving and they are not reciprocating and they see it as just being controlling. Be a care giver no more. Besides care giving skews the balance of a R to much to one side.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
Even after dropping an A, the feelings of the WAW doesn't return overnight. It takes time. Most LBH's that I've read about want to hear their WAW commit 100% to working on the M.
Yep. You nailed it. That's me. No one wants to be in limbo-land, but I've figured out after being here that it is inevitable after this kind of event. Maybe if I had been a better DB and given her proper space throughout limbo-land she would have come out of it quicker.
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She, on the otherhand, is trying her best (we hope)to work up to that line where she can feel that she's willing to be willing. Now I said all of that as if the W did end all A's and has stopped the flirting over Internet.
Yep. You nailed it. She has said many times before we walked into that MC session that she "wants to want to try". But now, when that exact phrase is asked of her from the MC as a gateway to begin the recovery process, she is hesitant to step up to the plate. I understand that. I'm just not going to bring it up for several days and hope she comes to me. If say, by Thursday night she hasn't brought it up, I might ask the community here how to do so. My suspicion would be something like, "I want to make another appointment with the MC, but I need to know where you are in all of this."
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I can't remember where I found this book on this site but man, what a great read. I'll try to explain how it applied to me, and how I finally think I understand boundaries now.
It's about setting goals & boundaries of personal integrity. Things like, "I am faithful to my wife." and "There will be no disrespectul talk or action in my house by anyone, to anyone, myself included."
I found myself reading this only a few chapters in realizing that I have NEVER set these kind of things up in my life. Then I began to visualize the types of statements and boundaries that I would set. I had a few in my mind. Then as I read more, I realized I had allowed my own personal integrity to be TRAMPLED on by my W - not by her fault - but by my own for not holding the line. I realized that the boundaries and goals that were most important to me as a father, I had trampled on myself. I got pretty emotional thinking about all of this.
I think what that book did for me was make me realize that this M never had a fighting chance when no one in our house demanded respect or held the line on personal integrity. Our M is extremely immature. We've never set those boundaries in our home - either individually or as a couple.
I also realized that by compromising my beliefs on personal integrity, I've submitted myself to my own demise in my M. I've allowed my W to cross those lines too much for fear of making her angry. Instead, what I should have done was hold that line, be a STRONG MAN, and that would have been more attractive and gave us both more respect for each other.
I'm not saying that my W is the only one who's crossed the lines. If she had the same boundaries as I, I've definitely crossed her lines too. That's just sad.
I began by writing a list of integrity items that I know are important to me living my life as the man I want to be. I then looked at that list, and thought - "This is the man my W wants to be with." And suddenly, it was clear.
I'm a man. I'm not a little boy. I don't have to cry and whine to get my way. If I become the man I want to be, my W will love me all the more. That's the person she wants to be with. That's the man that she loves.
And frankly, that's the man she fell in love with.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
BTW, once that lesson started to take hold, I have a more relaxed feeling since it is time consuming and exhausting always to be worried about someone else. Plus it always feels like you are giving and they are not reciprocating and they see it as just being controlling. Be a care giver no more. Besides care giving skews the balance of a R to much to one side.
Boundaries are so important, yet never emphasized in relationships. I grew up thinking that a relationship was all about being understanding, giving, sacrificing. So did my wife. But you can only give so much, sacrifice so often. And boundaries are a great way of making sure that you don't keep making the same sacrifices, over and over.
Came home for lunch, spent some time with S4, ate with W. She asked about the company Christmas party this year (future talk?). I didn't read into it, just answered her questions. We laughed together for a while. Good conversation.
I played with my S4 for a while, then it was his time to eat lunch. He wouldn't chose from a couple things we had told him he could have and threw a fit. I jumped in and became FATHER figure John, was stern and loving with him, and I could see the look in my W's eyes - she was proud of me.
In the past, I haven't always been around to give S4 that fatherly discipline that he's needed. I was always a softy. But, after reading Hold on to your N.U.T.S., I realize that I can be strong and compassionate at the same time. I don't have to yell to be stern.
I tell you, that book has empowered me. It really has. I feel confident. I feel like I have a purpose and greater meaning now. And, it's paid dividends in two days in my M.
I'm not going to her at all anymore for acceptance. She's come to me more times today that she has in a week to give me hugs and kisses. Just now she was leaving to go swimming with S4 at the pool with a girlfriend and as she's leaving I'm putting S4 in the car. She's in the front seat and before I can close the door she says, "Wait! I need a kiss." I walked around the car she rolled down the window and gave me TWO soft, good kisses. I said, "Have a good time." She told me I needed to go out too and have some fun.
She's still got a decision to make about counseling. But, if I can continue to be this strong and confident man I am inside, it should be an easy decision for her. I'm not pressuring her to make that decision. I feel confident she will come to me in time with an answer.
Today I feel awesome even though I have no idea where my M stands. That's awesomely weird.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I'm a man. I'm not a little boy. I don't have to cry and whine to get my way. If I become the man I want to be, my W will love me all the more. That's the person she wants to be with. That's the man that she loves.
And frankly, that's the man she fell in love with.
Exactly! I'm so glad you read that book. It says what we try to pass forward here on the board.
As far as "asking" her about MC, I think it would be better to just get dressed and act as if and plan to go. After you are dressed you can say something like, "I'm going to our appointment." Don't ask her if she's going....just leave. That shows her something. It shows her that you are not clinging to her skirt-tail and it doesn't put the same type of pressure on her as it was before.
When you constantly check her temp to see "where she's at in this"....that puts more resentment in her heart. I'm speaking from personal experience.
Use that book as if it is the bible for manhood! Keep reading it until it has seared your brain.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Excellent!! I knew you'd like that book. It really changed my life as well. Glad you finally got what I was saying about RESPECT and BOUNDARIES. You learn well grasshopper.
