Puppy, That's a good answer so how does the WAW know the difference as it is very subtle. Ok they have prob heard us all say it during the first stage of the breakup. Mine hasn't heard anything over the last while other than "if you dont want to be here then leave" and me showing her that I don't need her to go out and have a good time or to continue on with my life. Since i started applying some DB techniques she has just got angrier and less communicative.
At this stage I'm not even sure if I am DBing myself or saying screw it so how does she know or is it even necessary that she knows ?
The only thing that tells me I still want this M to work is that I still visit here. Even there I am not sure if this is just helping me through the process of letting her go.
But i definitely appreciate the comments and support.
So whats the difference between DB and just walking out and saying screw it I'm done and I dont really give a cr#p anymore. Seems like they are the same thing to me.
That's a great question. In the latter, you say "This is who I am, I don't need you anymore." In the former (DBing), you convey "This is who I am, I've realized I don't NEED you anymore, but I still WANT you along with me on my journey," (but I'm not willing to violate my own Boundaries of Personal Integrity just for the privilege of having you along).
Needing a spouse is enmeshment, co-dependent, and NOT healthy. WANTING them is good, and the difference between your two examples, Khudoo.
You want her to be your frosting, not your cake. YOU are your cake, and you have to be okay with that.
Puppy, That's a good answer so how does the WAW know the difference as it is very subtle.
You tell them -- ONCE. And then you live out both halves of it (both the "I don't NEED you" and the "But I've love to have you along for my ride"), and they WILL notice.
You communicate "I don't need you" by not being NEEDY.
The problem is when do you tell them. Tell them to early in the process, and it get's lost in the "I'm a whiny, needy little biatch who will grovel for table scraps." Wait too long, and they'll think you've given up and moved on.
It's a matter of timing, but better late than early?
W is talking a lot about selling the house but not actually doing anything so I called our realtor and arranged for him to come in and tell us what we need to get it listed. I have also been looking around for a new home for myself and my S which seems to be upsetting her even though she is still adamant she wants to separate.
She seems to be obsessed with the little things involved in the split like for instance how are we going to divide the DVD's and not taking care of the major stuff like homes and selling a sportscar we bought this year.
Even though she is the one that wants out ( although her moods are driving me out too ) i seem to be the one doing all the work to break this up.
There is no change in her attitude but for someone who wants something she isn't driving very hard to get it. I am tired of living in limbo so right now I think separation is the best thing so i am going to make it happen.
Initially I thought that living under the one roof was the best thing but now i can see that the longer we stay here the less i remember of the great times we had and how much fun she was and the more I just wonder what i ever saw in her or why was I ever attracted to her.
Hard to believe how 3 months of WAW world can completely blot out 8 great years.
You should do whatever it is you think is best for you and your son, Khudoo. It's very typical for a walkaway/wayward wife to be deep into their fantasy, and only focusing on the "fun" parts of actually walking away: doing internet searches on places to live, or learning about alimony payments, or whatever. It's rare that at this stage, she'd be displaying the kind of emotional and intellectual maturity to delve very deeply into the nitty-gritty stuff.
Ok I am back to the vacation thing i discussed earlier in the thread as she is bringing it up.
The vacation is already 3/4 paid. She says she still wants to go even though it will require us sharing a bed. She is now asking me if i am still ok with it and i am not sure how to respond. Options i see so far. This is an adventure holiday that she can not go on without me. Don't want to say anymore on the off chance she reads this forum.
1. You have got to be joking. 2. Judging by your current behaviour this would never work 3. We will see how things are then 4. Sure 5. I know someone else interested in going.
So far I have just said i haven't decided what to do with it.
It could be either a chance to reconnect or else a chance to show her that life goes on without her and she missed out. Not sure which is best.
Take her out of the equation. Would you go by yourself on this trip if you could? Is it something you're still interested in?
If yes, then can you enjoy it with her if there's no reconnection? If it's just a shared trip that doesn't change anything?
I think if you can do that with no expectations, plus handle any potential fallout, you should go. If you think that it might turn into Chernobyl, perhaps not.
"I have decided it's best that I go on this trip without you. Here is your refund."
Can you take someone in her place?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
