They key point was commitment to financial disclosure (no secrets), risky choices are agreed on as a couple (large expenditures and visits to membes of opposite sex), etc... There was a lot to draw on I was shocked
he never hid anything from me. i did the filing at home so i had access to all of the credit card bills, statements, etc.
the one thing i didn't have access to was his investment account. and his father did. this is where his father gambled away a lot of his money. when h viewed his account, that's when i saw the losses.
his father felt guilty once for losing his son's money. took money out of his own account and put it in my h's account to try and earn that money back. that money was lost on a bad stock tip too. his father has the nuts to ask his son to pay for the interest on the money that was taken from his father's account. <does that make sense?>
his parents would often float him large sums of money when he needed it. he would pay them back but there are debts that he owes them that are 15 yrs old and not a penny was ever paid back.
we talked about my h's immaturity and this was another example of his immaturity. he didn't know the definition of financial independence.
Sex and money is managed as a couple in a good marriage. Choices are made in that area as a couple, not independently.
Your husband's issue isn't financial independence as much as familial independence... He isn't supposed to be independent financiall.. he should be working with you as a couple financially.. Telling him to be financially independent is akin to telling him he should be sexually independent.
He has'tn broken free of his parents' grasp... They coddle him and he allows it...
YOur H has issues and his parents are terrible enablers.. its a huge battle to have to fight there...
WHen you marry you shift your attachments from your parent to your spouse while maintaining respect for both... financial and sexual attachments should shift in a healthy marriage
Your H hasn't accepted this shift... It is betrayal, I wouldn't second guess that at all
Just knowing what he's doing doens't make it any less invasive... There are a lot of spouses on here who know their WS is cheating on them, but they still feel incredibly violated...
If your husband isn't working with you as aa couple then he's cheating... sexually or financially it makes little difference
Sex and money is managed as a couple in a good marriage. Choices are made in that area as a couple, not independently.
i have a lot to learn as well. i didn't dictate how he spent his money. but i would put my foot down when i thought it was getting out of hand. he would listen and not put up a fight.
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He isn't supposed to be independent financiall.. he should be working with you as a couple financially
agreed. that makes more sense.
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He has'tn broken free of his parents' grasp... They coddle him and he allows it...
it's sickening to watch them coddle him. oh poor him. his wife is treating him poorly. mommy made six dozen chocolate chip cookies to make you feel better.
the way h sees it is that i don't understand the bond between him and his parents. ever since his father had a heart attack, they have been gotten closer. but to me, i love my parents just as much. there is no difference between the bond i have with my parents.
parents dying is part of reality. it will happen. but that's not an excuse to put your parents ahead of your wife, is it?
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WHen you marry you shift your attachments from your parent to your spouse while maintaining respect for both... financial and sexual attachments should shift in a healthy marriage
that's all i have been asking for. i'm not saying he had to abandon his parents. i understand they need him but i need to know that i am first priority. when he said "if anything happens to me .. oh my poor parents." your poor parents? what about me? i'm your wife! that's how i know that i'm not first priority. he had the nerve to say to me that i had to put him first because his mommy said so because i was his wife now. but where's the second half of that statement where he has to put me first as well?
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Your H hasn't accepted this shift... It is betrayal, I wouldn't second guess that at all
not, he hasn't. and this is at the root of my anger.
you can expose an A. how do you expose this? it's still a betrayal where a third party has negatively impacted our marriage. it seemed like his clingy-ness to his parents got stronger in the last few years. when we were dating, he wasn't like this. i was his main focus and we had fun together.
Your H will go Mid Life Crisis on you for sure... And then the affair will start for sure too
in other words, i'd be back on here. lovely. i know this is the reality but y'know .. why bother db-ing? i love my h very much. he deserves better than this.
i only want him to see that putting me first doesn't mean disrespecting his parents. they need to respect our boundaries as well. yes, our home is their home too but not literally. you do not make us follow your rules in our house. but you can make us follow your rules in your own house - which i am happy to do. but that's a two way street.
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Your husband never learned what marriage is... His parents don't even know for God's sake do they?
Do his parents bicker with each other at all? How does their marriage function?
they have been married for over 40 yrs. mil has an anxiety disorder and a bit of ocd. she is a germiphobe. h and fil have tolerated her crazy behaviour and they let her rule the roost because they are afraid she'll cry. it drives everybody nuts but nobody will say anything.
i had a conversation with fil once. he told me that he has no friends. and the reason why he has no friends is because mil made them feel unwelcomed in their home. he once asked his friends to come over and they said no. they didn't feel welcomed. so they stopped coming around. to this day, he has no friends who drop by for a visit. mil on the other hand has a handful of friends. her friends have sons/daughters. and she is jealous of the friends who have great relationships with their children, and she flaunts her relationship with her son to friends who's children do not call very often.
one christmas, she successfully convinced us not to go to h's friends' christmas party. she wanted us all to herself because we didn't see them that often. i could see that she was trying to get rid of h's friends from taking a chunk of our time.
now it's my turn. she's basically convinced my h that i'm a bad person. she once posted a note outside our home door and said that the door was unlocked and that my h was sleeping upstairs. i kindly asked her not to post such notes for her own safety. she turned it around and balled in front of my h and told him that i was mean. she said she was afraid of me and that i was threatening. i couldn't believe it.
to me, it just seems like she's trying to control who her husband and son can and cannot see. it was only a matter of time where she would kick me out of the nest too.
