Proud of you IDU. Don't have time to write a full reply, but I am with you, and think this is the right move. It will be less scary as you adjust to it.
Remember that you did not choose this; your wife did.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Had a good time at the water park for the twins' b'day. Stayed from open 'til closing and then went to eat. All in all, a great day. W and I had a few moments of remembering when the boys were born and how little they were, the time spent in the NICU and when we first brought them home. She initiated all conversations about it and I smiled and laughed along with her. She did show a little of the dark side a few times during the day but the kids and I ignored them and refused to let her bring us down.
Later, after putting the kids to bed, we watched the news for awhile. She said to me, "I don't know about you, but I'm beat." I said I was too. Then I tried reaching out, again. "I know you are exhausted. Why don't you come sleep in bed tonight." She paused for a second and said, "I'm fine out here." I said goodnight, smiled, and went to bed. Worth a try I guess.
Lawyer on vacation this week. Still doing paperwork. Nothing new to report. Anxiety is less today. I still hold out hope that this will turn around. I keep telling myself this is the right thing to do. All prayers still welcome.
Praying for you buddy. Hang in there, you are doing the right thing. You probably shouldn't have reached-out though. If filing doesn't turn her head, realize it will be ok anyway. You deserve better than what you have right now. Things will be OK and you will find love again.
After digging into the details more with my mortgage lady, I'm finding out that I will probably still be able to afford a pretty nice place if I want to if we end-up having to sell. As bad as it seemed in the beginning, right now I don't even care if we have to sell. W is delusional about how much we would get for the place and also about the fact that she can't afford to stay here. We ran all the numbers and there is no way she can do it.
I'm getting so tired of her that most of the time I feel like I don't even care if we do get D anymore.
Start looking beyond you M and see what is out there. Life can be good without her. Life is what you make it...make yours fun. Choose to be happy and don't let this get you too far down. This coming from a guy who was just in despair 2 days ago, so take it with a grain of salt, but I know and you know that you are STRONG and you WILL still have a great life. We are both the same age and there is still quite a way to go, so make the best of it.
I am glad you had a nice day with the family. You deserve it so much.
It was worth a try. In my sitch, I tried to have a relationship talk when I knew it was wrong, but I had to do it. It felt good, but it did not accomplish anything. I guess you had one of those moments where pursuing felt right, and the reaction she gave you may be just what you need to follow throug with a divorce if that is your final decision. You will decide what is best for you. I don't think pursuing is going to do much good for you at the moment.
I hold out hope for you too. My thoughts and prayers are with you always.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
LSG, Pinhead and Dan- thanks for the encouragement, I still need it!
I know not to pursue at this point, but I wanted to try like dday and Steve said. You know, don't be afraid to try something different, tell her how you feel, she's not an alien.....so I did reach out a couple of times and did not expect anything in return. She rejected me and I did not react, I just went on my way, NBD.
This weekend was our church picnic. The two of us have always worked together at it. This year was the first year that I was in charge of the card stand. She said she wasn't coming because she couldn't get off of work at the bar. I had my mom and dad keep the kids on Sat morning while I went to church to help set up stands and fry chicken. I went home to get cleaned up and W was asleep on couch. I got dressed and she jumped in the shower. As I was getting ready to leave, she came out and said how nice it was outside, and a little small talk. I asked her, "since the kids aren't here to hear us argue, when are you going to move out? Have you been to a lawyer yet?" She got all pissed, she hasn't had time to see a L, she's been working, why was I asking, she knows I don't want her working at the bar she's just trying to get us out of debt. On and on she went. So I stopped her and asked again, when was she leaving. She asked why was I bringing this up again and I said, "As I told you a few weeks ago, I cannot and will not live like this any longer. You refuse to try, to go to MC anymore. Nothing has changed. You want this, you need to leave, period." She said why don't you leave? I told her again that I don't want a D but I am done trying by myself. She said, "That's a nice way of asking, W, please don't leave."
Then she started throwing crap around the bedroom, saying there were no clean towels and not clean this and that. I walked out and told her I had done laundry and it was done and folded and sitting in the laundry room. Then I left.
Yesterday, she worked her regular job and the bar again. She hasn't seen the kids in three days. She did call and txt a couple of times and was very friendly. Just guilt, I'm sure.
Almost forgot, she worked the bar last night from 3 'till 11 and then worked her regular job from midnight to 7 this morning. She said they were remodeling and she needed to go in early. So she stayed out all night. Was she really at work? IDK and IDC.
Have not heard from my L, she was on vacation. I think she said she would be back Tue. or Wed. this week. I still hate to have to do it because I'm still afraid in my kids eyes, I will be the bad guy and she will be able to say, 'see, I didn't file but he did.' She has the power to stop this and I'm sure she knows it.
Oh, and one more thing(as Columbo would say), the School Board president was at the church picnic. He came up to me on his own, I did not seek him out, and shook my hand and said, "I just want you to know, I am 100% on your side in this mess." It was good to hear. If it will help me or really mean anything, IDK.
Do what you think is right. Your kids will eventually learn the truth, and since she's not spending time with them anyways, they'll naturally gravitate towards the parent that gives them the most time, love and attention.
WAW with kids have a huge amount of guilt. It's easy for our pain and anger to forget how hard it is for our spouses. And easy to feel like it's their just desserts. But if we truly love them, we have to be compassionate; compassionate doesn't mean a doormat though.
Focus on your values; choose your actions based on your values, and accept your emotions. Don't switch these around...
The kids will not see you as the bad guy either way. They know you have done everything possible to save your marriage. I believe that it does not matter who files as long as you did the best you could to keep your family together, and you have done that and more.
Take care of yourself.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
The kids will not see you as the bad guy either way. They know you have done everything possible to save your marriage.
I hope you are right, LSG. I'm sure you are. It would be somewhat easier if she was the one initiating things. Oh, well. Lead don't follow, right?
Journaling:
W worked at the restaurant/bar last night. She is usually home a little after 11:00. Last night she got home at 2:15. I woke up when she came in the room to get her clothes to shower. I asked what time it was and she told me. No reaction from me, no sighs, no why are you so late, nothing. I just laid back down and went to sleep. She leaves for her regular job at 3:30 so she got no sleep. When she was getting ready to leave, she came in and woke me up. She said there was a band at the bar and they stayed open late. I just said okay and went back to sleep.
When I got up this morning, there was a note from her saying the same thing. She never leaves notes anymore. She was explaining why she was late.
I got the kids ready and took them to the sitter and came to work.
I did not react to her at all. Everything she does now just makes it easier for me to follow through with what I have put in motion. She has again broken a big boundary that we have talked about numerous times. No phone call, no txt, nothing. And, to my surprise, I wasn't going crazy when she was late. I didn't care. Yes, it still bothers me. My M is over. She can do what she want and has proven over and over again that she is going to do just that.
I am calm and I am moving forward. What she does is of no interest to me. I have started the process of dissolving this M, something I never wanted to do and something I should have done long ago. My M is gone, my W is gone but I have four great kids who I have to help ease their pain as much as I can.
