The distinction is that you don't tell him what he can or cannot do... you simply tell him what YOU will accept in your life.
I will not accept an open marriage. I will not accept you two-timing me.
This is much different than
Stop two-timing me! I said NO open marriage you jerk!
Factual points. Saying it is wrong will not get you anywhere. Telling him his sons are devastated. Telling him hes hurting half a dozen people AGAIN by doing this... real life practical truth quickly and concisely and then EXIT
You don't debate it, you say it and walk away.
If you can get as many family members IN the LOOP on it as you can and confront him as a family that's even better... Hard to do but even better.
Sounds like an intervention?
It is...
YOu've been in this position.. if you had to face all of that head on what would you do?
There are two schools of thought on this thread HK...
One is a softball approach that basically says if you are teh more attractive option they will gradually return... Avoid doing anything to antagonize your spouse and wait out the affair...
The other is a hardball approach much like I am describing. Basically acknowledging that the affair isn't a casual choice like bowling but a selfish and powerful addiction that needs aggressive tactics to shake them out of thier excitement high
MWD usually advocates the former... There are other family therapists that advocate the latter, particularly those that specialize in addictions - infidelity or otherwise
If you can accept inidelity as an addiction then softball isn't your game...
Exposure is what I am talking about and its touted around very commonly here.
By exposure we mean you reveal the affair to anyone who may put pressure on the affair partners to end the affair
Spouses Children Friends Extended family OW's workplace OW or even your H's HR dept if its a workplace affair
You make four things clear
a. You want to save your marriage b. You want your H to cooperate with a family therapist c. You want your H to end his affair and all contact with AP c. You cannot allow yourself to be treated this way and ask for support of any kind that will enforce A, B, or C above
You reveal to these people your boundaries I laid out earlier about cell phone usage etc so everyone knows your goals, yoru plans, and your terms
If its one united front it will shake him up a lot more than you alone
When anyone tells you they dont' want to take sides you tell them this :
I am not asking you to choose my husband over me or me over my husband. I am asking you to choose to protect our marriage rather than protecting and enabling an affair
Anyone who talks to the OW, anyone who befriends the OW, anyone who lets OW into their lives or their homes is supporting a marital predator.
You tell them you need them to cut her out... its nto a lot to ask.. they jsut have to STOP contating her and ignore her calls... THey CAN confront her if they feel like, but a simple shut down will do fine if that's easier
Most people want to avoid unomfortable situations, so describe theiri supportas mnimal in terms of discomfort.
Its very important that they know they are helping both of you when they support your plan and that they aren't HURTING your H they are HELPING him
This is basic addiction protocols, if you are familiar at all this shold all be pretty easy to translate to infidelity... liquor,drugs, gambling, shopping, crime, its all the same.. its an exciting escape that will gradually destroy your life.. its an unhealthy lifestyle that will eat away at you until there's nothing left to feed on
