Stop apologizing for your behavior. Go read No More Mr Nice Guy again CD. Apologizing for being distant in the meeting? This is you seeking her approval and your fear of doing something which might make her like you less.
CD, it's about you and NOT her. This woman is having an A on you. Knock, knock.
Yep. This was the weak part that made me feel sick as I drove away. Mad at myself for going down that road.
Originally Posted By: Steady
I think you could have left out the whole conversation after the meeting.
We had some details to work out but I "saw something" during the meeting I wanted to check on. I saw a sadness/fear. In restrospect, I should have stayed on task.
I am sorry I hurt you now. I am sorry for a lot of things I've said and done in our marriage. I accept my complete 50% responsibility for the state of our marriage.
Originally Posted By: Steady
Did you ever tell her this before? If you did, you don't need to repeat it again.
Honestly, I don't believe I have with as much sincerity. I'm sure I said something similar after the bomb but likely came off as 'pleading/apologizing/anything to change this'
Originally Posted By: Steady
...this is really weak. You lost some respect for this one.... I wouldn't even bring the old - well, if things change let me know - stance.
Yeah , again, I got "some" stuff I needed out there but just didn't hardline it enough. I got "soft" when I saw her 'hurt'
In retrospect, what about MY HURT, right?
I gotta get stronger. Not what I wanted but better than what I would have done before DB. I just have to take how I feel NOT with her and carry it into dealing WITH her.
"Hold On to Your N.U.T.S" is on the way. Hopefully ingrained before NEXT meeting.
And thanks for this:
Originally Posted By: Steady
Don't apologize for 'making' her cry. You can't 'make' her cry.
CD don't knock yourself. I'm a firm believer that things happen the way they happen - period. If they were supposed to happen a different way they would have.
The comments here aren't there to somehow 'punish' you but rather there to show you where you might do things different. So don't pick them up like weapons to beat yourself up with. You've done enough of that over your lifetime.
Ok, you probed because you saw 'something' in the meeting. So be it. You did what you did because you did it. Who knows ultimately why? Maybe so you don't do it the next time? Maybe so you do because it will look different? No one can ever answer that. Our lives and all the people and events are so complex we can never truly know what the effects are for everything we say and do. It's way too complex.
CD how long have you actually been here on the boards? If I remember correctly you changed your name right? Have you only been here for 2 months?
Overall I think you did great. You are working it. Nobody ever does it perfectly.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Hi, Steady. Yeah, I guess two months to the day, eh? I changed my name at the start of this thread. I only had on one before and that was up to the confirmation of the A a month ago.
It's one of my "habits" to expect too much of myself. Yes, textbook NMMNG. I know. I was kidding myself thinking I would be able to pull off an Alen or Gucci or Puppy only a month after the A was confirmed.
I was just disappointed that I didn't get "full value" for the meeting. But as we know, I should have been in it for ME, not her, right?
Learning.
In proper perspective, I did well enough for only two months at this. Could have/should have been better but I allowed her to affect me. And that is a habit I have to break. And smoking
There will be other meetings. And better experiences. I have to remember that this entire process is FOR me. I have to plan what I WANT out of the meeting and stick to the tasks.
And it wouldn't hurt to try to be pleasant during the experience. A smile now and then would be good. But because I feel confident it is right not for her benefit.
Tough to "be the better option" without trying to do it for her.
I need to get "her" out of my mind as the best option for me. Right now, she isn't.
Well that's perfectly understandable CD. Nothing wrong with having high expectations as long as you don't go down if they aren't met.
I'm sitting here typing out a response to my W's response to my motion to dismiss her Divorce Petition on grounds. That's a mouthful. And of course, as I go through her complaint I get both memories of good things and bad. It all whirls around. I've had to go back through my threads (all compiled on a single Word document) to pick out dates and things I wrote. It's kind of tough because I'm reading through some of it and it brings back those memories of where I was back then.
It's actually kind of sad. It's not getting me really down, just bringing back old memories of this sitch and what I went through and the hard work I did trying to pull it all back together.
There will be good days and bad days. Just take em in and keep moving.
You're doing great for a two-monther. I would have guessed you've been at this for a year or more.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I think the main reason you've come so far so fast in all of this, CD, is because you've been a good learner! You've taken what you've been told and APPLIED it, not just listened to it. Even when it was counter to what you were feeling, you did what Puppy or others have advised you to do. That's why I say a page or 2 back that action is what is most important. The actions lead you when your feelings don't. You've been a great student and it shows!
Even with the apologizing for your 50%: that's something I advised some time ago and stick by. I agree that once you've done that you don't need to repeat that. You do it once - sincerely - and then it's time to move past it.
You're doing great and have come a LONG way in a short time! Be proud of that!
It's one of my "habits" to expect too much of myself. Yes, textbook NMMNG. I know. I was kidding myself thinking I would be able to pull off an Alen or Gucci or Puppy only a month after the A was confirmed.
CD,
For the record, one more after my wife's affair was confirmed, she was DEEP into it, still DEEP into her "DECEIT" stage (lying to not only me, but to our adult daughters AND her parents about it, despite my ironclad evidence!), and I was meeting with an attorney to initiate a petition for divorce.
It was only after actually FILING for divorce, and having a major RE-CONFRONTATION with her about the deceit (with more evidence in tow), and two additional months (3 total) that she asked back into the marriage.
For the record, one more after my wife's affair was confirmed, she was DEEP into it, still DEEP into her "DECEIT" stage (lying to not only me, but to our adult daughters AND her parents about it, despite my ironclad evidence!), and I was meeting with an attorney to initiate a petition for divorce.
It was only after actually FILING for divorce, and having a major RE-CONFRONTATION with her about the deceit (with more evidence in tow), and two additional months (3 total) that she asked back into the marriage.
Puppy
Timing is everything. Having the boundary at the right time is crucial. Prior to that it will push her furthur away.
Thanks for taking the time to respond while in the middle of your own "chit pile"
I didn't sleep particularly well (replaying "the tape" in my head) but by the time on your post you apparenrly didn't sleep at all.
I also mentally reviewed a pile of things that a lot of my "new friends' have written on this board and the one thing that I kept seeing was your mention of TIME.
It's early in the game. I need to adjust my perspective on this to be more patient with myself. I need to remember that I am rebuilding my entire life here.
This is about much more than the divorce. This is about other R's as well as this one. This is about deleting what "they did" in the R's and focusing on what I did .This is about analyzing how and why I'm in this situation. What is it about ME that led me to be in this position?
Then UNDERSTAND AND CORRECT those unhealthy views, tendencies, habits and reactions. It's gonna take more than two months to get them right.
