Thanks, Greek. The "game" isn't over til it's over. But I still need to do what I need to do for D and I. If my W happens to see what she has done and choose more wisely, then I'll have another decision to make. But until then, the decision is made.
I appreciate your visits and support.
And I remember me in the beginning, too. Desperate and lost. And completely without "self". I didn't know what I actually wanted but all I knew is "not this". Now I know what I want FOR ME and D. It's my W's choice to travel with us. . . .or not. And her series of choices make me question whether we want her to come along. She has a lot of catching up to do.
I'm glad you are doing well and operating from a position of strength! I know that doesn't mean there still isn't sadness, but it sure beats feeling your life is at the mercy of someone else.
Well, all I can say is that I feel much better. I certainly have a better mindset than I did. I am "thinking" the right things.It's simply now going to be a matter of acting the same. And for the most part I'm doing well.
I just know it will be more difficult face to face. I haven't seen my W in 10 days. And I'm gonna start at a mediator today so the D will be topic of coversation. I just have to keep "my future" (which I can happily picture in my head) in my mind.
I need to stay on task and keep thse things in mind-
-everything she asks doesn't require an answer (thanks, Sandi2!) -I KNOW I have to protect D2 and I. -it will be easier/less stressful when the sep Agrement is done -W is likely having less fun than she was. A's burn out -the less she gets from me, the more she has to rely on OM. And he isn't capable. -I have the best support network -listen more; talk less -speak with a smile and confidence -need to get her to sign a bank doc and give me a pay stub NOW -I have the interim banking figured out; dose of reality
Well, today was interesting. Met with the mediator (who we probably won't use)
I was originally disappointed with my handling of the meeting but now I think it wasn't so bad.
It began a little tense (even the mediator noted it). There were a couple of "exchanges" of remarks. She was sticking to the "Slept apart since August" for the grounds. I clearly stated "adultery" She mentioned our unofficial Sep Agreement and the preference of no lawyers. She "had to laugh that we'de require one anyway even at F^irway" I said "I also laugh becasue I know you have paid for a lawyer already"
However, about halfway through, RobX's quote came out of me in bits and pieces. Specifically, I said-
Though divorce is my last option, at this point I am not interested in reconciling.
I do love my wife. She is the mother of my daughter. But I am not IN love with her. ANd I have no interest in being with someone who doesn't want me.
-then the waterworks started. Mediator excused himself and she went to the washroom. I asked her what the problem was.
"That was the nicest thing you have said to me in so many months. I'd never heard you say that about Calla and I"
So where I thought it was about the "I'm not in love with her" it was actually the first part. I felt awful cause she was right.
From then on we reviewed the interim banking spreadsheet and she agreed to it. She brought the paystub I had asked for AND signed the bank paper I asked for.
So, we leave and go outside to talk about a few things. She was quite forward with what "we" needed to do regarding disclosure paper and banking stuff/taxes.
So I said (and I'm waiting for some 2x4's)
M"I'm sorry I made you cry. W: "I don't want to think about it" M: Why not? W:Because it hurt me to hear it now M:I am sorry I hurt you now. I am sorry for a lot of things I've said and done in our marriage. I accept my complete 50% responsibility for the state of our marriage. W:You probably aren't even that much. M:I am sorry if I seem distant in there. This is all business and protecting myself for Calla. I have a lot of things I would like to tell you but I can't let my emotions guide me right now. Divorce is my last option but you decided to skip to the endgame. Until the affair is over, I have to pursue this divorce for my own health. You crossed a major boundary with me and I now have a huge trust issue right now and my door is closed. But what you must know is that if you end the affair, you can knock on the door and I'd be willing to discuss it further"
We tidied up a few details on stuff and I said goodbye. I told her I'd call the other nediator as I felt it should be quicker and less expensive than F^irway. She agreed.
I was surprised by a lot of things. -I told her I was going to try to stay in our little town. She said the same. Surprised me. -She said she wanted to quit smoking again. I said the same. -She was NOT as tough or proud as before. -This was a close to my original wife as I can recall. -I believe I gained some respect back.
