I played this scenario out in my mind as well. Last week when I picked up our son from his internship (with her) I played out in my mind that I would quietly go in her office and say "I'm not here to cause a scene but I need answers. I'm faced with a decision and before I make that decision I need all of the pieces of the puzzle in front of me. I need to gather facts. Do you have any intentions of stepping away from my husband?" I figured her answer would help me make a better decision. I didn't do any of that. I asked her to look after him and make sure he knew where the lunch room was. I let her know he loved the project he's working on. OMG! I'm a doormat.
I have an opportunity to go back in on Wed morning when I drop our son off - H will be in the office that afternoon - I could easily go up there and demand she stay away. That would also be a good time to involve the other coworker and ask her for support in making him see what a mistake he's making. This still scares me and feels counterDB.
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
The distinction is that you don't tell him what he can or cannot do... you simply tell him what YOU will accept in your life.
I will not accept an open marriage. I will not accept you two-timing me.
This is much different than
Stop two-timing me! I said NO open marriage you jerk!
Factual points. Saying it is wrong will not get you anywhere. Telling him his sons are devastated. Telling him hes hurting half a dozen people AGAIN by doing this... real life practical truth quickly and concisely and then EXIT
You don't debate it, you say it and walk away.
If you can get as many family members IN the LOOP on it as you can and confront him as a family that's even better... Hard to do but even better.
Sounds like an intervention?
It is...
YOu've been in this position.. if you had to face all of that head on what would you do?
There are two schools of thought on this thread HK...
One is a softball approach that basically says if you are teh more attractive option they will gradually return... Avoid doing anything to antagonize your spouse and wait out the affair...
The other is a hardball approach much like I am describing. Basically acknowledging that the affair isn't a casual choice like bowling but a selfish and powerful addiction that needs aggressive tactics to shake them out of thier excitement high
MWD usually advocates the former... There are other family therapists that advocate the latter, particularly those that specialize in addictions - infidelity or otherwise
If you can accept inidelity as an addiction then softball isn't your game...
Exposure is what I am talking about and its touted around very commonly here.
By exposure we mean you reveal the affair to anyone who may put pressure on the affair partners to end the affair
Spouses Children Friends Extended family OW's workplace OW or even your H's HR dept if its a workplace affair
You make four things clear
a. You want to save your marriage b. You want your H to cooperate with a family therapist c. You want your H to end his affair and all contact with AP c. You cannot allow yourself to be treated this way and ask for support of any kind that will enforce A, B, or C above
You reveal to these people your boundaries I laid out earlier about cell phone usage etc so everyone knows your goals, yoru plans, and your terms
If its one united front it will shake him up a lot more than you alone
When anyone tells you they dont' want to take sides you tell them this :
I am not asking you to choose my husband over me or me over my husband. I am asking you to choose to protect our marriage rather than protecting and enabling an affair
Anyone who talks to the OW, anyone who befriends the OW, anyone who lets OW into their lives or their homes is supporting a marital predator.
You tell them you need them to cut her out... its nto a lot to ask.. they jsut have to STOP contating her and ignore her calls... THey CAN confront her if they feel like, but a simple shut down will do fine if that's easier
Most people want to avoid unomfortable situations, so describe theiri supportas mnimal in terms of discomfort.
Its very important that they know they are helping both of you when they support your plan and that they aren't HURTING your H they are HELPING him
This is basic addiction protocols, if you are familiar at all this shold all be pretty easy to translate to infidelity... liquor,drugs, gambling, shopping, crime, its all the same.. its an exciting escape that will gradually destroy your life.. its an unhealthy lifestyle that will eat away at you until there's nothing left to feed on
I didn't say anything back to her. This was all via FB. I haven't called or bugged her again. Lie - I called her office phone to make sure she was at the office and not in Japan with him.
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
I played this scenario out in my mind as well. Last week when I picked up our son from his internship (with her) I played out in my mind that I would quietly go in her office and say "I'm not here to cause a scene but I need answers. I'm faced with a decision and before I make that decision I need all of the pieces of the puzzle in front of me. I need to gather facts. Do you have any intentions of stepping away from my husband?" I figured her answer would help me make a better decision. I didn't do any of that. I asked her to look after him and make sure he knew where the lunch room was. I let her know he loved the project he's working on. OMG! I'm a doormat.
