I'm new and need advice

[lovehurts]

I'm getting this. But why would he want to be with me in the end if I'm being a B!@ch? What will make him want to come back to me?

[Allen A]

Pressure makes him come back... and the stress of an exciting affair that turned into an embarassing scandal

Right now its secret, its exciting, its fun...

Once you make it into a painful headache for him to keep up with everyone talking about him at work and having to walk the gauntlet each day the affair loses its luster and working with his wife and reconciling is the most ATTRACTIVE WAY for HIM to SAVE FACE

The dirty looks stop once he reconciles... and e KNOWS it...

[Allen A]

While yoru family and friends are pressuring him and the workplace is pressuring him YOU are working on making YORUSELF more inviting to return to my getting a life.

This is much like parenting... being a parent doens't mean being a doormat...

Parents have to be an attractive option.. kids will run away if it gets bad... and for them to want to return home the home has to be inviting... but parents won't agree to be doormats and allow their kids to walk all over them.. if they return home there are RULES ... or BOUNDARIES if you will.. and when your H agrees to respect them properly then he can return...

He will RESPECT you for fighting for the marriage and him... even when he's LIVID that you are making his lifestyle miserble... it is a pratical combination that parents employ daily

THey are tough, but inviting at the same time... its doable.. Hard but do able

AT a deep level you have to trust that he loves his marriage and his kids and will return if you show him you mean business...

If you ALLOW him to cheat, he will... It's just like working with a child.. if you allow them to take advantage they WILL

So STOP allowing it by speaking up and asserting the boundaries...

OUT until he can walk the straight and narrow... And you make the life outside of the home a living nightmare for him.. HR, management, friends, family all pressing him to be a man and go home... most will end it

[Allen A]

I'm getting this. But why would he want to be with me in the end if I'm being a B!@ch? What will make him want to come back to me?

No one is saying bea bitch.. we are saying be forceful.

You can be dignified, intelligent, mature, and responsible as well as being forceful...

Dont' name call, don't threaten, don't yell... state it firmly with confidence that he has to leave... that you won't allow him to exploit or abuse you any further and you go out and come back with boxes and start packing his stuff

Is this what caring and responsible mothers are to children? Bitches?

[lovehurts]

I can relate to the mother thing. Firm. Consistent. Demanding. Loving. I read the thread you recommended. Good stuff.

I'm feeling stronger reading all of this.

I will let you know how the next couple of days go. I've got a few others that I need to bring in to the loop that I've been thinking of for a long time. We have a lot of friends that I know want to see us together. They see how good I've been for him and the kids.

Thank you so much!

Need to sign off for a good nights sleep, I've got a big few days ahead of me.

[lovehurts]

I can't sleep. I just printed the "rules" I customized them to fit our situation. I did take out the part that he can't work there. It's just not feasible. If he agrees to this, I have to trust that he's honoring it. This is what I came up with:

A). You must end all contact with Crystal. No calls, no morning coffee. Nothing.
They have coffee together in his office every morning. He has a fancy coffee machine in his office that I've asked him to put in a common area before. A group of them pitch in and buy the Kcups and come in to his office for their coffee.
B). I have full access to phones, pc and fb account.
His phone is password protected and he changed the password when he found out I snooped. His FB account doesn't have the usual password he uses for EVERYTHING.
C). Marriage counseling with a therapist that is results oriented.
The person we are going to right now is very freudian and I don't like her at all. My individual therapist is the one that recommend the DB book and she recommended someone that is results oriented and she said he's phenomenal.
D). Do any necessary “homework” to strengthen our relationship.
Right now, as he said, he's not trying anything.
E). Send Crystal a letter of no contact signed by both of us.
Self explanatory.

I did something bad I can't undo this second. I unfriended him on FB so he can't see my posts. I thought better of doing that then realized that in order to undo it I have to friend him. I'm going to wait and see how long it takes him to notice. That can open up the conversation that not only will I friend him but I will give him full access to my account.

