I have been reading a lot of the posts and the DB book. I have come to realized that my wife must have read these too because she seems to be doing everything that is talked about. The short version is that she has an EA that I don't believe is physical. She came up with the classic ILYBNILWY. She suggested and I agreed to start MC with the second session tomorrow. She doesn't want me around and claims to be sick of me. She constantly is trying to start a verbal fight (I will not go there) and is trying to push me out the door to date someone else. My response has been to tell her that I will honor our marriage vows unless it ends. I have also started to take charge of my life by running more (lost 20 lbs since June 1st!) I have two kids (10 and 12) and took the last month off of work to sort out my life and work on my family. I have been giving her a lot of space and now just tell her that I am going out to do stuff (usually with the kids).
An interesting thing happened the other day when I went to a kids day at a baseball game with another single mom and her kids. (No interest there-the single mom had her new boyfriend-our kids are really good friends). She didn't want to go and then the night before at 12:30 am she woke me up and told me she wanted to go. I couldn't believe it! I said ok and she went to the game. She sat in the stands and didn't look happy at all. When we got home, I took care of the kids and left the house to visit a friend and get some space from her (only so much negativity I can take). I came back home two hours later and she was mad. When I asked why she was mad it was because she had to take care of the kids again (a perception that I disagree with-I think she has been neglecting the family while she pursues a text message relationship with the OM). I looked at her and told her I understand her concern but I thought we needed some space. Then she told me that she was mad because she knew that I was talking about her. That is true to a point but I have resigned myself that she is an adult who can and will make her own choices. I will let her know how I feel about those choices and go on with my life. We may or may not have a future together. In any case my friend and talked about a lot of other stuff and not really her so much.
I also tried another tactic that seemed to work. She told me that she wanted to get a traveling position in her company that would require 6 months of travel a year. I told her to do what she has to do and I will too. She said that she wanted to move to take a promotion in a few years to another city. I can retire in 9 years and again I told her to do what she wanted to do and I will too. Finally she then told me that she wanted to go out with some friends at a strip bar in a city about 75 miles away. She said that she would probably spend the night. I told her that I was not comfortable with her going out overnight while we are in MC. If we work things out, then she can go on an overnight trip. Before this happened, I wouldn't have cared if she did. This is a point that she does disagree with and has rewritten our history to convince herself of this fact. But she has taken 7 trips since April (work and family mostly) but also a trip to run a marathon with her sister.
I also wanted to go a small street party in our local city. There were live bands, a lot of friends, beer and it is always a good time. She told me that she wanted to go. I asked her what time was she coming back because I was going to and I needed to know if I had to get a baby sitter. She ended spending time with me while we talked to several mutual friends. We then walked home and she talking about getting a yearlong separation. I told her that I didn't want to discuss it and we could save it for MC.
So I am writing this to get things out and say that at least as of now I can say that no matter what happens to us, I have tried to make our lives work and keep our family together. Stay strong out there and know that I have felt a lot of the pain that several of writers have talked about. The attitude that you go develop will help resolve the pain and hurt (at least it has started to work for me).