fil would visit us without her because he needed a break from her. he loved her but he said her antics are driving him crazy. she will attempt to knit a hat, ask him to count the stitches 3 times, she will count them herself 3 times, knit the hat to completion, take it apart, and start over. it takes three rounds of this before she completes a hat.
she would nag her husband about household chores. every day there would be 6 loads of laundry to fold. she would wash the towels everyday to prevent germs from spreading. he'd be folding frayed and tattered bath towels on a daily basis. he would tolerate for 4 days and then on day 5, he'd blow up. they would stop talking. and by day 7, they would be talking again and the cycle continues. she nags him about his diet and this causes him to act out by going to the local greasy spoon and having junk.
she uses death to manipulate everyone. fil might die. his diet is terrible. but i'll allow him to eat junk because you never know when he might bite the big one. very passive aggressive.
she is also like my h that she cannot make a decision on her own. she consults with 10 people before she makes a decision. on this board, many have said that a man who cannot make a decision is very unattractive. well, that's my h too.
she's very controlling but she masquerades it as "she's only trying to help" and she'll cry because nobody appreciates the fact that she's just trying to help.
a lot of this is about my mil. i was actually okay with my fil. he was your typical blue collar retiree. smart man. and great to talk to. but fil, h, and i often felt controlled at their home. we weren't allowed to relax and enjoy ourselves because there was lots to do.
Yep, and your H saw his father behave and he does the same thing pretty much...lets her control him by crying...
THe point of dbing isnt just to get your spouse back.. It's for you to win yourself back... To find the person that got lost somewhere in teh marriage...
That's the great part, even if your sopuse doens't come home, you still win... YOu are a full person while your spouse has a mountain of baggage, no marriage education, and hides cowardly in a home elsewhere...
You grow stronger for dbing even if your spouse doens't come home.. if you do dbing well and make teh most of your time away from him.. If you sit in your home and pine away then you arne't any better than he is
The point of dbing is to win yourself back, and that in many cases draws your spouse back too...
Either way you win. Go find the life you lost and enjoy yourself... If he comes back then he has work to do... If he doens't.. Then you can do better.
Sex and money is managed as a couple in a good marriage. Choices are made in that area as a couple, not independently.
hmm .. i read the articles. by me having a emergency fund, does that make me guilty of financial infidelity?
he knew about this fund. i never hid it from him. he was aware that i had saved money for an emergency. he just called it a "waw fund" because he always thought i would leave him - he was sure he wouldn't leave me because he wasn't the kind of person who would use the d-word so liberally.
i think every woman should have a "in case he leaves me" fund.
i think that lifeboating like that does put a strain on things... Its teh same as your H keeping a book of old girlfriend's phone numbers or something...
I know it sounds hard hearted, but it does not show 100% commitment... but I strongly suspect you started this after you were questioning his commitment which was also not 100%
Did you ever leave him to think he wans't welcome to it?
It's not like a secret, so it may not have done much damage...
You grow stronger for dbing even if your spouse doens't come home.. if you do dbing well and make teh most of your time away from him.. If you sit in your home and pine away then you arne't any better than he is
and i do not sit at home. i've actually done a lot of work on myself - my long thread is in separated. because we are physically separated. we are renting different units in the same building. and we play at the same squash club. but h hasn't shown up in about a month. i've been looking for intel on an OW but no evidence. but he's home every night and just stays in his apartment. he put on about 30 lbs recently due to improper eating. when i was his w, i would control is his intake of his mother's baked goods. now .. who knows.
as for me, i'm in great shape. women ask me all the time how i stay in shape - who doesn't want a body like jennifer aniston? i look and feel good. squash has done wonders for my self-esteem. i took other special interest courses and will be taking a leadership course in the fall. i also purchased a nice home. it was a smart buy, imo.
i live away from my parents too and my mom calls once a day to make sure i'm okay. a few months ago, i was so depressed. but forrest gump challenged me to take care of myself. i want to be the best person i can be. i also want to lead by example. i can be independent and have a great relationship with my family at the same time. i look great, feel great, and i get asked out a lot.
this is where i am at. my l recently asked me to talk to my h about our separation agreement. and this is my opportunity to see if h is still thinking with emotion, or if we can work something out. my l knows i want to reconcile.
so some vets are trying to help me figure out how to talk with compassion and not anger. i'm very grateful for those who have helped me. i am the fun person i was before. i don't need my h. but i want my h.
I know it sounds hard hearted, but it does not show 100% commitment... but I strongly suspect you started this after you were questioning his commitment which was also not 100%
i grew up with a father who wasn't responsible with money. i remember a time when he only had $15 in the bank. the fear in us left a lasting scar. i vowed never to put myself in that position. so i always kept a healthy reserve in the bank.
technically, it wasn't a "waw" fund. i didn't think he'd ever leave me. however, my fund was for emergency expenses. i actually saved that money to build a wine cellar in our home. it was my h's hobby. and i wanted to surprise him. that's what that money was for.
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Did you ever leave him to think he wans't welcome to it?
well, once he had to make a yearly contribution to his 401k. he didn't have the money and he asked me for the money. i said no. i said you had a year to put money aside for this but you didn't. why should i bail you out for something you knew you had to save for, and didn't?
he dipped into his line of credit and then told me to pay for the interest because i had the money and didn't lend it to him. i made him incur interest charges so i was responsible for paying it.
women ask me all the time how i stay in shape - who doesn't want a body like jennifer aniston?