I feel exhilarated and anxious but that this is the right thing.

I don't agree with involving the kids. They are 12 and 16 yr old boys. I want to protect them. I believe letting them know we had a difficult time but worked through it with therapy is the right thing AFTER we've worked through these issues. This will also be a good way for me to involve his ex. She needs to know this is going on so we can work together for the kids. Again, I know she wants to see this work between us. I actually will have the opportunity to let her know tomorrow when I get the kids.

Thank you for giving me the courage and words to put to this. I know we can make it through this. I know we can!

[lovehurts]

Allen:

The ball is in motion - I've not slept a wink but I've sent some pretty poignant letters:

To her:
I'm asking you, again, to step away from my Husband and my family. Last time I did this, you said you didn't know what to say. I'm going to give you a few ideas. You can pick one of the following:

Say "yes I will stop violating your marriage and family and back off"

Say "I'm not a homewrecker and I will step aside"

Say "Yes, I can be an adult and I don't want things to go where they are headed... my self respect is more important than lies and escapism"

Say "Yes I will... Right this very minute... No more contact with your Husband at all... You have my solemn word"

Which one will it be?

Stop having coffee with him in the mornings. Stop answering his calls. Stop asking how our counseling sessions went. Stop keeping things going just to make yourself feel better. The fact that you "unfriended" me the day after I posted our wedding pictures said a lot. Why not before that? Why not when I first sent you the letter. It was a MONTH later. Is it hard to see? Is it hard to know that we share that history?

I was nice to you last week because I wanted to prove that I could look at you and talk to you without wanting to destroy you. I thought that when I saw you, I would feel rage. I didn't. I saw someone that has to go after another woman's husband and is justifying it some way in her own mind. I felt pity for you. I'm done playing nice until you TELL me you will step away.

I'm not some woman scorned. Quite the contrary, I am more confident, self-assured, self-aware and content with who I am than I've been in a VERY long time.

Step away.


To Friends:I've sent this to a couple of people that know both Gary and Crystal at work. Now I'm reaching out to friends and family that know just Gary and I. I'm asking of you, the same thing I asked of them. I can't go it alone...Sorry it's so long....I know he's going to be angry at me for reaching out to you in this way and airing our dirty laundry but the fact is, I can't be proud right now. I'm humbling myself and asking for help from you because he loves and respects you.

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail]
Subject:
Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2010 05:26:28 -0400

I am at a loss. I've begged Crystal to step away from my husband and she has refused to do it. I'm not sure what fantasy she has in her mind of him leaving me and living happily ever after, but the reality is, it's a bad place to start a relationship. Not to mention she'd have to deal with 2 ex wives and 3 step sons in addition to her own 2 year old son.

I knew about the affair about a month before I "caught" them although he denied it until he was backed into a corner. We have gone to counseling sessions but with a third person in our marriage, it's nearly impossible for us to make any headway. I'm reaching out to you because you know both of them. You see them. You know me. You know our family. You know how in love we were....I still am. I will do anything to save our family but I won't continue to stand for infidelity. It's not fair to me and it's certainly not the legacy I believe Gary wants to leave for his boys. I am giving Gary one more opportunity to end things with Crystal. Once that is done, it will take some really hard work on our part to mend what's went wrong. I'm willing to put that hard work into it, I've already started and made some great strides. I've been seeing an individual therapist and really working on getting myself into a balanced, self-aware place. It's gone so well that those that have no idea what's going on have actually commented that I look peaceful.

Please feel free to read through the attached facebook message. Note the dates and that Crystal did NOT commit to leaving us alone. She has been my "friend" on facebook for over 2 years. She decided to "unfriend me" not after the affair was revealed but after I posted wedding pictures of myself and Gary. I could go on to explain more, but my note to her says it all.

I'm not asking you to pick me over my husband or my husband over me or take sides. I'm simply asking that you choose to protect a marriage and a family over protecting and enabling an affair.

