Sorry I’ve been off the grid for a few weeks…things have gotten busy at work and have been trying to “keep my head” down a bit.
Am still feeling pretty not good about our future together, though there have been some good moments as well…on the “me” front, am going to start up a band with some friends, which will be a nice release (and something I realize now that I really miss – used to play in a number of bands pre-marriage and when the kids were younger).
Also got a chance to play trumpet at a fun show this weekend with some friends (that my wife set up for me – a friend of hers had posted that they needed a trumpet player, and managed to pull together 2 minutes of playing despite not playing in about 4 years)!
So, the good: am figuring out what I want/need (through the musical stuff and generally, I think), and have definitely had a few days when I was ready to move on (no desire by W to “deal” with her various issues, which (my view) she uses as a crutch regarding things like cleaning the house, laundry, everything, which leaves me “stuck” with doing more than my fair share)…
2 weekends ago, we did have the whole weekend to ourselves (dealing with the post-vacation mouse invasion), which was really great (even though we weren’t doing things that were very exciting)…both said we realized we need more alone time (w/o kids around).
A few things that came out that weekend per our conversations: “you can’t handle me” (related to “handling”/understanding her ADHD and other issues, though she said she is thinking of "seeing someone" about that, finally); we are still “weird” together (still doesn’t feel normal I don’t think for either of us); both confirmed we want to try to stop holding back in sharing things (she being worried about being judged or disappointed by me, on my end, worrying too much about her reaction to things). Also talked about not expecting something good (“credit”) for “good deeds”…which I thought were all good things to get out.
Interesting thing she said was about starting to get close again, and W saying that the “old normal” sometimes feels safer/more comfortable (when we were disconnected and in our own worlds) – I told her I could feel her pushing back when things got a bit more intimate/close.
The not so good: the last few days seem like we’re “backtracking” into old behaviors – me going into my “shell” a bit (and letting negativity “wash over me” instead of confronting it), she going into “nag zone” (little, nitpicky things about lots of stuff – i.e., washing dishes without rolling up my sleeves, “vetoing” me on the time I was suggesting while I’m on the phone setting up a playdate with my kid, et al – really wears me down). (Staying up until 2:30 am Saturday night didn’t help our grumpiness, that’s for sure).
She is also going out of town next weekend to a party/weekend in “OM land” (and has claimed there is no contact of any sort anymore, and has “shut down” that FB page and email address, though I have no way to verify (haven’t installed a keylogger yet))…staying with a friend there. She did ask for “permission” and says she understands my anxiety in her being in OM city, and I said it was “OK” and that I would be fine if she goes, so guess it’s on me.
Did ask her point blank at dinner this weekend if she was committed to being with “me/us”, and she verified that she was(guess I hadn’t actually ever heard that from her, and I still have this feeling she’s got 1 foot out the door, as TG has said in the past).
Really struggling with how to not go back to the “old normal” and instead figure out a “new normal” (while there’s still all of this stuff lingering in the air)…have really tried to detach a bit and work on myself, and have had some good & bad days in that regard, but still really hard for me to do.