That's all I have for now.
She has sent a few little texts on details. And thanked me for some cigarettes I gave her.
I'm expecting some lumber, perhaps.
But I'd like some opininions on whether I actively try to keep up the mini-confronttions or let it simmer.
It's hard when you see the old them come out a bit isn't it? I kinda hate seeing it - makes it easier to detach when I only see the witch side.
What's that about - "She was right" - regarding comment about her and your daughter?
Stop apologizing for your behavior. Go read No More Mr Nice Guy again CD. Apologizing for being distant in the meeting? This is you seeking her approval and your fear of doing something which might make her like you less.
CD, it's about you and NOT her. This woman is having an A on you. Knock, knock.
I think you could have left out the whole conversation after the meeting. That's my thoughts.
No 2x4, but if you look at what you wrote
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Well, all I can say is that I feel much better. I certainly have a better mindset than I did. I am "thinking" the right things.It's simply now going to be a matter of acting the same. And for the most part I'm doing well.
I just know it will be more difficult face to face. I haven't seen my W in 10 days. And I'm gonna start at a mediator today so the D will be topic of coversation. I just have to keep "my future" (which I can happily picture in my head) in my mind.
I need to stay on task and keep thse things in mind-
-everything she asks doesn't require an answer (thanks, Sandi2!) -I KNOW I have to protect D2 and I. -it will be easier/less stressful when the sep Agrement is done -W is likely having less fun than she was. A's burn out -the less she gets from me, the more she has to rely on OM. And he isn't capable. -I have the best support network -listen more; talk less -speak with a smile and confidence -need to get her to sign a bank doc and give me a pay stub NOW -I have the interim banking figured out; dose of reality
Thanks, Sunny.
7 hours til mediator.
Well...geez....I posted a whole long response to this earlier today and now I don't see it posted! My laptop was acting screwy though, so who knows! Oh well... too late for my advice anyway, with the upcoming mediator meeting because now it's already happened.
I am sorry I hurt you now. I am sorry for a lot of things I've said and done in our marriage. I accept my complete 50% responsibility for the state of our marriage.
Did you ever tell her this before? If you did, you don't need to repeat it again. (At least not until she shows up at the playing field to reconcile - when she owns hers, you can repeat you owning yours)
If you look at what you wrote about after the meeting - be honest about what your intention was to have that conversation. I mean brutally honest.
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
But what you must know is that if you end the affair, you can knock on the door and I'd be willing to discuss it further"
Ok this is really weak. You lost some respect for this one. How about, 'You crossed a boundary when you started your affair. I'm not interested in having an open marriage..and to be perfectly blunt I'm not really sure how I feel about a married woman having an affair except I think it's disgusting.'
I wouldn't even bring the old - well, if things change let me know - stance. I mean think about it. If you were in a R with a woman who you are leaving, she says to you, "Big CD Bear, if you ever change you're mind just call me up." How do you feel about this person? Now lets say you're cheating on this woman and she says the same thing to you...how does that sound to you? Like a strong woman or a desperate woman?
CD, bottom line is it went the way it was supposed to go. No one can tell you what was and wasn't planted or fruitful in the meeting. I'm just pointing out some things.
Don't apologize for 'making' her cry. You can't 'make' her cry.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Well, CD, it's hard to do everything right and say everything right 100% of the time with these battles. Steady is right in that there is no need for you to apologize. But, if you left feeling like you stood your ground of self-respect that is the main thing. There's a lot of times we wish we would've handled something a little differently but there are many chances to win future skirmishes, so to speak. A lot of times people don't remember the specifics of what we said anyway, they remember the "feeling" of the exchange. If you left her feeling like CD was a man in control of his own destiny who respects himself, that's the most important thing.
Pretty good CD, although I agree with the others in that you need to lose a bit more of the open door mat presentation.
One of the phrases I told my W as she was burning bridges with me and others was that she was making a sh!t sandwich and she was going to have to eat it someday. She had never heard of that term before and thought it a bit vulgar but funny. Later on, when consequences started to hit her, she told me that myself and others must be laughing because she was having to eat her sandwich.
