On two ends of the world..

[ris]

So, as promised, my thoughts.
Overall, even though it's somehow late, it doesn't seem to be that bad. I don't want to sound careless, but while I was waiting for my account to be validated, I read some stories and it seemed to me that ours is not so "advanced". We're still talking, there were no immediate demands of D (apart from the email bit, but I think that was an emotional reaction for the most part), he did say he loves me, though the no attraction part worries me and frankly it hurts. I don't know if I'm being naive, but I'm blaming it on other factors than just "the spark is gone". I think it's more of the fact that there are things that are suppressing it: the perspective of living together (oh, also I quote "the idea of having sex with only one person for the rest of my life". He says that "every man is scared of that"), stress, depression, well the boring sex (though I was told by my friend that there's really no such thing as boring sex between two people in love. Food for thought), other things I don't know about?

The bad part is that we're 10+ hours flight away from each other. I'm pretty sure I won't bump into him anywhere!

I haven't read the book yet, but reading the forum gave me a brief overview and I'm trying to GAL. I want do try 180 too, but I think I need more substantial information about it.

I have tried to come up with a list of his possible complaints about me and I did get a few but I'm drawing blanks. And it's not because I think I'm great, but I really try to do my best and it's hard for me to put a finger on what exactly annoys him... because I have best intentions but somehow it doesn't come across as that to him. So I need to figure out what he sees. There are also things that he either likes or not, depending on the situation. Just difficult to pinpoint. If someone has some tips on how to do this examination of my own behaviour, I'd be grateful!

Now, about the communication issues, which are in my opinion to blame for boring sex... I feel we don't really talk very openly about it. We do talk, but only about things that we know are "safe". It's much harder to bring up something that you don't know what the other person will think about. And here is where in my opinion being apart plays a big role. Once we feel safe enough to start being vulnerable like this, we have to part again.

Similarly, with regular communication - I am, well, an avoider. Hard to admit. But it's really hard for me to bring up subjects that will spark discontent and I only do it when I have to. Also, I don't like talking about negative things. I don't even let myself think about them. And certainly I don't like whining to my H about my bad day at work when I know his was 10 times worse... Is that really bad? How do I stop?

Also I made this little project for myself. I decided to try and tell H about how I feel, without first considering twice whether he will like it or not. So I took a notebook and I'm trying to make notes when I think of something pertinent. Saturday morning and Sunday morning I wrote him short emails about how I feel about communication, admitting that I avoid topics, etc. It was a small step for me.
Now I want to continue writing them, because before whenever I tried to be open, it didn't really get noticed and it fizzled. So I'm making it a point not to stop. The trouble is that I really need it to be a dialogue, because otherwise it will just either turn into a list of my complaints (since most of what I was withholding was negative things) or I'll just run out of material. Ideally, I would like it to turn into a constructive discussion. But I don't know. I'm afraid that I will run out of material anyway, because not every day a thing happens or a topic comes up that you can have a deep discussion about?
I also want to bring up R issues and from my readings of the forum it's not a good idea? I wanted to enquire deeper about the living together issue because I feel I don't get the bottom of it. Please advise!

Also, why do I feel like I have to make all these efforts to improve myself when clearly he has some work to do too? I just need a wise answer for this is that I can motivate myself!