On two ends of the world..

[ris]

Me and my H have been together 2.5 years, married only 4 months. During all this time we have been in a long distance relationship. We have seen each other every 2-3 months and for a year of our R he was deployed to Iraq. That year has been very difficult for him and he didn't deal with being there too well - he was depressed for most of the time. I stood by him at all times, even though I was usually the outlet of his anger and frustrations when he couldn't cope. This is not to say I've been perfect because I have my faults, but I'm a very patient person and I've been there through times when a lot of people would throw in the towel. One thing I can say is that I never consciously pushed his buttons, I always tried to be understanding, not to cause frictions and cheer him up, though he would sometimes misconstrue it. We had periods when we fought a lot about nothing which I think was caused by the difficult situation he was in. But there were some issues that got cleared thanks to the fights we had. Because the situation was pushing us apart so much, the fact that we worked through it and made it out together (with 2 or 3 "breakups" that were taken back the next day) tied us together quite a lot.

We were unofficially engaged (I hate that expression, but that's how it worked out, his parents were iffy on the issue because he was just about to leave) before he went there and he proposed again (officially!) a month after coming back. Before that we had a conversation where he said he was kind of scared of the perspective of living together. That it wasn't the issue of commitment, but he had never lived with a girl before and was scared of the lifestyle change. To be fair, I sort of discounted that statement, as he wasn't really a social person, didn't enjoy going out with buddies much so it wasn't like he was giving up a crazy bachelor life for living with me... I understood the fear of something new, but was of opinion that he just imagines the worst option possible (he often does it, and it gets worse when he's in a more depressive state).

I decided to let him get used to the idea and didn't push for the wedding. Two months later he suggested that we get married the next time I come to see him and so we did. We never wanted to have a big wedding so it wasn't a problem - instead it was a very nice ceremony with just us and the parents. We talked briefly about the plan of me moving over but didn't decide on the timeline. Soon it turned out that my H was going overseas on a 2 year assignment and I was allowed to come with him. At first we were both very excited about it but when H found out more details about it, it turned out to be not exactly what he dreamed of (work and location wise) and his enthusiasm diminished and at times he was downright depressed about it.

Now let me just give you a little background here. Since coming back from Iraq, he was in a really low place. He hated his job, his boss, he was stressed out and overworked, had almost no friends. The only times when I could really see him being happy was when I came to see him, then we'd actually do things, meet up with people (work friends) that kept on trying to drag him out of the house on the weekends... When he was on his own, he sat at home all weekend, often getting drunk and hated it. His job was taking up most of the time during the week (I'm talking 12h+ days Mon-Fri) and consuming his life really. He even got a dog at some point because he just wanted to have some company, which kind of backfired because she ended up feeling like she was just another chore rather than cheering him up (for those worried about the dog, she's good now. My SIL has her and she's the happiest dog on Earth!).

Now this is getting long so I'll try to stay on track. H finished up his work in the old place, and was really down the whole time. Before he went overseas, he came to see me and we spent a week together. During that time we made plans of finally starting our life together. H was going to sort out paperwork after getting there so that I could come, he already took some of my stuff, part to leave with his parents until we come back and part to take with him there.

Once he got there, it was as if he fell off the face of the Earth. It took him a week to send me an email to say that he finally got there. Finally we got to talk and to my question why he hasn't written/called me he said "I had nothing to say to you". I suppressed the urge to scream and gently dug in deeper and it turned out he was down quite a bit. We started talking though. Finally he settled in a little bit and it got slightly better (for a week). Then it turned out that his new job was something opposite of what he wanted to do and really stressful to him. Numerous days I got emails where he was completely frustrated with work and it was all he was able to speak about. I tried to console him as much as I could in an email. It was really heartbreaking to me to see him so upset but not being able to do much about it. We also had fights about random things where he was just being hurtful to me for no reason. Gradually, the topic of me coming over became a point of contention as well. I tried not to bring it up for a while until the situation got better.

My breaking (sort of) point came when I sent him a flirty picture of me in my underwear and he replied and said he already saw me naked and my naked pictures and it wasn't interesting anymore so please stop wasting time with this. It hurt me really really bad. After a day of being shattered, I called my MIL for a chat because it always cheers me up. Well she asked me about H and I just burst out crying. I didn't tell her any details but I said that he was so hurtful to me, on so many topics and recently intimate issues. She knew about his depression highs and lows and she briefly knew about the things between me and H (She and I have a very good relationship and I sometimes find it soooo hard not to tell her things because she's very understanding to me). Later this evening I get an email from H saying that now that I dragged his family into this, it is over. He wants a marriage annulment or a divorce. It turned out that my MIL spoke to my FIL who became enraged about H's treatment and wrote him an email. It said that I called MIL crying and that the way he treated me was despicable and to get a grip on himself.

For 2 days all I could hear from H was to speak to a lawyer because he wants divorce so I stopped contacting him. A week later, I knew he was about to go to a training for a few weeks where we'd have no means of contact so I sent a businesslike email asking where we stand. The response was dry at best (pretty hurtful actually), but turned into a 2 day dialogue that eventually got better and we even exchanged "I love you" at the end. We resolved some of the problems he has with me coming over. He wanted to be able to go for vacation on his own if he wanted to do something I wasn't able to do - like demanding mountain climbs. Another issue was that we were getting much more money while living separate (over the course of time it turned out unlikely for me to be able to get a job where he is) so we agreed we would wait until the end of his training for doing the paperwork and that would give us 2 extra months of more money.

After he went to the training, it turned out that he had email access so we were able to email every day. There was another portion of frustrated with work emails, in reply to which I tried to cheer him up the best I could. At some point we were talking about trips we were going to make once I come over and his mountain climb he planned and he said "only the thought of you coming over and those trips keeps me going". When he came back, I sent him documents he needed to do the paperwork for me to come.

A day later H blew up. He said that our sex life was boring and that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. It started before he came to see me the last time and he didn't really want to have sex with me then. We had an indepth talk about this and it was really constructive. We finally openly got to the fact that the communication between us isn't as open as it should be. I blamed a lot of things on being apart (which I believe is a big factor). I said that I think that the fact he's depressed is making him see things in worse light than they really are. He sort of agreed. I said something that he wants a new thing (relationship) and thinks it will make things better and he said "I don't want a new relationship, I do love you and we're married" but that he doesn't think that we (specifically me) can actually change and be more open in communication. (This is a recurring topic and something I know we (I) need to work on. I'm very shy in personal matters, it's hard for me to open up and I shut down fast if the response isn't good. I think I need to try more but he needs to be more receptive to it). Then we had another talk about it and he was all "I don't believe that it can change". It went further downhill, he said he doesn't want me to come over there, he doesn't see any good things that would come out of it. According to him, it would be a constant fight, he's have to entertain me all the time and he'd just have another person to feed and support with only one income. I asked how can we make things better being apart and he said "it won't make things better but it will keep them from getting worse". Ugh worse? So I asked what is his plan for after he's done there (in 2 years) and he said "I don't care". The next day (yesterday) we talked again and he told me that he doesn't think this marriage is going to last long. I said that I want to give it my best chance because I love him and marriage is important to me. Then he said that I'm not coming there, so finally instead of arguing I said "Ok then."

Now I'm waiting for my book to arrive... I have to go now, but I'll add my thoughts about it later. Please any insight would be great. Ask any questions you have, I tried (key word being "tried") to be concise so it could be unclear somewhere.