Saw Mr. A again last night. He called around 11 - he was one town over and wanted to come to the house. I said ok.
I am so hungry for answers. My therapist has been trying to get me off that track for the past year, but it just can't seem to let go. I just want to know what goes through his batchitt crazy head!
Mr. A was talkative last night - more than he has been through this entire ordeal.
Things I found out/he said, in no particular order:
1) There was officially an OW. I thought he was fooling around with several, nothing serious, but he told me last night that there was a serious GF. They lived together for a little while. It makes me sick to write this here, but he actually got her name tatooed on his chest. More on OW later. He says she is out of the picture.
2) He said he never meant to hurt me. F* that!
3) He made a point of saying he did not leave me for OW, she came later. So?
4) He is back living with him mom and step-dad.
5) He is now totally estranged from his only brother.
6) He is spending (comparatively) a lot of time in his/our old stomping ground, the town 20 minutes away where he was last night.
7) He wanted me to agree with him that we were both unhappy when he left. Yes, BUT... I wasn't unhappy to be married to him, I was unhappy that we couldn't seem to get along and I didn't know what to do about it. I was also unhappy - as was he - about some curveballs life was throwing our way. But that just happens sometimes. But I didn't say all this to him last night. It was enough just to barely hold back my tears.
8) Like Gardener said on his thread about his XW, Mr. A still is not happy. Leaving me did NOT solve all his problems.
9) Mr. A is jobless, no longer in school, and living with his mother. He said to me last night that all he has are his thoughts. He is deep in his head right now and he doesn't like it.
10) Mr. A seems lately to be trying to reconnect with old friends and take up some of the hobbies he left behind, and/but he went out by himself last night.
11) He is trying to drink less. He said he feels like he wasted his twenties drinking. I don't agree that he wasted his twenties, but it is good that he wants to cut back on that habit.
12) Mr. A said that he has been sort of "checked out" of life for the past year - no keeping up on news, no keeping up on football (both things that he loves), just not being involved with the rest of the world. Me too - it's called limbo.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up opportunities to talk to Mr. A, but he isn't treating me well by coming over here late at night and calling all the shots. I don't want to make things unduly hard for him, nor do I want to support his cake-eating behavior. It's really hard to figure out how to deal with him.
P.S. He also wanted to know about my love life and I told him it's personal.
Is this due to be a good week or a bad week? How can you be so sure? We can't, after all, assume that something is good just because it feels good. The world is full of drugs that make folk feel absolutely wonderful. The fact remains, though, that they are harmful and dangerous. And, aren't we all conscious of chores that are depressing or painful to carry out? Yet, can't these bring untold benefits? You may find it hard to know what to make of current peculiar developments. They will, though, bring you immense benefits.
Mr. A's:
Knowledge is power. A little knowledge, though, is a dangerous thing. If we really want to know more, we must be willing to learn more. We can't learn more for as long as we think we already have all the answers. We must also steel ourselves for the sense of vulnerability that an admission of ignorance might create. This week brings a chance to discover something truly valuable about yourself, about someone you are close to... and about a situation you once thought you fully understood. Open your mind. Change your life.
A good line from one of my zillion relationship books:
"There's something about seeing a desperate person humiliate him/herself that makes most of us extremely uncomfortable. The other person wants to get as far away as possible."
Been following your threads. You have a lot of excellent advice. I like the quote.I MUST remember it as I need to stop letting my emotions get the better of me.
Mr. A is probably depressed. Mr. A. has no external boundaries (TMI re: OW) Mr. A made poor life choices. Mr. A treated you cruelly. Mr. A is unemployed, living with his parents (!) Mr. A is assuaging guilt: "he never meant to hurt me. F* that!" F* that indeed: what he meant is meaning less; what he did and caused is all that matters. Mr. A wants to further assuage guilt by getting you to share the blame ("He wanted me to agree with him that we were both unhappy when he left." Answer? "Even if that's true, I didn't abandon and betray!") All Mr. A has is his thoughts (Aawwww, poor Victim A. I mean, Mr. A.) Man Up or stew in it. Mr. A is trying to drink less? Yoda: "There is no 'try', there is only 'do,' says Gardener, who walked away from self-medicating on 2/06/06. Mr. A "checked out"? ("It's called limbo.") Sorry, in his case it's called "wallowing victim."
Mrs. A., my friend, you need - and coincidentaly, Mr. A would probably benefit and ultimately grow from - NO CONTACT!
"How's your love life," indeed.
Peace, from someone who may backslide, may get weepy, may lose perspective at times, but who thinks there are too many d@mned guys in this world and not enough men.
(and from someone whose getting off his soapbox, now )
Last edited by Gardener; 08/09/1007:53 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I am off to see my IC and will post again later tonight. Been rereading one of the relationship books and it has some good advice for getting back on my feet. Also waiting for my copy of "Getting Over Your Breakup" to arrive on my porch!
P.S. I will reread Gardener's post once more before I leave!
Ok, saw IC this evening. He's a good therapist and I'm a good patient. I do homework and come prepared for every session, and I see him every single week. He makes it possible (mucho paperwork) and gives me great advice. My health insurance hates both of us.
IC and I came to the conclusion that I don't need to go totally dark on Mr. A (sorry, Gardener!), but just dim. Meaning these specific boundaries:
1) I won't contact him 2) I will NOT let him come to MY house if he calls me after I've gone to bed 3) I definitely WILL go out with him, like to dinner, if he can find it within his childish self to invite me in advance 4) In all other scenarios, I will weigh my options but ultimately make my decision based on two overarching values - acting with personal integrity and/yet acting with kindness
We arrived at all this because of the immense remorse I continue to feel over some of the ways I treated Mr. A. Most particularly, I feel sooooo bad for not taking him seriously a lot of the time - and I now feel like I exactly mimicked the behavior I saw in my father toward my mother. But I am NOT going down that road tonight.
Anyway, even though it was really hard to hear some of the stuff coming out of Mr. A's mouth last night, I'm grateful that it happened. And I don't want to potentially close the door to more of that.
Soooooo... [I'm writing this here to help me keep my resolve] - I'm done trying to win Mr. A back and now he has to try to win me back. But I'm not going to be a total b**** about it. I will encourage him to make his own opportunities to do so.
Posting this now, then eating my pizza, then coming back!
I'm done trying to win Mr. A back and now he has to try to win me back. But I'm not going to be a total b**** about it. I will encourage him to make his own opportunities to do so.
LIKE IT, LOVE IT, WANT SOME MORE OF IT!
But I also recommend reserving the right to go dark as you need- not for punishment, or to be a B, but because this will be confusing I bet! (not that I think you shouldn't be open to it)
And don't be a B****, be a B.I.T.C.H.! (then again, you already are!);)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
) 