This is not comfortable for anyone, least of all, me. I have to swallow my pride and ask for help. I've tried to do this alone but the progress is very slow coming. My number is listed at the bottom of the post if you care to call. I'm not asking for pity, please understand, I'm passed that. I'm asking for your support in any way you can whether that be talk to Gary or talk to Crystal. Let them know that this is wrong and that Gary should come home to his family and at least TRY to make this work.


Between Crystal Griffith and You

Kat July 3 at 3:47am
Hi Crystal,

I want to start out by apologizing for calling you over and over yesterday. I was in a flurry of emotions that I'm still trying to sort out. I'm calm now, still hurting tremendously, but calm and rational. I'm not here to point fingers or place blame, I'm here to implore you to take a step back. I'm begging you, woman to woman, mother to mother, please consider our family. I left the final emotional saga of yesterday's events with 2 parting thoughts: 1). I'm not ready to give up. I still believe that our marriage is not beyond repair. 2). I don't think you are a bad person, I don't, Crystal. I don't "know" you, but what I know of you, you seem kind, considerate, loving and an overall really nice person. To be honest, I can see what someone would see in you. Crystal, I love my husband. I promised to love, honor and cherish him for better for worse. This is about the worst I can imagine, but I promised.

Gary is an amazing man, that is why I'm willing to fight for him and fight to save our marriage and our family. But with you being a part of this equation, it's close to impossible. I can't pretend that I know exactly what you are feeling but I can guess because you were me 10 years ago. I remember when I was going through my divorce and Gary was a part of my life, he gave me hope and love and support like I had never known. He made me feel better than I ever, EVER, had felt in my life. Beautiful, smart, funny, talented. When we were together, the world melted away. It was amazing. In fact, the feeling was so amazing, that I moved here to Akron where I knew no one but him, his kids and Judy. For a long time, Judy was my only friend in Akron. I moved here without a job, without family (who I am incredibly close to) and took a leap of faith that everything this amazing man was promising was true. For so much of our lives together, it was almost disgusting how in love we were. It lasted for quite some time but reality sets in, kids, bills, jobs, sick parents, etc. all start to make the magic just a little less sparkly. It's the old adage "getting caught in a rut" I'm not thrilled with the person I had become, but I have taken a very active approach to change things that were wrong. I also know I was not 100% to blame for the "rut" we were in. Again, I'm not here to place blame, but it's foolish to think that everything stemmed from my action or inaction alone.

Crystal, please let us continue to work out our issues, for Connor, for Max, for Trev and for me. If, when we've finished these counseling sessions, there is nothing left to salvage, I will graciously bow out. In my mind, if these sessions can't help us save our marriage, they will help us have a more amicable divorce.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and consider my point of view.
Kat

Crystal Griffith July 7 at 9:02am Report
Hi Kat,
I didn't realize you texted me until later in the day yesterday. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I'm still not really sure what to say, but I did receive this email and I did read it.
Thanks,
Crystal
Sent via Facebook Mobile

And to his exwife: this was her response: WOW! you really threw me for a loop. I had some knowledge that there was something going on as a mutual friend of ours sort of hinted at it. I had no idea it was so involved. I can confirm that this is very familiar behavior for Gary. I never went so far as to approach the women, but the situation is so similar it's eerie! I never had confirmation of a full fledged affair either and Gary continued to deny it even after it didn't matter anymore, but I always believed it. Max was only a baby and he would leave at night, I used to think about getting Josephine, Max's daytime babysitter, to come over and try to catch him, but in the end it really didn't matter because he acted like she was more important than anything I asked. I, too, used to beg him not to do what he was doing. That doesn't include the times that I actually caught him making out with people who I though were my friends, Kenna and Linda.

I could go on for a while, but I have to get to work! Needless to say I know how you feel. I encourage you to fight. Gary has some very serious problems, but I would like to see you work through this.

[lovehurts]

and this to him:
You are having an affair, you know it is wrong and part of you wants to end it but you can't seem to stop.



How do you end the affair?



