I was late coming home and all of the sudden I get the text. W wants to meet for dinner in our favorite restaurant.
She was happy and upbeat. I listened to her work talk and suddenly she said that she was going to rent a lake house for a week later this month. I said, good for you. I acted calmly and did not show any surprise.
She said she wants to take 2 out of 4 dogs with her. I joked that the others will be jealous. She said that maybe in the middle of that week we could swap them. I don’t know what is the logistics of that (who would drive them up, etc.) but it does not matter right now.
I did ask if anyone else is going, she said that some of her family in turns.
I am actually happy for her. It shows that she is doing something about her destructive behavior and anxiety and going to rest and relax.
Who knows, maybe after a few days of tranquility she will ask me to come visit or even stay for awhile. (Swapping dogs would present that opportunity)
My IC visit went well also. Despite the Monday night’s insanity my IC thinks that there is definitely hope now considering all other signs and reactions. He thinks that maybe Monday was a wake up call for her and the whole vacation alone thing is her way to deal with her demons.
Got home and she was already there. I noticed a bag of groceries on the counter. Is she really going to cook dinner? She has not done that for 4 months.
Yes, she cooked a wonderful dinner. But what was strange about it was the lack of talk. As she was all talkative at the restaurant the night before, she would not make any eye contact and gave me only one word responses to my attampts to strike a conversation. It was uncomfortable and I let it go.
I thanked her for the dinner and that pretty much concluded the evening.
It's as she is doing her own weird 180. Her cooking us dinner is a big sign on change. Lack of talking does not surprise me but I could not help thinking whether she is trying to get some reaction out of my by this strange mix of behavior.
I know I should not try to figure out what she's thinking.
Actions are what you should be figuring out. When my wife is really confused and stressed, she cuts her speaking down a lot. And she loves to speak, so when it drops to monosyllabic words, I know she's freaking out. That's when I really have to try to listen hard, and validate what she's saying. She's screaming out for it.
I think you are right pinhead. I was thinking along the same lines. Having dinner out is not a special occasion any more. That's when she's open and talkative.
Cooking at home after 4 months of not doing it must have been stressful for her. She was probably thinking how that comes across to me. I just watched TV and waited the food to get ready. Everything with a smile and appreciation. That must have freaked her out.
Actions do speak better than words. My W has always been that way. She never apologizes for anything but her actions always speak volumes. I think she knows that too.
Just a thought for future reference. Some people like to have conversation with the people they are cooking for while they are cooking. (Though, some don't because they find it distracting and stressful.)
Today I am very confused with a lot of mixed feelings.
Saturday morning W told me all about her vacation plans. She rented a house by the lake and will go there with 2 of our 4 dogs. Different members of her family will be visiting on and off. Like I expected she asked me to come over in the middle of the week to swap the dogs around. What did surprise me was that she asked me to take a next day off and stay overnight. Oh boy…
Saturday morning I was almost going to leave by myself to enjoy the day until she suddenly decided to asked me if I wanted to hang out by the shore. It was a pleasant surprise because we have not done that for a long time. Sitting around in a outdoor restaurant was awkward. I could not figure out what to talk about. She finally brought up the house and the dog issue asking me what am I going to decide about that. I was trying to dodge the issue again, but she got agitated and said that she cannot live in this limbo. So I said that I need a month. This puts the deadline just after her vacation.
I got very upset by this topic but held together and got over it pretty quickly.
What happened next was just unbelievable. She was suddenly all happy and bubbly. She asked to relocate to one of our favorite places at the shore and we left promptly. She could not stop talking on our way. We had late lunch at the other place and really enjoyed the day. She opened up and told me everything about her mysterious health problems and what she has been doing in the past few months. It was unreal. She just wanted to catch up and fill in the entire time she was not home or talking to me about anything. I felt like the times everything was OK.
Suddenly she said that we should go home, take a nap and go out later. Wow, we have not “gone out” for a year.
