Hi Di- Glad to hear your D is okay. And good for you for not dwelling on the crap...what's the point? It does take a while to get there but when you do, it does feel like you have gained back some of the control in your life.
All these "anniversaries" can be painful reminders but it is also a good time to reflect on how far you have come and what you have accomplished. You have been picking up the pieces and started rebuilding. You have survived even when things didn't turn out the way you had hoped...It sounds like you are now ready to do more than just survive...so, now it's time for you to grow and thrive and be open to what the future has in store for you. If you are living for your kids, show them that even when there are obstacles in your life, you can get past them and still be happy!
I have been wondering about you so I was glad that you posted. Sorry to see things haven't changed much. Funny how he wants the D but doesn't want to do the work to get it. Sounds like my H but he did file and it progressed regardless.
Keep the focus on you and the kids and you will do fine.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I sometimes get caught up in feeling like I am the crazy one here (not my H)............how can I be the only one that sees that H has changed SO much???.....how can I be the only one that thinks he acts like an alien???.......but then I read other stories and see that I'm not alone in this experience.
I also wonder, since I've never experienced a "break up," if this is all just normal behavior in a relationship that has ended..........how would I know?
I still do a lot of thinking. Trying to get my mind to move on, and I think I am getting closer to being able to accept fully (really) what is happening, which I know has to happen. My memories of "before" still linger. The reality I remember still holds true to me.
If I could only get past the lingering feeling that in the end I was just "not good enough" or worthy enough to have the "happily ever after".....the "forever".... and what hurts the most.....my family complete and unbroken, forced to live in this awkward un-natural state that is divorce............and last night just a wave from the man I've devoted the last 30 years of my life to.....and would the next if I had the chance....
But.....I've held on. I've had no encouragment, so I don't know why. I've not had one "I miss you." There has been no wavering on his part. I've not really had anything to hold out hope for other than the fact that he cannot bring himself to move forward with the divorce that he wants, and the hope that some day he will again be the man I have loved since I was 15. He has asked me to hire a lawyer to handle "our" divorce, in an e-mail. From the beginning, he has only addressed our marriage and his need to end it via e-mail. I know that it doesn't matter that I feel I deserve more.
Feeling emotional today, so venting. I don't reflect these feelings to the world. That is not even an option for me. This is where I can come to let some emotion out. I don't need to do this as often as I used to, so I know that's progress too.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
But.....I've held on. I've had no encouragment, so I don't know why. I've not had one "I miss you." There has been no wavering on his part. I've not really had anything to hold out hope for other than the fact that he cannot bring himself to move forward with the divorce that he wants, and the hope that some day he will again be the man I have loved
BTDT. I was in that limbo for a number of years, just like you. My H did everything to exclude me from his life except the legal part. I waited, and while I waited I kept my life moving forward, trying to leave room for him to join me.
My H snapped in 2003. In 2010 he finally moved back to our bed. In many ways he is back but he's still finding his way. We have a lot of things to work on yet. Why did I wait? maybe just too damm stubborn more than anything!! But I so loved H and the life we had, I wasn't ready to let it be history until H had the balls to put it there. He did not. And that tells me I didn't just imagine what we had in our good days.
What makes you wait? What keeps your from filing?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
What makes me wait.......in the beginning it was the very strong belief that this was a temporary situation. I believed with all my heart and soul that what he was going through was temporary and when he "came to" he would come back to me, and the life that we dreamed about when we were teenagers. Part of me still wants to believe that, at this point it is a very small part---but there is still this very minute nagging, a feeling of how wrong this is.
I met H when I was 14. We started dating when I was a Sophomore in high school (15). Almost from the beginning we began to plan our lives together. Our lives were never smooth----always one challenge after another, but there was one constant --- (what I thought) was our love for each other. We didn't fight. Our disagreements were brief.