I'm going to approach this topic from two perspectives, the emotional and the concrete.



First a little background, regardless of the excuses/justifications for your affair, the answer to your underlying problems is not to have an affair. An affair is an easy way to cover up the problem just as is substances abuse, shopping addictions, or various other activities in which we engage to hide our pain or problems.



But often when one is in the midst of the affair one can't see it. Why?



Because those endorphins that flood our brain during the attraction phase of a relationship are POWERFUL. It feels fabulous to be in that stage of romance. We like it and it is rather like an addiction, pulling us onwward and nearly controlling our thoughts and desires. We feel creative, sexy, wild, empowered, and we have more energy that we ever though possible.



Sometimes the lure of someone new seems better than one's long term relationship that may have moved out of that wild and crazy attraction phase. Maybe the relationship has wilted and suffered over the years. Perhaps the daily demands of a family have thwarted the passion and love that once existed.



So, yes it is not always easy to pull oneself away from an affair, but it is possible and you can do it.



Somewhere deep down, people know an affair is not the answer, nor is it the decent, healthy, honest, moral, or holy way to live.*



So how does one end the affair?



First lets talk about the emotional component.



Start by bringing into your mind the heartache that WILL come when the affair is discovered. Affairs don't usually end until the people are caught. (Unless you read this article and stop the affair today). Think about the pain your spouse will be in when she/he discovers what you are doing. Think of the heartache, the sorrow, the devastation. Think of your children and how they will feel about you. Think about how it may be to actually end your marriage, the divorce, the sorrow, the consequences in every area of your life.



Now, it is easy to dismiss all this but I want you to take it into your heart and ponder it for a while. Allow yourself to really feel what it will be like. Where will you be when you have the discussion to divorce? How will you tell your children you were unfaithful to your family? Where will you live after the divorce? How often will you get to see your children? How will your parents and friends feel about you? What consequences may come forth in your religious experience? Keep in mind that the person with whom you are having an affair will not seem so wonderful to you once that attraction phase is gone, and in spite of your belief that he or she is your soul mate, those emotions are a result of the endorphins currently flooding your brain... nothing else.



Remember the fact that an affair is a selfish behavior that puts your pleasure over the love of your spouse, children, and family; and in most cases over ones sense of morality and decency.



Now, please remember this:



This is not a time to feel sad and remorseful because your affair is ending. You do not mourn or whine. It is a time to celebrate that you have the strength to make the right decision. It is a time to praise yourself that you care more about your family than you do about the affair. Rejoice that you have made a decision that will save your marriage and allow you to recommit to your life partner.



Now, lets discuss the concrete dynamics of ending an affair.



You stop the affair today. Right now.You get up your strength, clear your head, and right now decide it has ended. You don't need to meet one more time, you don't need to explain anything to anyone.You just stop.You call and tell the person it is over and that is it. No elaborate conversation, no tears, no excuses or reasons or justifications. You are clear and blunt and decisive. (I'm not suggesting one is rude or cruel but there is no need for discussion, indeed it is not appropriate and may make it more difficult).



For example:



"I have decided to end this affair and will no longer be seeing you. I wish you the best."



Simple. Memorize the above if you need to. Or come up with a simple statement of your own but be clear and strong.



If you are having an affair with a co-worker or someone you see on a regular basis, do what you can to remove yourself from the situation.



You never allow yourself to be alone with the person again. NEVER. You do everything possible to NOT see the person or engage in a relationship of any sort.



You do not keep seeing each other as friends, you do not allow for temptation, you do not keep it going in your heart.



It is over. Done. Finished.



Promise yourself that from this moment on you will invest in your marriage, make it wonderful, find fulfillment in your family. You will do everything that is necessary to have a healthy and happy marriage.



You can do it! I know you can!



Today!







*Whether one frames the experience in religious or secular terms, there is a sense of living in dishonesty and guilt that is clearly uncomfortable.

[lovehurts]

Ball is in motion and I feel more in control that I have in a VERY long time! Thank you!