Nap was good, but when we woke up at the couch it was already a little late. She apologized profusely for not feeling to go out that late. I said that I’ll take a rain check. It was the thought that really touched me anyways.
Sunday was even more unbelievable. She decided to invite 2 of my best friends over for a whole day barbeque. She did everything. She set up the deck, cooked, cleaned and served us drinks. I felt bad for not doing anything to help. I asked but she smiled and told me to enjoy myself and my friends. We had a blast. She really enjoyed the day too. I felt like I had woken from the nightmare and got my life back.
But I know it is too good to be true. What really is killing me inside is that fact that all of this niceness started after I gave her the deadline for our talk about the separation. It is so weird that the thought that I may finally leave her made her so happy that she acts like the issue is entirely gone.
I am just so confused. Is she really happy that I may be leaving? Is she really waiting for me to draft up the separation plan within a month?
Or is there still something to save? 6 years ago when I signed over the house and was about to pack my bags she asked me to stay. Maybe it’s the fact that I promised her to face the ultimate problem which we’ve never really talk about, that makes her happy. Maybe she wants to sit down and talk and not necessarily about separation. Is it possible?
I would love to tell her that I don’t want this relationship any more either. But I would like to start a new one. No strings, no expectations, no deadlines, no pressure. Just forget the past and start over. Enjoy each other just like we did this weekend. Take it easy and see where it goes.
Is it possible that she may allow this to happen?
I am so lost right now.
I saw my loving W this weekend that I did not think existed any more. And she knows she made me feel happy. Can women really be so cruel and please a man they want to get rid of like that?
Yes, she's happy because her goal was to get you to set a deadline.
Don't mind read. Do your 180s, GAL, take care of your health/faith/family.
When you separate, things may change. Or they may not, and you'll end up proceeding to D. You can't control those either, and "buying" another month is another way to try and control the sitch.
I just don't know who should leave. Either if us is capable of handling the mortgage. If I leave, I have better chances to stay in contact. If she leaves, she will lose all the surroundings she is used to. I have already stated that the pets and the house stay together with one of us.
I have a month to decide what the plan exactly is. A lot can happen between now and then. My head is spinning out of control right now.
Wow. No wonder she has lost attraction for you if you allow her to lead you around by the nose like she did this weekend.
Sounds like SHE is the pack leader and you are just another one of the dogs....
Notice in the following quotes how often that SHE DECIDED things.. SHE decided this.. SHE decided that... SHE wanted this... SHE wanted that...
No wonder she isn't attracted to you. She is dying for a man who has some guts and a man who CAN be decisive... You are going backwards...
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Saturday morning W told me all about her vacation plans.
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She rented a house by the lake and will go there with 2 of our 4 dogs.
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she asked me to come over in the middle of the week to swap the dogs around.
Quote:
she asked me to take a next day off and stay overnight
Quote:
she suddenly decided to asked me if I wanted to hang out by the shore.
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She finally brought up the house and the dog issue asking me what am I going to decide about that. I was trying to dodge the issue again,
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She asked to relocate to one of our favorite places at the shore and we left promptly.
Quote:
Suddenly she said that we should go home, take a nap and go out later.
Quote:
She apologized profusely for not feeling to go out that late.
Quote:
She decided to invite 2 of my best friends over for a whole day barbeque.
Quote:
I saw my loving W this weekend that I did not think existed any more.
Quote:
Can women really be so cruel and please a man they want to get rid of like that?
What we saw was a woman making ALL of the decisions,and a man who tagged along with whatever she wanted all weekend... and an undecisive man that can't even make ONE and had to tell her he would finally make a decision in a month on the only thing that looked like she wanted his feeedback on.... VERY UNATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN
I always think the unhappy person should leave. Especially if the finances are equal between the two folks. My case is a bit tougher, since my W makes 1/3 of my salary. She simply couldn't afford the house anyways.