I have an opportunity to go back in on Wed morning when I drop our son off - H will be in the office that afternoon - I could easily go up there and demand she stay away. That would also be a good time to involve the other coworker and ask her for support in making him see what a mistake he's making. This still scares me and feels counterDB.
It is counter to db... But it does work.. just read these forums...Read Hopeforus' recent thread to puppy.. just came in a few days ago... heavy exposure to his son about the mother and confrontation... it works
The co worker can spy for you to ensure your H is keeping no contact up...
The important thing here is NOT to NEGOTIATE.. you state your position and EXIT SLOWLY
Don't demand answers from OW... SH'es chasing after your H... she's a coward and a liar. She may find some maturity someday, but right NOW she hasn't grown up if she's willing to attack a marriage...
Sorry, i know it hurts to hear, but people who violate other marriages are cowards and liars... They woudln't do it in the open, they only do it in the dark in secret... Why?
a. They know its wrong b. They don't want to get caught c. They are afraid
So, expose it, bring it right out into the light of day and let the chips fall.
If you are going to confront her you do it wtih other coworkers present. Don't do it like a stand off... you list what she's done already and call her a coward and walk away... TEll her you will be back.
Don't let her ANYWHERE NEAR your kids... You need to be firm ont hat... If you are gracious or engaging of her in any way no one will give you any support...
You cut OW out and you don't use her for friendship, advice, favors, money or anything.. OUT
I didn't say anything back to her. This was all via FB. I haven't called or bugged her again. Lie - I called her office phone to make sure she was at the office and not in Japan with him.
Post a sample of your confrontation with the four points on facebook
Expose her by name and what she's doing to your marriage.
Do NOT attack your H at all... present HER as the predator to your marriage and the obstacle to its repair.
Invite everyone on faceboook to confront her and press her to end it.
Don't cry, don't name call, don't threaten... state the facts with maturity, dignity, and intelligence.
You want to appear as a model adult here while she gets accused of every childish act under the sun...
You are basicaly humiliating her in public.. slowly piece by piece until she caves
I'm not sure I'm ready for the hardball approach but I can start gathering my team. So far it's only been MY friends or people that he has little communication with. I don't know her friends but certainly we have mutual friends on the job.
I actually know his HR manager because it's what I do and we play in the same sandbox. I don't think they have a non-fraternizing rule because this sort of thing is somewhat common place there. I've thought about calling his boss, their boss, and asking him to not put them on projects together. One caveat that shouldn't matter was the day the bomb was dropped, he said, "please don't do anything to f^@k up my job". He's been there for 19 years and is highly respected and has a job most people only dream of. Travel, high profile events, rubbing elbows with famous people in the music industry, etc.
I've thought about calling his ex and asking for her support. I know she would be devastated to think of putting her sons through this. She knows how much I love them and how much they love me.
I'm heeding this advice and really contemplating my game strategy. I'll keep you posted.
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
THey don't need a non-fraternizing rule... this is infidelity.. He isnt' dating a fellow employee.. He's having an affair with a co-worker and this ins't good for public image... MOST businesses would be smart enough to put a STOP to it if they get the slightest chance it could go PUBLIC
Definitely if his xwife is a good friend of yorus call her and let her know what he's donig.. AGAIN
Dont ask her for support, just let her know...
HOPEFULLY they will all call your H and he will be DEVASTATED you ruined his exciting little secret and blew it into an embarassing public scandal.
You've been here... Just imagine what is the LAST thing YOU want to happen... and make it happen to OW
The MORE STRESS you bring into HER LIFE the less FUN the affair is and the more HASSLE it becomes.. tha'ts how they drop them... It isn't by reasoning or logic or asking them nicely.. OP end affairs when its NO LONGER WORTH THE STRESS anymore
If its an exciting secret and no one knows yet.. they will keep it up... GET IN THE MIDDLE oF IT AND RUIN IT for them...
Think about high school and parents... they get in teh MIDDLE of things to keep their kids on the straight and narrow...