I have fully accepted my role in what led to the bomb. I have made a lot of changes---I see things differently than I did then. I know that there were changes I needed to make. I needed to learn how to make myself happy. Too many years believing that my sole responsibility was to make others happy (and believing that I wasn't happy because there was no one working like I was to make ME happy)has made this difficult. I know now that I need to be happy with myself. I work on that daily, and am making slow progress----but progress nonetheless. I can see my life without my H now. When the bomb dropped, I could not. It is not the life I want. It is not the life I want for my family. BUT I work hard every day to continue to move forward, find what makes ME happy and know that I will be ok and my family will be ok----even if it's a family of 4 and not 5.
What keeps me from filing? I guess part of it is stubborness. THIS is what he wants---not me --- and if it is what he wants, he needs to end it. I'm not going to do it for him. I have not wavered from that (that no matter what I don't feel divorce is the answer) from the beginning.
I've loved my H for 30 years. My love is unconditional. I've tried to turn it off, but I can't. In March of this year my H demanded that I hire a L to do the "necessary paperwork" to "end this." I hired the L. I made it clear to her that I would not file. She will be informed and prepared to represent my interests, and those of my children when he is prepared to go forward. My H wrote to me that he thought by asking me to hire the L to do "our" divorce, he was initiating the process. He wrote to me. His only contact with me regarding his need to divorce is via e-mail. A recurring theme in his requests is the need to believe that THIS is what I want as much as he does.
My H moved out of our home 2 years ago. His request in March marked the 3rd e-mail telling me he needed to "end this." He was still wearing his wedding ring at that point. In an emotional reply I asked him to take it off, because it obviously didn't mean anything to him. He stopped wearing his ring. I took mine off for a day, but put it back on. I guess something else I'm stubborn about. I think I will wear it until the very end. Some days I ask myself why. Some days I even feel embarassed --- after all the marriage we had IS over, but I wear it as a sign of my continued comittment.
A long reply, for a simple question---but obviously I am still full of emotion----and probably another reason why it is not time for me to file.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Di your H is stuck in the tunnel, please remind me does he have a OW? He never took any action on the divorce? That is very interesting but not really surprising. Another lesson for zero expectations. He is quite depressed and he seems unable to move forward just as you are stuck.
Answer my first question before I say anything more.
There was an OW that (in the beginning) he denied. My bomb date is the date that I accused him of having an affair----not the same bomb as most people list. It was a year and a half after my bomb date that I heard "I don't love you anymore." During that time, I blamed myself for the state of our marriage----because I was convinced that the reason for the deterioration and our inability to get back on track was my accusation. Six months later he moved out. I searched for answers and learned that I was right about OW all along. Is she still in the picture???? I don't think I care any more.....I do know that I can't believe what he has told me about her and how long their relationship lasted.....I do beleive she was/is a symptom....not part of his "cure"...I don't think she was THE answer he was looking for. Has he took any action on the divorce? Not that he has informed my L about----but I do believe that it is only time. I can't let myself think anything else.
I will continue to live as I have been living.....moving forward and working on me, for me and my family. I love from a distance. I have left openings that only seem to make him act more awkwardly. I am making progress with detachment.....but the love is still there. The feeling of how wrong this is is still there. I've accepted where I'm at. I am no longer looking for answers. I no longer try to analyze his every move or what his action or inaction means. I'm going to be the best person I can be---the best mom I can be.....and just live.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
You are doing fine. Just know through all of this that you have done nothing wrong. Yes, maybe you have hung on to him and crowded him (in mlc thought) but in general this is all on him. I was only asking about the OW because I was trying to place him in the tunnel. He is deep in their and seems very stuck. Very depresssed. He peeks out every once in a while and threatens divorce, because he erroneously thinks that is going to cure his pain. You and I know that is not true.
You are strong Di. You are learning much about yourself and life. Don't let anything that I am saying stop you from staying on your path. I know that you are a great person and mom. Just keep moving forward. No expectations. But you are allowed to have hope. Hope is permitted here!
